Back on these forums again

[Mona52]

V thank you! Gmum, I am more than ready for a drink, but it better be one very large glass

I started today finally ready to dig down and look at my spending for take out food face to face. I figured I would look at exactly what I am spending now so i can plan how to make it better.

It really is not as bad as I thought it would be. In the past 3 weeks, me and the kids have gotten food outside of the grocery store 9 times. That number was outrageously high when I first saw it, but then I looked closer. the 4 of us have only spent $110.51 total, and 2 of those charges were at restaurants, where we sat and ate. It averages to less than 2 bux per person, per visit except for the restaurants.

Sure, the number would be better if it was zero, but I cannot cry over that. I will add it all again on November 10th and see if I can get that number down to $75.00.

Instead of asking my mother for help I wrote some articles and earned a bit of money from them. But I am running out of hours in a day so that income source is not sustainable. But I only need it float me through until the support kicks in.

I am finding it completely impossible to focus today. After the great weekend I had, I crashed into a depression yesterday. I am still trying to shake it off and get back to normal today.

Every time I laughed over the weekend it felt weird. Like something was missing, and I know what that something was.

I was reading about dealing with insecurities the other night. They say that people who reconcile their marriages struggle with insecurities. I wanted to know if I was only hanging on because I am insecure. I am not trying to sound vain when I say any of this, I am really trying to unravel my own mind, but I do not think I am very insecure.

I am very introverted. I do not like attention or people looking at me. But I do not feel I am ugly. When I was asked to dance by the men at the bar and my friend's house this weekend I was not shocked, I kinda felt "of course they want to dance with you" When I got complements from the ladies I agreed with them. And I loved it when my husband looked at me.

So I am gonna throw insecure out the window. So why am I holding on to this M so tightly? I would love more than anything to be able to just drop it and walk away. Other people do it every day. I am not jumping back on the fence. I made my decision to try until 3/21/17, I am just trying to figure it out, because I am very sad and I want the pain to subside for a little bit so I can breath.

There is no one I can actually talk to to help me. They all are very clear that I should move on. They are not wrong, but I do not think they are right either.

I am not sure why I am in pain because I have zero to report . No contact other than that one text that he declined and I was already feeling sad before I sent that.

Ok, time to visit other threads and get ready for the doctor! Other than that I am gonna take it easy today.