The 'die on this hill' just an expression of being the final battle that you know you will not come out of.
So I wanted to share something that struck me today. All of my wife's resentments of our years together...I never really connected them.
They all were different, but the resounding theme ends up as 'I didn't listen to her opinion'
Simple enough right, but really I can see for the first time...I did not take the time to actually hear her and to make sure that I understood her side of things. I have tried to validate lately...but I was not doing THAT.
I had as one of my 180's from this past winter as 'Listen Damnit, really try to hear her'.
Evidently I had still not been doing a good enough job of that. I literally stop what I am doing, turn off TV, set book down, whatever I was doing and pay attention. Those interactions were fine...but when we would get into an heated discussion, evidently I was so focused on what I wanted to say or wanted her to hear, that I was not hearing her.
WTF, not very good job.
I was doing some reading this afternoon after I realized I was still not doing what I set out to do...found this nugget.
Resentment: the memory of having been invalidated. Heal resentment in two steps: 1) by validating the original invalidating experience and 2) validating any invalidating experiences that have occurred in the time between the original and the present. Resentment can easily be healed by intentional validating activities by the “offender”.
UM, Ya. I have only made things worse over the years. I printed out multiple validations worksheets and articles to help me do some more studying, beyond what I've already printed here.
While I know I cannot fix her, I can certainly stop adding fuel to the fire when we talk about anything.
