Back on these forums again

[Mona52]

Thanks Gmum! I think I try to rationalize it most to myself. I am embarrassed to say I want him. I joke to myself that he is my heroin, my poison that I cannot live without. Then when I think he is not good enough for me, like at all, i get so sad.

I dont really worry that the M is done. I am very sure I know exactly what I need to do on my end to breath life back into the M. If I am honest, I know that by me changing 2 areas over 50% of our issues will be resolved.

One area will be completely resolved in March. Me and the kids are getting a new house in March. This alone will completely do him in.

The second area I will have wrapped up in another month or 2.

But that is not at all what I want, and I think that is where the pain is coming from. I dont want HIM back. I want the fantasy H I dream about. I want the man who shares my bed, not plays on the PC all night. I want a partner for the kiddies. And other things I imagine a good M looks like.

I dont think I understood until right now where all of this pain was coming from. And I think I finally found it. I am grieving over losing something I haven't seen or thought of in years. I have absolutely no idea if I am able to get our M to the point were I am getting what I need from it.

I am desperately sad because I feel completely hopeless. If I get H back, he will never be what I need. If I dont get him back I need to start all over. So I am alone.

Ok, good. Now I know why I am so sad, now how to rise above it?