I no longer feel anything for myself regarding future Rs. I really think I may be done. That makes me incredibly sad for some reason as I always wanted to share my life with someone. I no longer think that and I am struggling with that feeling. It is not an ebb and flow feeling-more of a "that's awesome for others and I simply cannot do that again for me" feeling.
D10 was telling me one day what she would like in a step father. I stopped her and said, "those are great qualities and I would do anything in the world for you. That I cannot do." She said, "okay" and it has not come up again. And that is when I think I was overwhelmed with sadness. I know people are essentially good and I know there are many fantastic guys out there. For me, it would be like trying to find a 4 leaf clover in a sand storm-impossible. I consider myself very strong and I do not have it in me to do that again. Sorry if I sound like a downer.
Well GB- You know I feel like this too. At the moment, I just cannot envision voluntarily putting myself in a situation that could have the remotest chance of putting me back in this place. I have lots of people IRL who think they are reassuring me by telling me how lucky someone will be to be with me someday, what a catch I am, etc etc. And I always think that isn't the point. I'm not concerned about the possibility of finding someone again, I just have no want or desire to do so.
All that being said - I also sort of assume that this is just how I feel right now. And it seems perfectly possible that this won't be a permanent state of affairs. So - I'm not actively seeking anything (and I'm more than ok with that), but if someone comes along in the future, I like to think I have the door cracked open.
Reading about your daughter's list makes me grateful, that for all his crummy behavior, at least STBX sees my girls every week, seems happy to spend that time with them and actively plays with them. I got D7 a phone and he texts her constantly.
I know your kids don't really have that - I'm glad they have such a fantastic mom and engaged grandparents.
