I kind of lose hope whenever we talk - he seems so determined.
This is where I have issues too. I see mine was in pain, but he would not do ANYTHING to fix the pain. If he would just do this or read that or GAL or turn to me... But he does not do any of that, so when we ever do actually talk, I completely lose all hope.
It is impossible, but you have to just let them in their pain. They are doing the only thing they know to fix it. Only time, and a lot of time, will show them that there may be other ways to solve the pain and you may be one of them.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I hope you're right, Mona. I wish he would, eventually, turn to me. Not right now, I'm too busy focusing on myself.
He said he wasn't talking to anybody, friends or family. He kinda let me "have" his family in the beginning, but I don't talk to his mom about it anymore. I don't know if he expects me to believe he's not talking to OW about it at all.. Who knows, doesn't matter anyways right now.
Gmum, while he is around you and when he's away so on the phone you need to practise validation as much as you can. If you do so firstly, you'll potentially have better conversations and secondly, you will feel better as you'll understand him more and by being understood his attitude may change.
If you take validation to it's ultimate, it will be painful for you, but your are in quite a bit already, which is really tough on you.
There is the sticky thread on here on this subject and if you go to the AL Turtle website (type "AL Turtle validation" into Google) there is a lot more on the subject and it'll help you to understand prevalidation too, which is really important to make sure the validation truly has an effect.
Warning: Al does go into quite a lot of detail but he's smart enough to know this and so summarise his work meaning you have somewhere to work outward from if the full text seems a little daunting at first.
If you get prevalidation and validation right, you'll probably find you have a very different conversation with your H. It is only very recent that it occurred to me how deep true validation is and it's a challenging thing to do well, at first anyway, so takes a lot of practise.
Many say they validate but actually they are simply hearing but keeping their own view firmly in their minds and so aren't allowing the S to expand that much on how they really feel.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
I haven't posted here much lately and I am certainly no expert. I have read your entire sitch and you seem like a nice lady who really wants to do the right thing. I know how challenging it can be with young kids:)
This is all so very difficult. After BD, if feels like someone slapped you in the face and punched you in the stomach. And they keep doing it repeatedly....
My 2 cents....and I say this to everyone who quotes "affair stats". Forget the average of how long an affair lasts. Don't let 9 months, 18 months, 3 years, etc color your thinking. An affair will last as long as it lasts. I know many people who married their APs. I don't say that to be discouraging rather to remind you that you can want to save your marriage, yet your primary focus should be on becoming the absolute best Gmum you can be-for you and your child.
It is difficult to watch them in pain. However, detachment helps you see that it is just that-THEIR pain. Time doesn't stand still just because your h is sipping martinis at the Ritz while you are singing "Old McDonald" to your child. Nope. You only get one chance at this life, so the sooner you take the focus off him and shift the focus to you, then you will notice real changes.
It sounds like you have some good things going on in life. Let your h be and your job is not to make things "easy" for him. It's also not your job to teach him a lesson as the universe has a way of working that stuff out.
Hang in there. Cheers!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Avanti, thank you so much for the tip. I read his stuff and it really resonates with me. Our therapist uses the mirroring technique as well. I wish we could have done this years ago. With the help of IC I'm realizing my H has always been very dismissive of me and what I think and it has been a great source of frustration with me when he would begin sentences with "YOU think" or You feel".
Gerogiabelle, This made me laugh out loud: "Time doesn't stand still just because your h is sipping martinis at the Ritz while you are singing "Old McDonald" to your child." Hahaha. But so true. And you are right. I told him in therapy yesterday that I'm using this as an opportunity to grow. He was happy to hear that. I asked him to let go of the guilt as well. My focus is on growing, acquiring new skills and meeting new people.
Oh and my new CC arrived today ;-) First step towards independence.
I have been thinking that us LBW could intervene on behalf of the men on this board and talk some sense into the wives, and the LBH's could intervene with our H's on our behalf. Wouldn't that be nice! Unfortunately it is clear that they all have to figure this out on their own.
