Black and white

[Zues126]

Yup, after a heck of a year I'm ok not having much to say as well. It's very nice.

You know, these days when I think of marriage I see it as more of a business partnership. Maybe it's because I've been doing B2B sales for a while and have had a chance to work with many owners and see how they operate with their partners. In business the goal is easy, building an operation that brings in revenue. In marriage people have completely different pictures of what the heck they're expecting or steering towards. I know this sounds obvious, but I didn't always appreciate how different views could be. It's like if I say the word 'bicycle' we both picture a bike, but mine might be a different color, a mountain bike vs. a street bike, etc.

Looking back at the end of my M it sure seems like it's destruction was unnecessary. I still do feel like we never really gave it a chance. We jumped in, things got difficult, and they just ran into the ground until she bailed. It would be like opening the shop, losing money, and maxing out all lines of credit, then filing BK and shutting the doors. No thoughts of advertising, marketing, adjusting costs, etc. Just open, fail, close. That's sure how it seems looking back. Of course I tried some things, she tried some things...but compared to how important marriage is and how destructive divorce is it sure doesn't seem like what we tried was proportionate to what was at stake. I say this now from a place of calm, peace, and acceptance...just how it truly looks.

We've talked about not settling, another of my 'black and white' struggles. I am starting to see that I won't settle next time...but I think in the right way. This doesn't mean I won't settle on someone that is human, has flaws, vices, insecurities, quirks, and failings. I am human and expect her to be. But where I realize I won't settle is on their overall commitment to marriage, and the attitude and outlook they bring to it. STBX and I weren't bad people but we definitely lacked some knowledge on how to make an M work. No scorecard, the only differences I see is that I was unwilling to give up and I am willing to accept that I might be wrong. She wasn't as openminded, it was her way or the highway, and I ended up the highway. That might change for her down the road if she learns from life, but not in time for our M. So commitment, humility, and openmindedness are keys to me. And the demonstrated ability to act based on beliefs and character during adversity and not steer by feelings.

This nearly triggered a rant about how it sure seems tough these days, with the breakdown of social tradition coinciding with people's pursuits of their individual happiness...those qualities are not easy to find...but I won't go down this road now. I'll just tickle it and move on.

One thing I'm still learning to accept is that it might not work out anyway. M is so tough, I can be selective as I'd like and I still might end up D again, or in a terrible M, some things are just hard to control. But I can do my part of it, be it taking the time to heal, becoming who I want to be before and in the M, and focusing on myself and my own journey regardless of whether future W is doing what I think is her half. You don't get a dog because of what you expect it will do for you. You get a dog for companionship, to love it, to take care of it. I am starting to think that's a better idea of how to approach a spouse. What they give back is kind of gravy, and not really what your journey is about.

The best part is I'm not concerned about it right now. I am enjoying being single. I CAN'T WAIT to get a bigger place with a pool table. Next July 1. It is a done deal. Nothing will stop me. Oh, yeah, I'll want more room for the kids, etc, etc. But I will have my 9' pool table up. My idea of paradise is the ability to do some drills, play the 10 ball ghost, some straight pool, slow down and shoot a trouble shot for an hour, work on my break, and just listen to music and wrench on my game...that's been half my life, and I miss it terribly...but I play so good, and I think this experience has toughened me up. I think once I start hitting balls again I can get to a level that's more solid than it was before. Not necessarily a better top gear (which is almost impossible), but just steadier, deeper, more consistent, and able to withstand more pressure more of the time. I truly feel my best days are ahead of me, and I am looking forward to testing myself and winning in some big arenas.

Maybe I take a few years this way before I think about a partner. Maybe I decide this is better for me and I stay solo for decades or for the count. Maybe someone really surprises me and leads me to believe that there is a woman out there I could partner with. But I'm not looking, and I feel happier and more at peace than I have...ever? Wow. That's pretty cool. I guess that's my reward for being appreciative of what I have in my life. Now all I need is that pool table...;)