Hello there. You don't know me, but I know many of you and your sitch's. I've laughed with you, cried with you, and held out hope with you. I wanted to start off my first thread with a heartfelt thank you for sharing your journey's with me and the rest of the DBers. I've been lurking this site for 2 months and have been DBing while physically separated for 4 months. Tonight, my husband told me he's ready to start seeing other people and I'm just crushed. I've never worked harder on anything to try to make this work.... never... and yet...we're moving further away instead of closer. I'm just devastated (and yeah- I know the point of the journey is to work on myself..which I have been doing, but I prayed and prayed that it would spill over to my husband and he could see potential in our M)
Here's my deal- married 5 years, together 10. I'm in my early 30's and H is in his mid 40's (yup big difference). No kids, no legal filings done, yet. Last year was incredibly tough and our marriage suffered. I started a new career, so did he... we just grew distant and when things eroded to the point where we couldnt even have a conversation with eachother things got a little hasty- H threw ultimatums and I completely withdrew. In Jan of this year, we went to a therapist and that made things worse (duh!). In March, I told him I loved him and missed him and really wanted to work on our M., to which he replied- ILYBINILWY. That's when things really got bad. I did EVERYTHING wrong- cried, begged, pleaded, etc. In June- I moved out to give him the space that he needed to figure things out. I didn't want to, but felt like I needed to respect his wishes because I would do ANYTHING to try and make it work. The night before I moved out, I received my copy of DR and have been following it to a T ever since.
During the last 4 months, we've had no contact except for when we transfer the dog and each time has been cordial. Tonight he called me to tell me he's ready to date other people so he can move on.
Welp, that's it in a nutshell....What do I do now? Let him date? Tell him I can't be in an open marriage? I just feel so defeated.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hello there, I haven't done a good job getting into the swing of posting here, but I'd like to ask some advice about Facebook.
H and I are still "friends" and listed as Married on FB. We have many mutual friends and relatives. If he's getting ready to date (see my first post above) I know I don't want to see it as I am still very firmly attached. I am seriously considering suspending my account so I can just fully remove myself from the environment and not have to worry about gettin any glimpses of him out with ow.
On that same token, my db coach said that I could use FB as a platform to show how much I am GALing and may make him wonder.
I'm just not sure what to do--- maybe going completely dark via FB could cause him to wonder about what I'm doing, too.
Any advice? Also if it helps, I think he's falling deeper into a MLC. So I don't know if that should affect my approach. I suspected it before, but it's becoming more prevalent the longer we are separated. I'm starting to realize that I'm not the problem anymore (and have been working diligently to ensure I changed the things that needed changing) but I see him still all over the place in terms of what he wants, needs, etc.
Lastly, I'm doing this all on a mobile device and can't figure out how to create and attach the signature line. I may need guidance on that, too. .
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Unfollow him. You'll still be "friends" but his posts won't show up in your feed.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
You can block him on Facebook, that way you won't see him. He won't see you either, but his friends and family will see your GAL'ing activities and probably mention it to him. I personally think I'd either just block him or deactivate my account and forget about GAL'ing to get his attention, but instead focusing on GAL'ing for your own sake. Do it for yourself. Pursue your own interests, what is going to make you happy, or at least distracted enough from your current problems to maintain your sanity. Whatever can get you through the day, whatever can keep you interested in life and not falling into too deep of despair. As you feel stronger and more detached you can change your plan, but right now you need to get through each day with as much self care as possible.
Feyth, sorry you have found yoursef in DB land. I am glad that you have decided to post so you can get more direct feedback based on your sitch. There are some really great people on here.
Can you start my telling us more about why your H wants to leave your M?
To add a signature, go to My Stuff at the top. You can find the signature section in there.
My advice for now is to read through all of the links that academy gave you, post on your thread often, and engage in other threads. It might take a bit for others to start posting.
I am in a similar sitch as you in that we do not have kids, but a fur baby. I do wonder what the R stats are for people without kids. It seems like it makes it an easier decision to walk away.
I guess I would do what your DB coach advises for FB. My H is not really active on FB, but I know his parents did mention stuff to him. His really can't post stuff about OW because they work together and are in positions they technically would not permit this. I think you can set it to hide his posts so that you would have to actually go to his profile to see anything,
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Thanks all- Pho- I think you are right. What's best for me is probably just suspending FB completely. At least then, I become a mystery, too. It's been really hard to stumble across pics of our mutual friends having bbqs and other parties in my backyard.
Bt-to answer your question as to why he doesn't want to work on the marriage- he doesn't love me, we're not compatible, there have been too many red flags. Truth is, he sees me as being selfish. He feels he has done nothing but support me this entire time and I haven't done enough to reciprocate. He supported me while working on my undergrad, grad, and career endeavors. I truthfully didn't see it as a big deal bc that's what people in their early 20's do. The last few years we talked about having kids, but I needed just a little more time to reach my career goal. Well, I made that goal and now I'm ready to have kids my biological clock has started ticking and h feels it's too late. Yes, he is older, but I truly never once felt the difference. In addition to this, he started seeing an IC last year and she diagnosed him with death anxiety. He was having a lot of struggles dealing with life and unresolved issues from his childhood. These were things he was going through but he never wanted to share with me. I get it- we majorly disconnected and failed eachother, but I just can't throw in the towel after 5 years of marriage.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
You can block him on Facebook, that way you won't see him. He won't see you either, but his friends and family will see your GAL'ing activities and probably mention it to him. I personally think I'd either just block him or deactivate my account and forget about GAL'ing to get his attention, but instead focusing on GAL'ing for your own sake. Do it for yourself. Pursue your own interests, what is going to make you happy, or at least distracted enough from your current problems to maintain your sanity. Whatever can get you through the day, whatever can keep you interested in life and not falling into too deep of despair. As you feel stronger and more detached you can change your plan, but right now you need to get through each day with as much self care as possible.
I dont think you need to go so far as to block him. Why create drama thats not needed? I would just unfollow him ad anyone that may trigger you - his parents, his close friends. Then you still show as "friends", he wont be the wiser, and you wont have to see things that will hurt you. Plus, he can still see all of your posts.
OMG- Sandi wrote on my thread! I am in the presence of greatness and wisdom! After lurking here for several months, I have learned to truly value your insight.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
What do I do now? Let him date?
"Let" him date?
I get why you are questioning my question, but I'm wondering how I respond to it. Believe none of what he says, 50% of what he does? Set boundaries? Completely and utterly not give a crap and accept that I am currently in an open marriage (even though we are only connected by that marriage cert)?
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
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