I have to say though, it sounds like you're a lot to live up to. I think I would be intimidated as well. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's one of the major reasons why my marriage has failed.
Friday night was a blast! i went out with my mother and a huge group of her friends. The age of the group was some in their 80's all the way down to people in their 40's so I was not alone in my age group.
One part of the night was scary and sad and has stuck in my mind. We were all at a bar listening to a band. There were a handful of men in the group, and an overwhelming amount of women. You could practically feel the desperation in the air. I sat and spoke to one of my mom's friends. She was in her 60's. She told me she became a widow 9 years ago and has not dated once since. She said she was more than willing to date, but no one has asked.
Other than that, I had a lovely evening. I danced with the group and slow danced with some men my age. It felt so nice to have a tiny bit of physical contact after none for so long.
We went out to breakfast and we were a rowdy group. I fit in very well with everyone. It was so much fun.
My teen daughters had the homecoming game and they had to find a ride home, but it did not kill them. They seemed to have a good time at the game.
The next morning my son had the best soccer game of his life.
Me and the girls had a great time watching him. I even took the puppy for some fresh air.
Homecoming dance was Saturday, so I had to drive the girls to different before parties, different picture spots, then to the dance, but thankfully one girl was spending the night at a friends, so after the dance I only had to get one girl to an after party and then pick her up when it was over.
In the middle of the homecoming madness, I went to my friend's house for a party. Everyone there was my age and I had a little fun because there was a band and a bonfire, but the party for my age group was not nearly as fun as my mother's friends. My friends all just wanted to get as drunk as possible as fast as possible. They were so drunk that they were stumbling and falling all over the place. The police were called to the party before it was even 10:00pm.
It was nice seeing my friend and her family, we have been best friends since grade school. She invited friends over I used to work with in high school. It was nice getting hit on by guys my age. I even got complements on my appearance from some of the ladies there I have never met before. So I left with raised confidence, but i still did not have a great time.
Sunday we ran a bunch of errands and got a bunch of stuff done. Just me and the kids. Very nice weekend.
Nothing happened R wise and I did not expect it to. But today I blew that. I noticed my D was watching a TV show that she usually only watched with her father. But since he just wont contact her, she kinda has no choice. I knew she felt guilty about watching it, so I stupidly texted my H and asked him if he could watch it with her tonight. I told him we would all be out of the house so they would be alone.
He said no. Fine, I feel bad for my D but there is nothing I can do to help.
Then my older kid texted her D and asked him to take her home from work. I have no idea why, he never takes her home from work. But he was able to do that even though he couldnt see D15.
This sent me into a tailspin and for some reason I cannot pinpoint, I just an getting choked with pain tonight. I hate being alone, but I feel H is a jerk. Just dont know so I am just gonna go play with my kids and fall asleep. I will visit your threads in the a.m.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
V thank you! Gmum, I am more than ready for a drink, but it better be one very large glass
I started today finally ready to dig down and look at my spending for take out food face to face. I figured I would look at exactly what I am spending now so i can plan how to make it better.
It really is not as bad as I thought it would be. In the past 3 weeks, me and the kids have gotten food outside of the grocery store 9 times. That number was outrageously high when I first saw it, but then I looked closer. the 4 of us have only spent $110.51 total, and 2 of those charges were at restaurants, where we sat and ate. It averages to less than 2 bux per person, per visit except for the restaurants.
Sure, the number would be better if it was zero, but I cannot cry over that. I will add it all again on November 10th and see if I can get that number down to $75.00.
Instead of asking my mother for help I wrote some articles and earned a bit of money from them. But I am running out of hours in a day so that income source is not sustainable. But I only need it float me through until the support kicks in.
I am finding it completely impossible to focus today. After the great weekend I had, I crashed into a depression yesterday. I am still trying to shake it off and get back to normal today.
Every time I laughed over the weekend it felt weird. Like something was missing, and I know what that something was.
I was reading about dealing with insecurities the other night. They say that people who reconcile their marriages struggle with insecurities. I wanted to know if I was only hanging on because I am insecure. I am not trying to sound vain when I say any of this, I am really trying to unravel my own mind, but I do not think I am very insecure.
I am very introverted. I do not like attention or people looking at me. But I do not feel I am ugly. When I was asked to dance by the men at the bar and my friend's house this weekend I was not shocked, I kinda felt "of course they want to dance with you" When I got complements from the ladies I agreed with them. And I loved it when my husband looked at me.
So I am gonna throw insecure out the window. So why am I holding on to this M so tightly? I would love more than anything to be able to just drop it and walk away. Other people do it every day. I am not jumping back on the fence. I made my decision to try until 3/21/17, I am just trying to figure it out, because I am very sad and I want the pain to subside for a little bit so I can breath.
There is no one I can actually talk to to help me. They all are very clear that I should move on. They are not wrong, but I do not think they are right either.
I am not sure why I am in pain because I have zero to report . No contact other than that one text that he declined and I was already feeling sad before I sent that.
Ok, time to visit other threads and get ready for the doctor! Other than that I am gonna take it easy today.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Gotta hit the showers, but just wanted to say you don't need to rationalize wanting to keep your family intact. Some of us get married taking the "till death do us part" seriously.
Thanks Gmum! I think I try to rationalize it most to myself. I am embarrassed to say I want him. I joke to myself that he is my heroin, my poison that I cannot live without. Then when I think he is not good enough for me, like at all, i get so sad.
I dont really worry that the M is done. I am very sure I know exactly what I need to do on my end to breath life back into the M. If I am honest, I know that by me changing 2 areas over 50% of our issues will be resolved.
One area will be completely resolved in March. Me and the kids are getting a new house in March. This alone will completely do him in.
The second area I will have wrapped up in another month or 2.
But that is not at all what I want, and I think that is where the pain is coming from. I dont want HIM back. I want the fantasy H I dream about. I want the man who shares my bed, not plays on the PC all night. I want a partner for the kiddies. And other things I imagine a good M looks like.
I dont think I understood until right now where all of this pain was coming from. And I think I finally found it. I am grieving over losing something I haven't seen or thought of in years. I have absolutely no idea if I am able to get our M to the point were I am getting what I need from it.
I am desperately sad because I feel completely hopeless. If I get H back, he will never be what I need. If I dont get him back I need to start all over. So I am alone.
Ok, good. Now I know why I am so sad, now how to rise above it?
Last edited by Mona52; 10/20/1504:15 PM.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
there is nothing wrong with wanting h and your m back. it is natural. We wouldnt be here with you if we really didnt want the same. We are all very insecure about what the other person is doing because the not know ing is the worst part and then to make up our own reality is sometimes worse.
you are doing fine!
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
That's one of the things I struggle with as well. I don't want my M back the way it was, I want what could be. But only if we both change. We're grieving the death of a fantasy, I guess. At least I am.
