LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (2)

[gs9]

Thornton,
Hmmmmm.....interesting.....I will be careful about not coming across as angry. That is definitely a possibility. I'll be sure to maintain and firm and confident position without being angry. Thank you for the honest feedback.

As far as the other women.....I'm afraid if I counter her comments about me having a girlfriend then I'll be reassuring her and she'll think I'm still emotionally attached, she can continue her A's and I'll be there waiting for her whenever she is ready to return. How to I counter to be the man only a fool would leave with out giving her reassurance

Her comments and accusations have no weight because there is no other women.

[Thornton]

The only thing you will be reassuring her of is that you are a man of integrity. That's attractive.

It's good you are out and about and busy. That keeps her guessing. But her being jealous isn't love, it's insecurity.

You want your w to come back because she loves you, not because she doesn't want another woman to have you, right?

If you become a man only a fool would leave, then other women will find you attractive as well. There's nothing wrong with that. Just don't give the impression that you are dating them.

Regarding her thinking you are emotionally attached, that's proven through your actions, not words.

Stay busy, be cordial when you see her, don't take the bait when she lays a trap for you. That's attractive.

[gs9]

Great tips. A man of integrity is very attractive.

Ugh! I'm struggling with this because I feel as if when she asks about a girl friend if I tell her there isn't one I'll be giving her back some of her security. She won't feel the loss of me moving on or letting her go. If she doesn't feel this loss she may not realize she loves me. She may not be scared of losing me. It's such a delicate dance.

Good news. I don't think about her much during the day.

[gs9]

So should I reassure her that there isn't another woman today?

Should I tell her something like "God hasn't brought me this far for me throw away the character He is building by having an affair, having a girlfriend, spending time with other women, or even having inappropriate conversations."

[otw]

in my opinion i would not back track, just take advantage of future conversations. I am not even sure if i would reaffirm her that there is nothing going on. I to like the mystery. Maybe just tell her you are doing things to make you happy and that is all.

but be polite and chipper. she can not bring you down.

[CaliGuy]

Gnicks

Just caught up a bit on your sitch and Thorton is right.... Tread carefully on this presumed OW tactic.... While mystery is good, you not being a man of integrity and her assuming you are sleeping around only fuels her and add into the "I was right to do what I did ... He doesn't love me ... Look he is already messing around" assumptions right?

Bigger picture ... You are doing this simply to get a reaction out of your W ... That's not DBing .... That's manipulation, is that who you want to be? Is it who you are? May wanna take a long look in the mirror and start figuring out just who you are at this moment and who you want to be when YOU... Yes YOU come out the other side.

I caught a post where you stated "Yeah.....seems like there was probably some guilt there too. Terrible to think about so I'm going to tuck that away in a little box somewhere in the way back dark places of my head. The good news when we R she'll need to confess all that has occurred, sincerely apologize for it, work to rebuild trust and love and she'll have to live with what she's done forever."
Can you see how punishing this is.... Who would want to come back to that? I am not saying she would have some things to own up, and work to do.... That's IF she ever decided to come back and commit to the M.... And I'm here to tell you if its just about manipulating this to get her back, you aren't improving nor learning much and it's not going to work.... DBing and changing just to appear a certain way ( coming home at late hours under the impression you are out getting some... And then playing it up) isn't going to win her heart... It's going to harden it.

I've told this a few times... One night my W came to pick up my S and I was decked out to go out .... This set her off ... However when she confronted me and asked who I was going to see a movie with and I told her "Jordan" she spewed about how Jordan was a slut ... This n that... Cue the "it's Jake from State Farm" commercial because Jordan is a guy... I then brought out my truth darts and informed W I'm a man of character and honor my vows and would not stoop to that low level ( implying her A without saying it) I then ended the conversation and went about my day

Was I sitting and moping at home? No ... I was enjoying my free nights and still honoring my M , till the D papers were signed I vowed to do this... My choice and what I could live with. That being said I was moving on with my life and she was feeling it .... But I was still a man of integrity and not playing games

Food for thought

[Thornton]

Good stuff ^^^

[otw]

Cali.
i love your point of view and how to handle. I guess where g and myself are having problems is actually in the detaching. We are doing things and going out places, yes to have fun, but we are also hoping to break a fog in the w with what we do. Meaning we are still holding on so much, and we need to do these things for ourselves.
I struggle with saying the types of things you say because in the back of my mind i feel i am reassuring her that i am still hoping to reconcile and she knows she still has me.

thoughts?

[gs9]

Gnicks

Just caught up a bit on your sitch and Thorton is right.... Tread carefully on this presumed OW tactic.... While mystery is good, you not being a man of integrity and her assuming you are sleeping around only fuels her and add into the "I was right to do what I did ... He doesn't love me ... Look he is already messing around" assumptions right?

Thank you so much for the insight. We have our initial status conference today so I'll see her this afternoon. Do I calmly and in very few words set the record straight? Something like " Just to be clear. I am a man of integrity. There is no girlfriend."

Bigger picture ... You are doing this simply to get a reaction out of your W ... That's not DBing .... That's manipulation, is that who you want to be? Is it who you are? May wanna take a long look in the mirror and start figuring out just who you are at this moment and who you want to be when YOU... Yes YOU come out the other side.

I don't think I'm going out to get a reaction out of her. I'm meeting up with old friends that I've lost contact with. I'm playing poker, Watching football, giving her space and doing the things I enjoy. Things I would want to continue whether or not we R. Is this DBing?

I caught a post where you stated "Yeah.....seems like there was probably some guilt there too. Terrible to think about so I'm going to tuck that away in a little box somewhere in the way back dark places of my head. The good news when we R she'll need to confess all that has occurred, sincerely apologize for it, work to rebuild trust and love and she'll have to live with what she's done forever."
Can you see how punishing this is.... Who would want to come back to that?

Ugh! Not me. I definitely need an attitude adjustment around this starting immediately.

I am not saying she would have some things to own up, and work to do.... That's IF she ever decided to come back and commit to the M.... And I'm here to tell you if its just about manipulating this to get her back, you aren't improving nor learning much and it's not going to work.... DBing and changing just to appear a certain way ( coming home at late hours under the impression you are out getting some... And then playing it up) isn't going to win her heart... It's going to harden it.

Understood. Am I playing it up by not answering her questions and setting the record straight?

I've told this a few times... One night my W came to pick up my S and I was decked out to go out .... This set her off ... However when she confronted me and asked who I was going to see a movie with and I told her "Jordan" she spewed about how Jordan was a slut ... This n that... Cue the "it's Jake from State Farm" commercial because Jordan is a guy... I then brought out my truth darts and informed W I'm a man of character and honor my vows and would not stoop to that low level ( implying her A without saying it) I then ended the conversation and went about my day

So do I set the record straight today? I don't want her to think I'm screwing around. However, she has accused me of screwing around for most of M. She never a had reason to she just has a lot of insecurities and self esteem issues. Her accusations were always expressed in anger/bitterness/rage/hate/abusive behaviors

Was I sitting and moping at home? No ... I was enjoying my free nights and still honoring my M , till the D papers were signed I vowed to do this... My choice and what I could live with. That being said I was moving on with my life and she was feeling it .... But I was still a man of integrity and not playing games

I'm happy to say my vows are still intact. I'm enjoying my nights out and still honoring my W. I'm just not telling her what I'm doing. Is this wrong? I guess I've asked several times but should I reassure her that there is no other women? Or should I say something more along the lines of "I've given you no reason to believe there's another woman, I am a man of character and I will continue to be one"?

[gs9]

Also, She hates that I play poker. I really enjoy it. Should I not be playing because if she knew she would be mad? That feels like she would be controlling and manipulating me again. When she was acting like my W I didn't play in order to keep peace.