Depressing post.... She's moving out in 6 days.

[Accuray]

Gabs,

I'm very concerned that you have really misunderstood the DB program and DB rules to be some kind of game with very rigid rules.

That is 100% the opposite of what it really is. No one is telling you to use the LRT with your wife. No one is telling you not to talk to her.

More importantly, you're doing FINE, and are undoubtedly doing the best you can. People here aren't criticizing you to make you feel badly, they're trying to help. Some of the advice you'll get is spot on, and some will not be. You need to filter it for yourself and see what applies.

I know it's frustrating because it's easy to have black and white rules but DB is all about nuance and subtlety. You can say the exact same words to your wife two different ways with different body language and tone. One way would help your cause and the other way would hurt it. It's not about what you say or don't say, it's about your energy -- how you feel about yourself, how you choose to conduct your life, and the rest reflects that.

If you are happy, confident, independent, and clearly 100% fine on your own, with no "need" for your wife at all, that will come across. If that is your evident attitude, then you can send her flowers and flirt with her, and still not really be pursuing because she'll see in your demeanor that you don't really care if she engages or not. You don't "need" her to do anything. In that context, you're not pursuing, even though you bought her a romantic gift!

If, on the other hand, you go completely dark and stop communicating with her entirely, but every time she happens to see you you emit an aura like Gollum, desperate for any crumb of attention from your "precious", then even though you're not really *doing* anything, you're still pursuing.

See how confusing this can be if you look for absolute rules?

It's like Damone said in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High":

"Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude."

"The Attitude" doesn't mean that you are standoffish, aloof, or withhold communication. It just means that no matter what she does and no matter how she responds to you, your toes are still tappin'.

The advice people give to withdraw is to help you to cease pursuit. You don't want to allow your WAW to "cake eat" and enjoy all of your emotional support, while providing none to you. That is a prescription for staying stuck in an unfulfilling, one-sided relationship for YEARS.

If you can have "the attitude", and it can be real, and completely believable, then you can feel free to maintain an active friendship with her, go to family dinners, and you are 100% following DB and furthering your cause, because she will know and believe that you want NOTHING MORE from her than what you are getting.

If you cannot have a friendship and family dinners with her while credibly projecting "the attitude" then you are hurting your cause and should wait until such time as you've processed your feelings more and gotten back on your own two feet.

Once your WAW believes you are detached then you can interact with her however you want, because you are obviously NOT pursuing, you're 100% fine with just a friendship.

Please don't view the DB rules as some kind of high school game -- nothing could be further from the truth. If you want to reconcile your W has to believe you have "dropped the rope" and are no longer pining for them.

In the examples you cite of your friends who separated and then reunited, those men may have DB'd naturally without ever knowing about this site. When their WAW said they wanted to leave they may have smiled and said "I understand, whatever you feel you need to do" and then proceeded with their life. To you it may have looked like they didn't DB at all, but if they had "the attitude", then they were DB'ing like a champ without knowing it.

You're doing fine. This isn't an either/or. You find your way the best that you can. When you got here you 100% rejected that giving space was a good idea and were convinced that you needed to pursue to "prove" to your wife that you loved her. You seem to now believe that was not a good idea. Keep living and learning, you'll find your way like we all do.

Acc