During your struggles, during this Crisis, has talking about the marital situation or trying to work things out ever worked?
I can tell you that it will not.
SHE needs to be ready and willing to get back into the marriage. She has said that she wants out. You must let her do what she wants...she is a grown woman. you cannot force her.
Maybe she IS having second thoughts, or guilt or whatever...talking about things right now...she will respond defensively with those negative thoughts that she is having (see resentment and anger issues), she will do the opposite of what you want her to do (see control and rebellion issues).
I understand the need for you to be reassured or to know what needs to be done. Hell I've been struggling for a pretty long time and I can tell you that not once when I broke down to talk about things with her, did my situation get any better...it reinforces her opinion that I am trying to control her or ignoring her feelings or not listening to what she has said.
Deep Breath. Be thankful for the things that you have in your life right this very minute. your kids, your health, whatever. Right it down if you must. Take a step forward and show yourself some compassion, feel the pain and then go do something nice for YOU for a change.
We are codependents, OK, we don't want to lose our wives. Yes...but they are really not OURS to lose are they. They have chosen to spend their lives with us up until now. It is up to them if they want to stay. It is their choice if they want to leave. This is their fight, their struggle...do not give them any more ammunition to support the decision to leave.
Things ARE crazy...ditch the crazy train and lets start focusing more on US instead of what she is going to do.
Yes, I am writing this to you, but I am actually writing it for ME as well.
Z, I understand everything you said and i never intended to speak anymore. I know it does not work as it has not since BD. The last time we had a discussion on things back in August i told her that she would never hear these words from me again "i dont want this, dont agree, i think we can figure this out, but if this is what you want then i will do it". Since then i have not given her any reason to believe i am not ok with everything.
The same goes for how you are writing to me, but writing it for yourself as well, I come on her and just vent my feelings for the moment to get them out. It is almost a release to make sure i dont do anything that i will regret.
thank you for the support during mine and your rough times.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
So I have accepted the move and separation is happening. I know this because she has boxes everywhere and although it sucked I am not that bad. I think maybe now the kids know it is easier on me somehow. Anyway so I have accepted this step and decided I am feeling ok so why not be the nice person I know I am. I am pleasant around her and cooked dinner for everyone but I do not help with carrying boxes etc. I can see she is stressed tonight so I asked her if she is ok. I think I need to take this answer I got seriously because it is only the second time since BD I saw her not charging toward what she wanted. Could also be nothing but moving stress. When I asked her she as answered I don't know under her breath. I said excuse me and she repeated then I said why what's up. And she quickly changed up and said nothing she is fine. I don't want to look into anything too much but I haven't seen any attitude like this from her. Any thoughts?
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
She's probably very confused otw, and may be for some time. Let her be. Don't interject or try to sway her one way or the other. She'll most likely swing from one end to the other over and over. If you try to keep up or allow yourself to have the same highs and lows based off of her, you'll lose your mind.
You've got kids to be a great dad for, and yourself to take care of. She's made her own decisions.
Stay strong, stay solid for your kids and stay as positive as you can. Although my sitch isn't headed anywhere good, I'm happy knowing I did everything in my power to make my W question leaving - by working on me and being extremely pleasant to her (with Wonka's help). And by doing that, I feel great about myself and can look myself in the mirror.
Good luck,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I agree. I don't want to look to far into this or really get my hopes up for anything because I know I have a few more difficult items to deal with coming up. We have not signed a sep agreement yet and I am sure that is coming any day now.
I do think she is confused and I want to be someone she would look at and want to be with while I am staring her moving out in the face.
Thank you for the words and reminding me to keep focused on me right now and the kids. The things she is doing can not bring me down.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I was right there where you are at at this very time 2 years ago, Nov 8 2013 my W officially moved out ... I let her take everything thinking ... 1-2 months tops. I was not a member here at the time, I made a few mistakes but one of them was not begging ... asking her how she was. There was a moment she asked to talk .. in tears asking me if she was making the right move and I told her that is for her to answer ... I was angry she would move out .. little did I know the entire picture back then.
otw .... she fired you , you asking her if she is OK, it is you caring I get that .. but its also you afriad and pursuing, hoping to catch a glimpse of doubt so you can play that note to your advantage. I get it ... trust me I get it ... but look at it from the outside ... its not attractive.
She may second guess things, most likely she has doubts but that being said any wrong move by you will just add to the justifications she has been collecting up to this point. Let her go ... she needs to FEEL this without you. I did not lift a pinkie helping W move, her circus her monkeys ... she hired a crew to move OUR things into a condo. The WORST part of that whole thing ... was the Thanksgivings dinner, I ate it alone in an empty house, was leftovers from the work party ... that was my rock bottom.
We wait for the WAS to hit rock bottom and come out of the fog ... I believe the LBS has to hit it too ... in order to really do the work that will be required from her on out. Try as we might warn you here ... advise you there ... its really you who holds the key and the power to this entire thing though at this moment you feel like you are on a runaway train ... trust me when I say it gets better ... it really does .. regardless of what she does or puts you through.
She has to feel serious loss to rethink her actions ... approach this move as a step in that direction ... be wise and use this time to transform yourself into a better otw ... otw 2.0 as I have coined it. Time to get to work my friend.
Wow. You are right. I guess it is still me taking a little piece in her not dealing with everything so well. I still focusing on her. I do feel I am getting a little more detached from where I was. I am glad I can post about the things happening to get a bit of a reality check from people who have been through hell and back.
I have said from the beginning this is going to get worse before it gets better. I am ready to build myself. Cali Thank you and please keep checking on me!
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
