This is such a hard journey to take, I still find myself being affected by my wife. I am hoping that by the end of this thread I am capable of detaching to the extent of at least getting off of this roller coaster.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
My emotions are all over the place this morning. I find myself feeling really angry at my wife, hurt by my wife, abandoned by my wife, betrayed by my wife. I also feel angry at myself. Then the self-pity kicks in, and I start feeling that victim mentality kick in, feeling sorry for myself, as if I didn't contribute anything to where I am at this stage in my life.
I can't help be upset for the fact that she is out there moving on, flirting, disregarding my feelings. I am working on forgiving it all, forgiving myself, her, her actions, my actions, everything. I honestly don't want to feel this way, and I promised myself that I won't let this turn me bitter, so I work on feeling my emotions and letting them go, but letting go isn't easy.
Wife is currently on business since Sunday and has not called to speak to the kids. I am trying so hard not to judge it but I feel bad and can't help it at times. I guess I am just looking at all the wrong things, in all honesty I am hurting, and still sadden by all of this.
Today's PMA
Quote of the day:
“No one can save me except myself.” - Susane Colasanti
I can't help be upset for the fact that she is out there moving on, flirting, disregarding my feelings. I am working on forgiving it all, forgiving myself, her, her actions, my actions, everything. I honestly don't want to feel this way, and I promised myself that I won't let this turn me bitter, so I work on feeling my emotions and letting them go, but letting go isn't easy.
Would you feel better if you knew she was being eaten alive by guilt?
You are doing hard work. She's not. You will come through this a much better person. She won't.
Never think that the WW doesn't get "rewarded" for her actions. Just b/c you can't see it, doesn't mean anything.. Just b/c her pain may come on a different schedule, time clock, calendar, or wrapped differently.......doesn't mean it's not coming.
Outwardly, it may appear people get away with destruction, but personally, I believe it all comes back to bite them.........some way, some how.
If we are marching forward and start looking backward, guess what happens?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much Sandi for this. This helps so much.
I know you are right, I know that we will both feel this at different times. I get caught up in self-pity, feeling the victim in all of this, which I honestly think is sad and weak of me.
I need to have more faith in God, and allow his plan to come into fruition. I need to stop looking backwards while moving forward, so that I don't trip
It is somewhat still surreal to me that we are here...
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
It's OK to feel angry. Its perfectly natural. It's what you DO with the anger that matters.
If that anger leads to self-doubt, self-pity, and despair, thats not good. If that anger leads to lashing out towards W, kids, etc, thats not good. If that anger leads you towards pushing yourself harder, thats GOOD.
I agree with Sandi, I truly do believe the guilt is eating them alive, some more than others.
Emmess, we are here for you, we have seen you transform into a much better person, the drinking has lowered, the anger has lowered, now you need to diminish them!
MOVE FORWARD, get the ball rolling. You will feel so much better taking charge for YOURSELF. Stop this self pitty, it is not healthy, you have tried all that you could.
It is not your fault, they clearly chose that path, you need to pack up and look after YOU and your children now. GOD is with you.
I am still dealing with my feelings but through your help I have come to realize a few things.
The feelings I have been having towards this, yes, betrayal is there. I have only been 4 months in, I understand she has been detaching a lot longer but I think she could have at least waited till we were completely separated to begin doing her.
Other things I am realizing are that I feel this way because of my insecurities, my bruised ego, this sense of ownership (although I know I never owned her), and pride. I have to look inside, and really process these feelings. Part of me goes through this different thoughts, fight it, hold on to it, and another says, let her have what she wants, let her pursuit what she wants to pursuit, see if this OM is really what she wants.
Such a process in the morning to just get to a good place... I have to try to look forward without looking backwards but without bitterness...
Thank you Sandi, Azzork, and ILYNOT. Your words are definitely provoking some serious searching. This isn't easy, I miss her and love her, and yet she is gone or far ahead.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
ILYNOT, you don't know how much I appreciate this piece of advice. I trying to awaken from this illusion. My wife is pretty set on her "friendship" with OM, and is open to seeing where it leads. Tells him she misses him and thinks about him frequently (and this is the type of stuff I wish I didn't know). The next trip will surely have them seeing each other and only God knows what will happen (again, something I wouldn't mind erasing).
I have been working on again shifting my focus from my W, what she is doing, with who. I have caught myself again making it about her. I am starting to realize that this is a road that she is very insistent in traveling. I know I can't control her, and only my reactions or actions. I have done poorly there, I overly express my feelings, fish for compliments or information, etc.
I started re-reading "Awakening by Anthony De Mello", awesome book on the illusions or brainwashing we have in our society. It has make me question my perception in all of this. I mean, my W has told me she is moving forward, likes this guy, and is going to see where it leads. I mean, how much more do I need in order for me to let her go? I guess that's something I need to explore. I want to let it go and let God. Believe in his plan for my life, and trust in him that I will come out stronger and much better for this.
I have to bring my wife down from the pedestal I have place her on, start looking at my R and M objectively, analyze it and find where it was failing at a deeper level. I am now trying to dive deeper within and find my strength in letting her go. I bothers me that when she communicates she wants to instruct me on meditation and letting go, and looking deeper. How I will realize that this is for the better; it just irks me a bit...but know that she is right at least in the looking deeper.
The world is full of a lot of possibilities, and I know that in my R I have lost myself. I need to focus my energy in finding what is of value to me and on my boys, bringing them more quality time spent with me.
I have started writing to my sons, a journal of letters, letting them know where we are in our life and giving them the best advice I can give them while I am growing.
God Bless.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
It has make me question my perception in all of this. I mean, my W has told me she is moving forward, likes this guy, and is going to see where it leads. I mean, how much more do I need in order for me to let her go? I guess that's something I need to explore.
I have totally been there. In past conversations, my H has asked me, "why do you even want to be with someone who tells you straight to your face that he doesn't want you?" The reality is, we may love them, but someone who treats us in such a manner doesn't deserve to be wanted right now, and we need to have enough self respect to pick ourselves up and walk away from that.
I realized I *don't* want my H right now. I want my H from before all this happened. But he isn't here right now. Until/Unless he returns, I am losing nothing by letting this imposter H go, because he is not the man I love anyway.
