I've share this before... While In IC I made 3 lists ... About 10-15 things ... List one was things I really liked about myself ... List 2, things I didn't (careful about these... Not things your WAS complained unless you think they are legit) ... List 3... Things I admired in other men( for you ladies other strong women) .... Then I focused on removing one thing from list 2 and replacing they with list 3 .... Something I can not voice how much this helped me in my Cali2.0 pursuit
I admire how you are able to let her go, and still be nice to her. I am having problems with the being nice and not angry. Its good for me to see how you handle yourself.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
I am not sure if I skipped the anger phase of just moved through it so quickly. I never remember except when I felt she was not treating the kids right being mad. I am looking at it more in the manner that I can't be mad about how she feels. I don't like it for me but it is how she feels.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I am not sure if I skipped the anger phase of just moved through it so quickly. I never remember except when I felt she was not treating the kids right being mad. I am looking at it more in the manner that I can't be mad about how she feels. I don't like it for me but it is how she feels.
Hey otw, I am speaking from experience...anger will squeek out. It is something you will have to feel to truly move forward. It is not something that we can suppress or not feel. It may not be ready to come out yet, but it likelybwill eventually.
There are others who have posted novels on feeling anger and the importance of it (so maybe do some searches)...when it comes, embrace it to move forward, it is part of healing.
Interesting. I really want to get through the process I need to. I think I have had anger about things she was doing because I wanted it to be with me but mad that she felt the way she does I did not. I hope if it does come along I can keep control and not cause any more damage.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Not sure if you utilize any form if therapy or counseling, but if you are I would suggest working it out with a professional....it is notbeasy to work through this stage of loss without collateral damage, on your own...some can do it just fine, others not.
Cali- I am taking your suggestion with the 3 lists, and doing this tonight! What a great idea!
OTW- I think I have skipped the anger phase too. I have experienced angry days, but never sustained anger. I also find that I get really angry at the wayward spouses I read about here, really more angry at them than at my own H, maybe that is displaced anger and safer emotionally. Or maybe because a lot of you all have really screwed up spouses, lol. One of my concerns is that my anger is going to boil up at some really inopportune time, like Thanksgiving dinner at the inlaws, and I will blow all my efforts to hell. That will be an interesting story!
Maybe some of us are just not angry people, and small episodes of anger here and there are enough to release what we have built up. Or maybe we need a healthy outlet to blow off some steam. A friend of mine who went through this 7 years ago runs, she said when she started she could barely run 20 feet, now she does 2 marathons a year and it is all her anger coming out at those times. Could be you are releasing it in a healthy way already? Or you might need to find one when the time comes.
Talk it over with your IC, that is a good idea, and please let me know if you get any insight.
Well... I for one was an angry person. In fact that was one of the complaints W had that actually held some water. IC and some books helped me get to the root of where this came from. I was a conflict avoid fixer... Which brings a nice dose of passive aggressiveness with it. I would do A B & C and expect X Y & Z in return.... When that didn't happen I would become upset.... It never would happen as I would learn, because W could not read my mind nor have a clue as to what I wanted because I avoided stating my needs to her .... Huge issue in our M that was all in me. This was one of those things that I listed and replaced with becoming stronger and not afraid to confront people in my life and state firmly and verbally what I expected/needed
As far as anger from the betrayal/abandonment ... That's normal and will be cyclic... Comes at you in various wave of intensity ... When you learn to grow you can harness this negative energy and use it to propel you past a point where you were stuck... In the detachment area for instance ... Some times it give you a boost to leap forward ... Accept its normal and all part of this, don't live there ... But don't deny its place in all this either
