That's a little One Direction for you!I'm not sure the title is totally true for me, although I hope I am on the right path. I have missed everyone here. In the spirit of candor, I am still not crazy about the mobile version of this site, so I don't read as much as I used to.
I have been busy and....trying to regroup. This stuff comes in waves. I hit a bar around a gas pump, got it fixed, and now the driver's door won't open. Very Dukes of Hazzardish. My 2 older kids are failing multiple subjects and the little one is flourishing in kindergarten albeit with some poop woes.
I have been working, having some fun with friends, and enjoying my people. About a month ago, I made the mistake of weighing myself and it sent me into a tailspin for about 2 weeks. However, I regrouped, decided my Victoria's Secret fashion show days are over (they never started:), and am just trying to work out and stay focused on being the best I can be.
A year ago at this time, I admittedly had a certain optimism regarding relationships. I was all gung ho on finding someone one day to share my life with. What a difference a year has made. For the first time in my life, I find myself genuinely happy for others when an anniversary is celebrated. A friend is remarrying her ex 6 months after their D was final and I can't describe how I feel when seeing these happen. I think these events are awesome, however, I no longer feel anything for myself regarding future Rs. I really think I may be done. That makes me incredibly sad for some reason as I always wanted to share my life with someone. I no longer think that and I am struggling with that feeling. It is not an ebb and flow feeling-more of a "that's awesome for others and I simply cannot do that again for me" feeling.
D10 was telling me one day what she would like in a step father. I stopped her and said, "those are great qualities and I would do anything in the world for you. That I cannot do." She said, "okay" and it has not come up again. And that is when I think I was overwhelmed with sadness. I know people are essentially good and I know there are many fantastic guys out there. For me, it would be like trying to find a 4 leaf clover in a sand storm-impossible. I consider myself very strong and I do not have it in me to do that again. Sorry if I sound like a downer.
X-Mr. GB? He owes me some money, however, we do get along fine. He is somebody that I used to know (little Gotya for ya) He goes to FB games, tailgates, and sits in the student section. There is discussion that OW wishes he made more money to buy her a decent ring. I wish he made more money to pay what he owes. Boom!!!! Perhaps when she finishes school she will have a lucrative career which will translate into complete and on time payments. I don't know....I see him and I think that was a life time ago.
This is not my most absolute favorite time of the year we are approaching, however, I try to laugh and enjoy each moment with my peeps. I would love to say that I am super duper excited about the future and that would be a lie. Things change and I guess I struggle sometimes with my changing feelings. I don't really like some of them.
That's all for now. XO
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
