Zephyr, sorry things are going the way they are for you, I know how much you want things to work out. Reading this thread really makes me understand now how similiar our W's are. Everything you wrote could have been said about my W.
I had a similiar talk with my W before BD and she became angry with me that I was trying to stop her from having male friends. That it was nothing more than a really good friend (AFTER she told me she was fantasizing about him only a couple weeks before) but those feeling were gone and never to return. I explained to her how inappropriate her conversations and closeness were with OM and she just didn't see it. I'm not even sure she sees it now because she has justified their relationship (even thought she still tells me nothing happened between them) as having nothing to do with us separating. She didn't see how she was never getting her emotional needs met by me (combination of me and her problems) etc, etc, etc.
I feel for you, I know how difficult it must be to have changed yourself this much while she was still in the M and she refuses to change or even see what she needs to change. I think my W is in the same boat with not knowing what to change or putting in the effort to change. I did see a glimmer of hope she might be beginning to see her role in things when she told me "i put up walls so you wouldn't hurt me and never let you in like I should have" but it might not mean anything also. The path were on is difficult and long but I believe we will be OK in the end. Who/when/where are the more difficult parts that are yet to be determined.
Wish I could give you some solid advice on what to do next, stay strong.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
