LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (2)

[CaliGuy]

Cali.
i love your point of view and how to handle. I guess where g and myself are having problems is actually in the detaching. We are doing things and going out places, yes to have fun, but we are also hoping to break a fog in the w with what we do. Meaning we are still holding on so much, and we need to do these things for ourselves.
I struggle with saying the types of things you say because in the back of my mind i feel i am reassuring her that i am still hoping to reconcile and she knows she still has me.

thoughts?

Ok so two parts:
Detaching, I honestly stunk at it... Ou must accept its not like cutting a thick rope(bond) ... It's not like you saw and saw and one day you snap free... It's a gradual process major like pouring syrup out of a bottle. For me the light went on when I realized I love my wife, deeply, I wanted her happy and arrived to a point that I wanted this for her even if it wasn't with me. I accepted I would in some capacity always love her.... But ya know what? I also loved that shiny new r8 black Audi ... I can appreciate them for what they are from afar and stay clear of the emotional harm both would deliver

Second thing... "Breaking the fog in W with what you do" that's a complete misconception, what that really says is the fear you have, you are afraid of losing your W, afraid of life without her, so that fear now controls you and with that you are manipulating the situation to regain a sense of power because at present she has it all, power over you, your M, the family... All of it... You are a passenger in a car with a person who has zero regard for your safety and you think if she lets you drive all will be good. Ask yourself... Would Clint Eastwood beg to drive, no... He would get out and start walking .... And once he does that guess who stops the car and thinks about her choices .... Not out of manipulation but because now she is not running away from the pursuits ... She starts facing what is really in store

There is no guarantee in all this, at this point you have to fix yourself for the next chapter in your life and understand and accept that your W may or may not be in it... It's her choice, I got to a point I wanted her to decide to be with me, tricking/manipulating/. Begging her to be there would only be a bandaid... The pain I felt, I'd NEVER want to relive ....

So I took a good hard long look at myself and began the work , it has been almost 2 years and I continue to work, I've come a long way and still have a ways to go but I'm good with me, if my W wants to stand by my side that's great ... But if she opts to walk that's ok too I know who I am, I'm at peace and I'm going to be ok regardless

[Thornton]

I wouldn't bring up the OW thing. She'll bring it up again and then you can set the record straight.

Many people associate poker (gambling) with addiction. Have you had an issue with this in the past?

[CaliGuy]

G

I would not go out of my way to set her straight at this point... If she brings it up then you fire a truth dart, end the conversation and walk

As far as poker nights... Stop worrying about what she thinks ... She fired you, your gals are yours ... Personally I'd look at those .its good to get out and make friends but...... Challenge yourself , something you can grow from.

[TxHubby]

I don't want to be insensitive. If you want to save your marriage then I also want that for you. With that said, however, have you envisioned life post-marriage? I only ask because from the interactions that you've had with her lately she doesn't sound like a very nice person. I know that could be some kind of fog but a lot of these conversations are pretty brutal. She hopes you get into a car accident? Does she have the emotional maturity of a 7 year old? It's going to be hard for you to have adult conversations about saving your marriage with someone acting so childish. You'll be the only adult in the room.

[gs9]

I wouldn't bring up the OW thing. She'll bring it up again and then you can set the record straight.

This is just what I was thinking.....this and Breathe....you have time....She'll bring it up again....

Many people associate poker (gambling) with addiction. Have you had an issue with this in the past?

No regular addictions but I did stop drinking because I have a hard time not drinking too many in a sitting.

[gs9]

G

I would not go out of my way to set her straight at this point... If she brings it up then you fire a truth dart, end the conversation and walk

This is exactly what I was thinking. I fear her believing I'm her security net. When the truth is I do not want a D but I don't want the M we had either. I won't go back to an abusive M.

As far as poker nights... Stop worrying about what she thinks ... She fired you, your gals are yours ... Personally I'd look at those .its good to get out and make friends but...... Challenge yourself , something you can grow from.

Agreed. Thank you

[Thornton]

Ok, let me ask you this... what can you do that would be a 180 from poker? What can you do besides poker that will make her wonder about you?

Golf? A men's group? Church? Scuba diving lessons? Race car driving school? Business meet ups? Mountain climbing? Gym? Volunteering? Running? Habitat for Humanity? Organizing a food drive (the holidays are right around the corner)? A father/son retreat? Daddy/daughter date night?

[gs9]

I don't want to be insensitive. If you want to save your marriage then I also want that for you. With that said, however, have you envisioned life post-marriage? I only ask because from the interactions that you've had with her lately she doesn't sound like a very nice person. I know that could be some kind of fog but a lot of these conversations are pretty brutal. She hopes you get into a car accident? Does she have the emotional maturity of a 7 year old? It's going to be hard for you to have adult conversations about saving your marriage with someone acting so childish. You'll be the only adult in the room.

You're not being insensitive. I have envisioned my life Post-marriage. It's great! I really felt it this weekend with just D4 and I. I do want to save my M but not the M I had. I won't go back to that. My WW has a lot potential but she'll need a lot of help. The comment she made last night was pretty mild compared to what I've heard from her. She was abused as a child. This does not excuse her from taking responsibility for her words and actions but she does need a lot of help.
I have often felt like I was the only adult in the room.

I feel like I have a lot of additional issues during the A, D and M saving. She's not like dealing with a regular person and really no WW is but she has a lot of other issues that may make this even harder.

[gs9]

Ok, let me ask you this... what can you do that would be a 180 from poker? What can you do besides poker that will make her wonder about you?

Golf? A men's group? Church? Scuba diving lessons? Race car driving school? Business meet ups? Mountain climbing? Gym? Volunteering? Running? Habitat for Humanity? Organizing a food drive (the holidays are right around the corner)? A father/son retreat? Daddy/daughter date night?

These are great activities. I already go to church, 2 men's groups from the church ( she doesn't know about the 2nd one yet. Just started last week), Gym 4-5x week, Daddy/Daughter date night about once a week. However, race car driving sounds fun. I've also looked into playing rugby again. Starting training for it and hurt myself. I may be ready to play again soon. Maybe I'll go golfing this weekend.

I think I have really made an effort to not be sitting around the house with her. She tells me over and over again that she doesn't want me there anyway. It's weird. She again said " and hopefully you won't come back" but then she's asking me where I'm going.

should I be making an effort to not hang out with her at the house. I really don't want to hang out with her.

[Thornton]

I don't think even she knows what she wants, her mind is a battlefield right now.

That's why it's important to detach so you don't get caught up in her muck. Keep working on improving you. Try new things, keep it fresh.