Hope this finds you all well. Things have been a bit ‘off’ lately, I would not say the W and I are ‘fighting’ but there has been some tension as it seems she continues to sort things out. As for me, I have been continuing on my goals, adding a few along the way. I think for now the “Piecing” is on hold … W has told me a couple times over the course of this past week that while she feels there were some good things about Retrouvaille … there are other things she just does not think work … this is mainly the ‘homework’ which is basically 2 10 minutes sessions … something we have lost steam and I have not brought up after several attempts I figure she is sorting out herself and no sense trying to work on the M single handedly.
Last night we talked … was calm .. but she mentioned a few things that I know I have read here and elsewhere. “You deserve better “I’m no good” “I am just not feeling anything” type stuff. She has told me she does not know how to love as she never witnessed it in her childhood, shared she has only seen her parents kiss twice in her entire life. We have had a couple discussions about how maybe it was to soon for me to move in (I agree with this … was just bad timing honestly with the lease coming up and the fact she really at the time seemed like she needed to know I was not gone … as I was very close to this) We touched on how I do not feel comfortable there .. its not home, its not to me anyways… I have less anxiety about the place and stopped referring to it as the OM-lovenest in my head… but its not Home, I have about 3-4’ closet space and 3 drawers in the dresser … along with having my culinary stuff somewhat there. During these talks I have STFU for the most part … validated.
She seemed pretty depressed last night, telling me she did not want to hurt me, I deserved better, she cheated on me, hurt me, has been working hard on the R with S but she failed me miserably as a W. For the most part I listened … there were times I did get frustrated thinking how I was OK with things and ready to move on and she sucked me back in and here I am 7 months later thinking about where I am going to live. I did not voice this but its been there like an elephant in the room. She mentioned last night she is still holding back as she is not sure if I am the person she is supposed to spend the rest of her life with … how sexually she can not get past the wall to open up .. how I deserve to be satisfied ‘with someone’ type talk.
After one of these episodes the next morning she is typically happier and I will get a hug and good morning type greeting like nothing ever happened. I have been keeping to myself for the most part …. Realizing she is still baking, processing, and figuring things out … last week she said in one breathe she wishes she could run away and fix herself and come back, then the next minute she talks about how I am her rock and she is terrified that I will leave her. I figured out quickly we can not work on the M while she is working on herself … but she is not seeing an IC, she is listening to podcasts constantly … so it feels like she is stuck a bit. She admitted last week she has a lot of issues, but she runs from them … the current retreat for her seems to be the new computer along with the photography software, this is her life ambition .. which has been off and on over the past several years.
Some things of interest … last week after one of the fall-outs … a spew session of hers that I simply weathered for a bit then told her I had enough/ would not be talked to-treated that way …. She went out the next day and bought these little ice-cream bars that we used to enjoy while we were dating .. I am talking 20 years ago. She also has mentioned her pursuit of the photography thing has been fueled by her grandmother (She has been bed ridden for a few years) …. I think BIL in prison and his “Live life to the fullest” signatures on his letter is also adding to this. She also seems to have cut ties with a ‘friend’ who was made during the crisis .. I have read this happens often.
Whatever is going on , feels like she wants me there but doesn’t, there is definitely some intimacy issues .. but even more .. the daily texting is way down along with the calls, even her grabbing my hand and the ILY’s seem to have tapered off … possibly she is crawling back in the tunnel a bit I am not sure. … I have taken S on the weekends doing things with him while she goes off on her photo-journeys/classes/whatnots …. Could be an OM but I really do not think so nor do I think about it till I write these posts .. seems more about her still running a bit from the issues, or maybe she is addressing them internally .. no idea MINDREADING at best on my part. I am not sure what to do … which direction to take but just continue doing what I am doing and being as patient as I can till she comes out of this.
As for me, I realize my PMA is not 100% nor even 85% most the time .. I try but certain things have me thinking, do I really want this .. where does that leave me, and S in all this .. can I really accept W post MLC and all she brings with it .. there is definitely some serious selfishness still, along with the past resentments she holds and is always quick to bring up when she needs ammo …. Though I am not allowed to use the same engagement tactics … nor will I , I have grown from that .. that was old Cali. I do however see how we drifted apart, and I am not sure how to stop this from happening again .. seems I learned my lesson and have grown, she has not had that chance yet.
