Still riding the waves

[kml]

You know, rather than just going with whose day holidays fall on, I'd suggest discussing a regular holiday schedule, as you may be setting a precedent.

Initially, my ex and I split Thanksgiving: the kids would have dinner with me and then go to Hs house for dessert. (Actually, the first year, the ex asked....through the kids....if he could come for dinner at my mom's house. Ummm....hell no was the answer.)

Later I moved 45 mins away and driving on Thanksgiving is a hassle, so ex and I split the holidays this way: we alternate years on Thanksgiving, and alternate Xmas eve or Xmas day.

[CaliGuy]

M
I agree with kml... My BD was Sep13, that first thanksgiving I did solo, let her have S ... Christmas was the fake family sort (hated that) the following year all the ups and downs I wanted off the ride so we agreed he would go up north with her and her family ... I planned a nice dinner just he and I when they got back, she pushed and tried to invite me but I was done and ready to move on with wherever this thing was going to go... She ended up canceling plans and let me know they both would be local. I very easily could have invited her... Again... That rope was dropped, I arrived and picked S up and she continues to give me this look waiting for me to invite her along, even asked if I cooked a few of my signature dishes and how she missed them. I recall this so vividly ... But she chose her new life and I was clearly choosing mine.

I share this M because looking back, that day (she later in the year confessed she spent Thanksgivings alone on the beach) along with two others ... One day she was sick and begged for me to help her, bring her soup( I informed her OM would be filling these needs not me... Being fired and all) along with the Christmas I refused to go in halves on gifts nor did we spend it together ( she got S Christmas Eve and I took him Christmas Day) this drove home that I was cutting ties and I truly feel was a very traumatic event for her .... It did take 3-4 more months for her to approach me and tell me she wanted the M... And here almost a year later she is still processing through her issues ... No where near fully baked yet

I do think... And always have in your ditch that he will need to feel loss , not that you want to do it to get a response ... But seems like me you are tired of this ride you've been so patient about being on it in fact has you stuck along with him and I think you finally see that now. It's hard... But seems you've found your footing and strength to do what you need to do for yourself and your S

[mleigh4]

You guys have given me great advice! Thank you so much.

Kml I love the idea of approaching the discussion on splitting holidays. It is certainly time, I believe S will be ok with this and I believe I am strong enough to do it and actually still enjoy my day.

Cali you read my mind. I clearly remember you putting your foot down about the holidays, I just couldn't remember the details.

Sotto, I will throw in your advice too. I know H will ask why we can't spend them all together. He may even throw in some guilt about doing that to S. I will be ready to respond that since we are separated, holidays together don't work well for me.

I feel a huge relief, I will let it all sink in...it's unfortunate, but seems the best thing to do under the circumstances.

[mleigh4]

I am EXHAUSTED!

Had our Halloween party last night. 7 crazy boys running around my house shooting Nerf guns and having pillow fights. Thank goodness only 1 slept over. Once the house got quiet about 10, I sat on the couch, had a little wine and passed out!

1 of the dad's had stayed to help. He kept asking questions about my marital situation, I let him know we were separated, but not much more. I honestly had no desire to talk about H or my marriage, but he just kept bringing it up, talked about his divorce 5 years ago that he is clearly not over. Kept saying the grass isn't greener, it's not fun "out there", that my H better wake up, etc.....all I could tell him was that it's never too late to go back, that it may be worth a shot?

H had texted before the party at about 4:00 asking what time the party started, first contact since Monday. I told him 6. Not sure why he wanted to know, he never showed up! Not sure if he was waiting for a formal invite?

H texted about 10:30 that night asking how the party went. I did not respond. That was a first for me, a little harder than I thought it would be, but I got over it quickly.

I have been doing a lot of thinking. I feel on Monday I had an awakening of sorts. All of a sudden I can clearly see that this situation is not changing anytime soon. It's funny, I really thought I was already there, I really did, but clearly I wasn't. I get this sense that I need to keep moving. Living separate lives and only spending special occasions together is not working for me. It has all become so CLEAR to me. A true internal awakening.

So this morning H texts again asking about the party and asks if he can have son today since I had him on his scheduled night last night. I responded this time about the party, that it was crazy but one of the dad's stayed to help out. I told him absolutely fine to have S, (I think I NEED the break!) I also threw in that it's time to start thinking of how we will split up the holidays as they are fast approaching. It's out there! I did it!

H replied he will head over to pick up S, but said nothing about the holidays.

While here, he said his dad was heading over to borrow his key to the lake house. FIL has a house on the lake a couple hours away. I guess MIL and her sister are going to use the house for a weekend get away. I wonder how MIL husband feels about that? Anyway, it reminded me that I have a key to the house myself. So I told H, I really should give that back to your dad because I don't need that anymore. H said, don't you ever want to go? I answered, not really. I didn't say this, but that house holds way too many memories for me, we spent a couple of summers there before BD happened. I went shortly after BD with a girlfriend to "get away", suggested by FIL, and it was terrible. Too hard to go there. Anyway, I couldn't figure out which key it was, it used to be marked, so I told H that I will let his dad know I will get that back to him. H was quiet.

So, looks to be a quiet day for me. I need to run to Costco to get dog food, and grab dog from H later (they wanted her for the day), but otherwise I am couch bound!

Oh, I also finally struck up the nerve to start a conversation with house buyer at school drop off! I am shy so it wasn't easy, but he is just so darn adorable. He is all smiles and so friendly! We chatted until the bell rang. Can never have too many friends, right?

[job]

I'm so happy to read that the party was a huge success. Your h was curious about the party and who knows...maybe he wanted an invitation to come. LOL! I wonder which mask he would have worn.

I'm sure the one father was curious about your situation, since he's gone thru his own divorce. It's okay that you didn't share much w/him...he doesn't need to know all of your business or that of your h's.

I'm very proud of you for not responding back last time to your h. I'm also proud of you that you've put it out there about the holidays and the key to the lake house. It's definitely sending messages to your h that you are moving on in little steps.

As you continue to walk the path, you will move at your own pace and when you do have those light bulb moments, you will step back and say "now I see". It all takes time. Don't rush the process.

I hope that you are able to get some rest this evening and will be up and ready to go tomorrow. It's a new week!

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh- glad to hear your party went well! I am sure the kids had a blast.

Sounds like you are comfortably making some changes that are right for you.
Nice job taking care of you!

[mleigh4]

Hello and happy Saturday. Not much to update, it has been VERY quiet...

Last Sunday, H had taken S and dog. I was going to pick up dog that night...but by evening I just had NO desire to even contact H or to go near his place. I decided dog was fine and if anything, I would just get her the following evening when I dropped off S with him.

That next morning I was at work, H TM me that he was dropping off dog at house. Was nice to see him handle it on his own. She has been staying inside since the whole mountain lion issue, so I was a little uncomfortable knowing H was in the house alone but hoped for the best. I hid the liquid plumber so I knew that was safe!!!

That day I emailed FIL that I needed to return his lake house key. He asked why, had hoped I would still use it. So I was honest, told him that I truly appreciated that he left that option open to me, but that there were too many memories there, the last not being very good, and that I did not see myself going there anytime soon. (I have even asked S about going to lake house several times and he doesn't like going either) He said he understood. Snip, another tie cut.

That night I drove S to H and promised myself to not even look around his place, to just stay tunnel vision and get away quickly. I gave H the lake house key. Got S and his things out, ready to go and H walks around to my side of my truck, I got the feeling he was going to say something to me. All of a sudden a bunch of geese go flying over, really loud. We watched and laughed, I kissed S good bye, closed my truck door and left.

No contact with H since then. I feel like I am finally facing the acceptance that he is never coming back, and I am living my life that way. Our friends are using some space in the garage for storage while new house is being built, (friends are H and W, and H was a good friend of H who got dropped in this mess. Still, I was surprised they asked to store stuff here instead of in H massive barn, made me feel good) S was sent home with a notice that he may have been exposed to strep throat, (I left notice in folder for H to see) his teacher sent home some homework answer keys on H night with S in his homework folder....all things this week that I would normally reach out and touch base with H about. Funny thing is, I have no desire or need to. I have learned this is MY space now and how to coordinate with S and teacher without H in the mix. I truly feel on my own.

Know what? I don't feel scared about that anymore! I find myself feeling strong, with high PMA. I feel the possibilities ahead of me are endless. My good friends just moved into town, one of my best friends now lives down the street instead of 30 miles away, so I am excited about that.

Life is good, I am blessed with a beautiful home, a job I enjoy, good friends and an amazing son. Sadly, H is not a part of my life, I feel I have reached a phase where I only see H as a coparent now, with minimal contact only, and I am ok with that.

Getting house ready for new carpet on Thursday! Otherwise, having a nice, quiet mellow weekend with S

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh- good to hear from you. I was worried if you recovered fully from the Nerf gun war! Lol!

Those are some big changes. Has your H realized you have your own Costco card yet?

As for wanting to avoid seeing his place, I completely understand that. I would want to complete dropoff where the street meets the driveway.

That is so wonderful that your friend is moving so close.

Keep up the great work!

[mleigh4]

Hi Hawho, no, H has not asked if I need anything from Costco yet. It's killing me, I am waiting for it!! Lol. I wonder if he saw the "welcome to Costco membership!" email on the joint email account he says he never checks. Who knows.

His side of the garage is full of stuff, no truck parking in there anytime soon! Also, I still take him a handful of mail every week. He has never changed his address for his credit card, bank statements and truck payment. Shows how far I have come, I never peek, just don't care to.

So yes, lots of changes, especially in me. I swear, something happened that day with the go kart, I believe I completely dropped the rope that day...I have been thinking lately, was that it? That's the end?? That is our story, done?? So sad....we could be so much more, I have no doubt. But it takes two....

[job]

You are making great strides in detaching and living your life for you and your son.

Your story isn't done yet. There are many things that can change the course that both of you are on. It's still early in his crisis and no one knows what the future holds. As you grow and the days go by, you'll discover that you are just fine on your own and you'll begin to write a new chapter in your book of life. It's okay to think of the past, but don't stay there too long. The future isn't ours to see just yet...but the present is a gift...use it wisely and you'll be just fine.

You are doing great!