Well, here we go. As I have been lurking this forum (which has truly been a saving grace) over the last 3 months, it is time to join. As such, I have read DR, routinely review Sandi's rules, and do my best in practicing DB principles daily.
My W and I met when we were young and grew up together in same neighbourhood (I was 9 she was 6). We started dating after I started attending university. We lived together for 4 years and decided to get married. First 3 years of marriage were generally great (of course with ups and downs), and then an opportunity to move to a different country came up and we jumped. First 2-3 years were great as we settled, and then S was born. With just W and I in new country, we started to disconnect gradually. I realize now I withdrew from her emotionally as came home from work and would still be thinking of work and on my phone, not paying attention to her, etc. W went back to work after S birth in Feb 2015. I could sense something was off by April when things seemed different in our interaction (she would avoid any affection from me with an excuse). May 2015 came the BD and I was devastated. She said she needed space and time to think things through. I pleaded and begged the first week saying I would change and we could fix things. Sadly, this had pushed her away further. She kept mentioning things about OM (just a friend; more like a brother) so I got curious. She would go out and leave S with my saying just having lunch with OM. I confronted her and said sounds like at least an EA. She denied of course. early June I do some snooping and find the text messages I needed. I didn't show her the text messages I found, but I asked her again and she finally confessed the relationship. From there she would start to stay at his place most nights.
From this point on I was a wreck. But by mid June (about 3 weeks from BD) I started to focus on myself. I pulled away from W and realized the effect it had on her as she stopped running away and started talking more to me.
I'll fill in more details over the next several posts, but the above is the condensed history. Out of everything S is the best thing to happen out of our relationship and he helps pick me up and bring any strength I have out.
I very much value all the advice I've been reading through on other sitches. Thanks you for taking the time to listen.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
While the last 4 months have been a roller coaster, I've come to learn much about myself and the journey I need to continue. Since I've begun to focus more on myself and where I need to grow, I've felt better. The real complaints which I own and will work on for future (and valid on ww part): - I was not there to emotionally support ww since S2 was born. - I have been negative and down (looking depressed) when around the family at home. - I didn’t really interact nor play with S2 that often. - I sat on the couch weeknights and watched T.V., was on my phone playing games, and not communicating or listening to ww. - No physical affection towards ww of any sort, and when I did try, I acted awkwardly. - WW often complained I never initiated sex which I often shrugged off. - I never interacted with friends nor was I social in any aspect of my life. - I did not take charge of my life as my self-esteem and confidence were low.
As I have taken stock of ww complaints and introspection on myself, I have sought IC which has helped and am pushing myself further out of my comfort zone. I spend more quality time with S2 which has really helped as we grow closer. I want that to continue and become a better dad.
While ww has moved in with OM, I keep contact with her strictly about S2 or financial matters. All our financials have been separated for 3 months now as I clearly and calmly told her I would not support her lifestyle and will only provide for family related costs.
I have read DR.
Will continue to move forward and post some more.
Last edited by Cristy; 11/17/1509:46 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books/authors
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Ugh. This all sounds so similar to my own situation. Im sorry Enigma. Keep your chin up.
What is the status of your R now. Is she filing for divorce? Is there a legal separation in place? How are you handling custody? Is S2 staying with them sometimes?
We are just separated right now. Considering we are both on work visas here (well she is attached to my work visa), any divorce as final would send her back home thus she is holding steady for now. No legal separation unfortunately (which I should probably go back to my atty for advice there) and she is handling her own finances with OM not asking me for a dime. I have kept the marital home.
Custody has been tough for me as I learn to have S2 50% of the time. We split every other weekend and every other day during week. The exchange takes place at his daycare so I don't interact with her. The only communication we have since she left end September is via text.
Going back to D, when WW was moving out I calmly asked her what next? I said I wanted to move forward and she already knows I will not live in an open marriage (I previously had that conversation with her; along with telling her we will not be friends through this all considering friends don't do this to each other). I told her D isn't what I wanted but still need to move forward. She responded by saying "well let's wait a year and see what happens". I made the mistake not responding to this... She has clearly chosen a life with OM.
Overall I feel better with little contact other than S2 and financial matters. Ugh.. although I still have triggers that make me angry and upset. At least the lows are not as long nor as bad as they were in recent months.
Anyways, time to keep with GAL and try to continue to detach from situation as best I can.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
I came home from a trip visiting family(just S2 and I) about3 months ago, while ww was still living in our home. I know she had OM over during that week I was gone. I got very angry inside and calmly told her what she has done is disrespectful and if we go through divorce we will no longer be friends because friends don't disrespect each other this way. She just stood there and said I was punishing her. I said I'm sorry she felt that way but this was a personal boundary of mine and she was free to do her thing but I would not be friends with her as my choice. She got quiet, did her teenage sulk (ear buds in) and on her phone texting (I assume OM). This was for 3 days.
Since then, she's been less of her teenage / rebellious self and more respectful and nice around me when we interact. I have also felt stronger and more confident with myself since then. Did this impact her? Should I care as just focus on me not overthinking this? Don't know... but I know I felt much better. I'm still amazed she hasn't reacted negatively to me since then and no spewing from her. Then again maybe she's happy with her life and OM being her soul mate now considering they've moved in together.
Just little observations. Since she's moved out almost a month, we've not seen each other nor spoken over the phone. Just simple text messages (all friendly and cordial from both sides). Just [censored] as it appears she's moved on and I am too.
Well going on a trip to visit a college buddy for a week so that will be fun! Will miss my S2 greatly (had tears today when I saw another dad and his young boy together). I have to accept this new life and understand our family will never be whole the way it was..... will just be different.
Time to go back to work now!
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
Well came back from an amazing trip reconnecting with a good friend I hadn't seen in 10 years. My mind was able to stay clear but a few texts from W brought me back to reality. As she was watching our dog and cat, told me that dog wasn't doing well at her place and asked to visit our home to take care of our dog twice a day.
From communication that has been minimal for one month and only via text, I feel down when she initiates texts ( usually about our son or animals ). When she sent pics of our son I could see OM beside my son to the side and anger and sadness flooded. It got to me for couple days then felt better.
My good friend I visited made me feel better empathize get through a personal similar story to him. But now that I'm home hitting some low points. Now to spend some quality time with S2 as he lifts my spirits.
I just wonder as W has moved on at what point I really move forward. I've given myself timeline Jan 2016 to decide as I focus on myself and time with S2. W seems happy, is a good mom since she is past her rebellious phase, so steady as she goes. I feel better with less communication with her, but still think and dream of her often. I know this will pass and at least my downs don't last as long. This is a journey and a tough one at that.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
It sounds as if you are doing well. In fact, better than most, at this stage in their sitch.
Quote:
Since then, she's been less of her teenage / rebellious self and more respectful and nice around me when we interact. I have also felt stronger and more confident with myself since then. Did this impact her? Should I care as just focus on me not overthinking this? Don't know... but I know I felt much better. I'm still amazed she hasn't reacted negatively to me since then and no spewing from her
I applaude you for standing your ground on the friends subject. Most WW's (including myself) take for granted the LBH would be grateful if she wanted to have him as her friend. So, I think her seeing you stand tall and display self-respect, was attractive, although she probably would not say it. The more a WW disrespect the LBH, the worse her behavior.
I think it probably had some impact, but not negative. She will test you, so beware. Should you care? Why? The more you protect her from the reality her waywardness has caused......the worse things will be for both of you.
It seems the majority of men here are nice-guy types. Do you see yourself as being passive during your M?
Quote:
As she was watching our dog and cat, told me that dog wasn't doing well at her place and asked to visit our home to take care of our dog twice
Oh no, do not agree to her coming in and out of your home. She is living with the OM. I'd dare say there is another reason behind it, b/c the WW is usually extremely manipulative and selfish with EVERYTHING connected to the LBH.
"When she sent pics of our son I could see OM beside my son to the side and anger and sadness flooded. It got to me for couple days then felt better". See what I mean?
" I just wonder as W has moved on at what point I really move forward. I've given myself timeline Jan 2016 to decide as I focus on myself and time with S2. W seems happy, is a good mom since she is past her rebellious phase, so steady as she goes".
What makes you think she's past her rebellious stage?
The sooner you move forward, the better. Obviously, you are still emotionally attached, so you may need to come up with a method of less texting. Your WW is wanting the best of both worlds, and that's why she is texting & sending photos of S2. She is keeping you emotionally invested by any means she knows will work. Crazy, I know. You would wonder why, since she is living with OM. It is that part of the WW that makes you wonder about her sanity. She fired you as her H, but she wants you available to her.......in case she needs a Pan B.
" I feel better with less communication with her, but still think and dream of her often. I know this will pass and at least my downs don't last as long. This is a journey and a tough one at that.". Yes it will pass, but until you completely detach, it will continue to be tough.
You know how it feels when we lose a loved one in death. We have to mourn. At some point, we have to move forward b/c life goes on. We don't stop loving that person, or missing them. Depending on the individual, we may need to be proactive in getting stronger by avoiding things we know will cause us to stay in a constant state of mourning. Such as, staying at the cemetery every day, keeping their personal items in view all the time, looking through family albums everyday, etc. Yes, we may need to do those things when we first lose them, but eventually, we have to go forward. Sometimes, we have to force ourselves to continue living, and if that means packing their personal things......then we do it in order to get stronger. Then later, having a picture of them setting out, won't crush us as much as it originally did.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much for taking time responding, I highly value your thoughts having read read through various advice and your awesome threads to support LBH's with WW.
With the "no friends" topic, to be honest, I came home from a week trip out of town with S2 about 4 months ago ( WW was still living here ) and discovered she had OM stay over. She left lingerie out in her room and I was furious. I waited a couple of hours to cool down then confronted her as calm and direct as I could be about her disrespect and no longer wishing to be friends while she was with OM. She asked why I was punishing her but I held she was free to do as she wished outside the home, and this was a personal boundary of mine. I honestly felt a big weight lift from my chest and started to gain strength. Before this, I had been walking on eggshells and feared what I said around her. This discussion freed me and I have felt better about my confidence since. It wasn't easy but I read through yours and Starsky's advice on other threads and it honestly gave me strength ( not knowing whether same advice applied to my sitch, but I was too angry at that point I just acted ).
Thank you for your comments on friends subject and I had seen a change in her behavior since which I will spell out as I respond to rebellious teenage comment. But certainly more respect in our interactions.
She has tried to test me a couple of times talking of her relationship with OM. I simply interrupted her and said don't want to talk about that and only speak around S2, our cat and dog, and logistics. She hasn't mentioned anything else since. But I did cave around her asking to go to house to take care of dog so I need to do better on grounding my boundaries.
I was too passive and walked on eggshells during later years of M. I was indecisive, didn't argue or stand ground on my views, never initiated sex ( which was a big complaint of hers), and was classic fixer type always wanting to take care of her issues and her needs through acts of service ( not her LL). Now I've focused on myself and reconnecting with old friends and making new ones which isn't easy for me as I'm an introvert. But little by little progress is growing my confidence within. I never thought of myself during M and had no friends, just my WW.
You are so right on not agreeing her to come to house as she pleases. I need to think differently there going forward so she doesn't bring out my negative emotions so easily.
I will answer your other questions in next post immediately. Again thank you so much for making me think differently and openly about my S as I should.
Last edited by Cristy; 11/17/1509:54 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books/authors
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
