Still Struggling with a plan!

[hopeOK]

So now the real struggle I feel is bringing my H along w/ me. We had a rough start to the weekend... not because of anything that I was suffering through but what he was going through.

Friday we were going to a co-op in the afternoon and it just so happened that we drove by H's work to get there. Totally not checking up but I admit to looking to the right to see his car & such. Then as I was doing this, I see him walking into the building. I really wasn't worried about it... there could be many reasons he would go out to his car... wasn't a big deal. But I thought- I'll call him & tell him that we saw him. Well he didn't answer. So as I was pumping gas, I texted him & told him that we'd seen him while driving by. I was thinking that he was in a meeting (I knew he had an afternoon full of interviews) & that he'd see it later. He then calls & quickly tells me that someone lost their diamond out of their ring & he went out to the car to get a flashlight to help them in their search. Then he had to go to get into his interview.

Well, we arrive at co-op & are being shown where to go when he calls. I can't answer & then he texts "check your email". I look and there are weird schedule email forwards. Then I call him back & he says for me to check my email. I ask him what it was about & he said, "so you know where I was." I tell him I wasn't worried about it.

Then at home that evening he is distant. I can tell he is upset. I ask him. He tells me that this whole thing (with me calling & then texting) sent him into a panic where his heart was beating fast & he felt like he was in trouble and he had to prove to me that he wasn't doing anything. I told him I wasn't at any point worried, I was letting go of all that & doing much better. I then shared some things that I had been working on... things I had heard from Brene Brown & was really helping.

Well then later he is still acting weird & he decides to go to bed when the kids do instead of watching the movie we rented for us. When I said- "so we're not watching the movie tonight?" he says, "I guess not." Then he goes to lay down w/ Jackson. At that point I say, "can I talk to you real quick?" & lead him downstairs.

We have another talk where I ask him what is up. He says he just doesn't believe that I wasn't upset and that the really doesn't like what happened. I again reiterate that I was never upset, had a good day, wasn't worried, just called to try & catch him before he went into the meeting & then texted so he'd know why I called (his vm is not set up currently). I had not panicked. I ask him to stop punishing me. He says ok. then goes to bed.

The next day he isn't quite as grumpy/moody/distant but still not 100%. When I hold his hand he just lightly puts his hand on mine. By the afternoon I say something again. He says that it takes him awhile to get through these thoughts. When he has those bad feelings (as he did when he felt he was in trouble) it brings up all the other bad feelings... like about what I called him, about what i thought he did bad w/ our son, etc. and he has a hard time getting out of that. He also said that he didn't know how he could believe I really wanted him when I'd acted like I had for so many years.

I told him I understood. I've been there. I totally get it. But we need to work together to get through this. I told him it was so hard for me to continue to reach out to him when i felt like he was pulling away. But that I was doing it b/c I wanted us to work out. I was risking that vulnerability b/c I wanted to work through all this. It would be so much easier to just say, "f@$% it" & distance from him. To do as I am used to and go off & be mad & give up. But b/c I do want him & I do want us to work out, I am reaching out to him when he his hurting and trying to reassure him.

By that evening I think things started to get better. Although he did tell me that talking about it doesn't help... it just keeps him in those thoughts longer. I don't know. I kind of think that you have to get all that out to work through it. But he thinks he needs to work to push it aside on his own. I'm not sure how I can help him through this pain that i have caused him... I want to share what I have learned that has helped me but I don't want to come across as preachy or a teacher (as I have in the past & he hates that). So I just am stuck & sometimes feel (when he is going through this stuff) like it is hopeless... he will always carry these resentments and I will continually have to try and convince him that I didn't mean it when I said those things & I do think he is a good person/Dad.

Ugh. So any advice for helping your partner get through their betrayed trust & hurt feelings?