This is my first post Two weeks ago my wife suggested we separate at the end of the current school year so as not to disrupt or children's education and focus. My boys are aged 13 and 15
For at least 5 years my wife has become distant. She keeps her feelings all bottled up inside. I wear my emotions on my sleeve.
My actions of the past are to blame for our current situation. I was selfish and irresponsible and did not take my wife's feelings into consideration. I have never cheated or had an affair. I went on week long golf trips with "the guys" leaving here home alone with two young boys and other events without asking if my wife wanted to join me. Although I asked if she minded me going, she did not want to look like a controlling wife. I wish she would have told me then what I know now.
Knowing her feelings for me were changing, I became a whiney, grovelling insecure wimp with low self esteem and no self confidence. I did every thing to try to pull her closer, all the while I was pushing here away.
My wife is a beautiful strong willed woman, very secure in herself and confident. I became the exact opposite of her. What woman would want a needy, insecure man in her life? I was not the man she married.
We still live in the same house, share the same bed and very cordial to one another. I want to hold her and caress her because I miss her. I know I have to let her initiate any contact at this point in our marriage.
Every night before bed I would kiss her goodnight and say ILY just to hear her it back. I was the only one asking her if she wanted "date night" She has not initiated a "couples night only" in years.
After finding this website and reading the forums I decided I needed to change to save our marriage. I have since ordered DR in the hopes I can save my marriage. The book has not yet arrived and I was hoping I could get some advice on my next move.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Glad you found the right forum. If you'll post often and stick with us,I think you'll get the best support around.
So, let me get this straight. You knew she had been growing more and more distant the past five years.......or she told you? B/c if you have known for five years, why the heck didn't you decide to change "before" she was done with the M? You could not have been that blind, since she was not asking for a date night (which I don't think a W should have to ask), and she wouldn't say ILY unless you pressured her.......so what was the deal with you? Nothing but selfishness? Although you saw the MR deteriorating?
I am just trying to wrap my head around this situation. Not that it's anything new around here. There are others in the same boat here on the DB board. As you read more threads, you will see how eerily similar the stories become.
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I was selfish and irresponsible and did not take my wife's feelings into consideration. I have never cheated or had an affair.
Has she? I mean, a lot of women in her shoes would find another man who appreciated her more than her H.
Okay, so I will lay the 2x4 down. What have you done, thus far, about changing yourself and becoming the man you once were?
Let me caution you, as you prepare to take this journey, don't start focusing on becoming what you think is her version of the perfect husband. Why? B/c most LBH's miss the mark when they think they know what women want in a H. Don't try to be "super husband" or even "super dad". Just be a great dad, while you are trying to find balance in life and becoming the man you need to be.
Tell us what you were like when she fell in love with you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry you find yourself needing to be here. I read your sitch and see parallels between yours and mine. For different reasons, my W has been very emotionally distant for a long time. I know how tough that is.
If you would permit me to lightly chastise you, you said:
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My actions of the past are to blame for our current situation.
The truth is that both you and your wife's choices are to blame for where you are now. The blame is not all on your shoulders even though you may feel that way (I certainly did) at times, and even though you are taking the initial responsibility on your own for getting your marriage back on track.
I also responded much the same way as you did in the beginning. The DB/DR stuff really helps because it's about getting YOU back as the most important step in making it possible to move forward into a better R with your W.
IC has also been good for me because having someone to talk to who is confidential and objective and experienced is a good thing.
If your school year ends in mid-2016, that gives you a lot of time to make important changes and to allow her to experience and witness them, especially if you are still living together.
I tried everything to try and buy her love. Trips, special gifts, I realized I had become clingy and the more I tried to pull her back the more she pushed. My life was centered around trying to please her at the expense of my own happiness. I was very confident and secure in myself when we met. She was the pursuer. I was happy go lucky. Always looked on the Brightside of things. Very little aggravated me. I decided to become the man I was but I also realize I have more responsibility as a father. Grow confidence in myself again, let go of my insecurities and enjoy who I am, not what I think others expect of me.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am still waiting for my copy of the DR book. Hope to receive it today.
I know we are both to blame but I have to shoulder the most of the responsibility. I made mistakes. I will learn from these mistakes.
I hope that the advise I get from the book as well as from my coach and these forums, I will become the man I once was. I had less responsibilities when we met. I lived life to the fullest. I want to do that again but with my wife by my side. I will become fun to be with again.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I tried everything to try and buy her love. Trips, special gifts,
Is your love language GIFTS?
I would guess hers is not gifts but something else. Maybe she was looking for some other type of love language, words of affirmation, quality time. acts of service or touch.
Her language of love is not gifts. She is not a material person. I tried affection, words of encouragement, just trying to be there for her. In short I became smothering to try to win her affection. Now I am going dark. My concern is if I totally go dark, will she feel I know longer care for her and in hers eyes given up on us?
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Her language of love is not gifts. She is not a material person. I tried affection, words of encouragement, just trying to be there for her. In short I became smothering to try to win her affection. Now I am going dark. My concern is if I totally go dark, will she feel I know longer care for her and in hers eyes given up on us?
