Back on these forums again

[Mona52]

Had a great conversation with H today. As I was going over my plans in my head and reading DR and reading another site that spoke about a halo effect I was getting myself all confused about what I need to do next.

TLR says NC. The halo effect says I need to do 4 good things to cancel out one bad.

I completely shut down at the end of our M so me using NC was more of the same. But I need to give him a chance to miss me so I cant contact him.

But all I have been doing anymore is complain, and last night, for some reason, D16 called him and asked him for a ride home.

I had invited H to spend time with D 15 yesterday and he said he could not. So it was weird that D 16 called him. She did not know he was busy. But, he did not say no to her and he actually drove her home yesterday.

So today I decided to send a text and break up the NC. We texted for 2 hours.

Me: "Thank you for driving her home last night., I did not tell her to do that and her phone died before I could tell her you were busy."

H: "No worries. I enjoyed my time with her."

The next 2 hours I spent asking him questions about his job and other stuff, and filling him in on what the kids are doing. I refused to go within a mile of any kind of fight or any R talk.

We first met at the printing press he now works at. So I was able to ask questions that show I know him better than anyone else in the world. And only I understand what he is talking about. But they were harmless questions, for example, are the presses single web now? That may make no sense and it is certainly completely harmless, but he understood that I was amazed at something he was doing.

By starting off the conversation with a thank you, he was quick to open up about his job. I kept the focus solely on him. I know the pains of working that job so I was able to draw out the pains to show him I understand how well he is doing.

If there is one thing my H loves to do, it is to talk about himself. If there is another thing my H likes to do, it is to over exaggerate the truth so he gets pity.
I validated like a boss and the more I validated, the more he spoke. There is a point where he actually sent me 4 text messages in a row!

He became so comfortable in our conversation that he actually ...

wait for it, because this is priceless...

complained TO ME at one point that his whole check was going towards child support.

(remember, he left me at one point and had another child out of wedlock and he pays her support)

So he is paying me for three kids and her for one!

I dont know who took over my body at that point, but I actually validated his freaking feelings!

Dont get me wrong, I was angry... Livid, but in my text messages to him it was all like "That must be very hard..."

Then I would send a text to my mom with my true feelings. "Mom, you wont believe what he just said to me!!!" I really did not want to text my mom at all, but I am 100% sure I would have physically exploded if I did not vent SOMEWHERE.

It was a mistake, because her text messages back to me were all negative... (Completely understandable. If someone was being a jerk face to my D I would be very negative about that jerk face. But since I am fighting for that jerk face right now, a little positive support would have been helpful.)

Now is when I act as if today never happened. I will not mess this positive experience up by have EXPECTATIONS. The halo effect means I need to show him 4 positives to erase a negative. Today was definitely a positive, but I am going to count it as 2 positives,because I did more than one good thing in those 2 hours.

My plan tomorrow is NO CONTACT. No Contact. no, I really mean it... no contact.

I only want one or 2 pleasant conversations a week right now. Even if he wants more. I need to absolutely take everything molasses slow.

But at least I am going to bed confident that I really can do this. I know exactly what to say and what not to say to make him react positively or negatively.

I remember the girl I was 20 years ago when we first met, so i am 100% sure I can elicit his loving feelings again. I just need to move forward in a way that I am NOT winning my M back, but I am creating a new M starting today where we both get our real needs fulfilled, not just back to the same old M.