The thing is, if/when your W comes out of the fog and wants to try again, the M won't be the same. It never will be. I am not saying that it won't work, it just won't be the same - it will be new, different, and stronger. If that makes sense.
Yes, it makes sense. And I held onto that for a long time. There's still a small part of me that somehow wishes it could all work out and we could be a happy family again - the kids would certainly be better off. But I just don't know anymore. I will never be able to look at WW the same again. She has been with at least 3 OM since we were married. That would take a very long time to get over, especially considering that she is the only woman I have ever been with. That was a special bond between us, and it's gone forever.
On top of that, she lied to me about so many things the past few years that my trust is totally shattered. It can slowly be rebuilt but it will never be completely the same again. Even years down the road, somewhere in my mind I would always be wondering if she was being completely honest. At this point, I really don't think I would want to be married to WW again. Maybe live together but I don't think I want legal and financial obligations. The D is going to cost me tens of thousands of dollars, in large part because WW never worked a stable job, in spite of the fact I practically begged her for years to get steady employment. She was too busy out living like a college girl, and now I get the privilege of paying her for the next 7 years the equivalent of a FT, min wage job. I won't be taking that risk again; even if we were to R now, I would require a post-nup to hammer out the details should it not work out.
And one last little update. Got a TM from WW earlier today scolding me for not telling her the younger kids had early release from school last couple days. I had already made arrangements for either myself or S18 to be there so they would not be alone more than a few minutes and I also called to make sure they made it home OK. But WW made a big deal about it. Feel like she's looking for any excuse she can to push for more custody, which is why I didn't tell her in the first place. She would have never found out except S8 called her and mentioned it. Ugh. Guess I have to be extra careful the next few months.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
I spent the morning helping my father-in-law put up a chain link fence. My brother-in-law and nephew were also there. We all went to breakfast, then back to his girlfriend's house to install the fence. Only took about 3 hours and overall enjoyed hanging out with that part of my family again. I had not seen my FIL since Christmas.
We got to talk for a few minutes and he really opened up about his first marriage, and how his own WW at the time left him, only to come back 6 weeks later saying she made a mistake. He refused to take her back. Told her when she left he gave her a month to change her mind and he stuck to it. He later found out she had been seeing his best friend at the time, and later went on to marry the guy. That was marriage #2, which fell apart a few years later and the same lady has since had a 3rd M and D. So my FIL is confident that the problems had nothing to do with him. His W was wayward and never seemed to come out of the fog.
He's a very strong man, and it gives me confidence spending time with him. After his D, he went on to meet WW's mother, and they lasted for 32 years until she passed from cancer. He said in hindsight, he was glad for his D because he felt he then met his true soulmate. He doesn't understand his daughter either, in fact none of her family does. But he is glad I have custody of the kids and encouraged me to move on and make a better life. Like most of us, he thinks WW is very confused and probably has some hard times ahead before she realizes what she gave up.
I am confident that I will continue to be part of that family for the rest of my life. They always tell me I am welcome at every family event. Of course, I have no desire to spend time where OM will be hanging out, but I hope to keep in touch with all of them and do things where WW or OM do not attend.
Last couple of days I have been bouncing around between the usual emotions of sadness, anger, and loneliness. Can never tell what triggers it but I'm still on the ride. I was with my sister last night checking out her new hot tub and we just sat in it for a couple of hours and enjoyed a few drinks. I always feel better after talking with her. Today all the kids are going to visit mom and have dinner, so I'll be alone for a few hours. I hate those times, but will try to make the best of it and accomplish a few things.
After all this time, I'm still not sure what I want to happen. I'm so convinced most days that the D is for the best and I'll be better off, but there are times I just want my W back and my family to be complete again.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
V, you are an angel. I'll take those hugs. Just been a rough day today for some reason. Worst in a while. Maybe seeing WW's family brought up a bunch of old memories. I was happy to spend time with them but guess it had an impact. My father-in-law sent me a TM couple hours ago thanking me again for helping, and once again said I would always be family, and he loved me. I about broke down on the spot. I really do feel like that will always be my family, just as much as my own blood, but I hate that it has to be spending time with them w/o WW.
I just don't see how someone can think that giving up on 24 years together and taking a huge gamble on a guy you've known for a few months is going to make you happier in the long run. But I guess we all know that a WW isn't thinking logically, so there's no need to explain. I just wonder if she'll ever have a day she truly regrets her choices, and even if she does, will she be brave enough to own up to them, and try to work things out? I hate that I'm even thinking this way, as it feels like a setback to months ago. Really hoping to sleep well and wake up tomorrow feeling more detached than ever. Sometimes I don't think the pain is ever going away.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
So I slept OK and am feeling better today. WW sent a quick TM asking if the kids made it to school this morning, and I replied back they did, but otherwise no contact from her since Friday. I think she's under the impression that I hate her, which is of course not true, and she is trying to give me distance. I guess it's a good thing, but sometimes hard not hearing from WW at all or knowing what is going on in her life. I almost broke down earlier and asked about her weekend, but then thought better of it.
WW has finally pulled back and giving me the distance I asked for, so I don't need to open the door back up, which would do nothing but draw me in and cause more pain. I'm sure the drama will be starting back up soon enough anyway, since my attorney has suggested that I dispute the FOC recommendation on support amounts, so when WW hears about it from her attorney I'm sure she won't be happy.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Just spoke with my attorney. We are objecting to the spousal support order. He agreed that there is no reason WW shouldn't be expected to work 40 hours/week, rather than the 25 they used in the calculations. There were a couple of other minor errors as well. So filing the objection this week, then probably another 2-3 weeks before we get to a 2nd hearing. I'm not saying a word to WW about it. She can get the news from her attorney. I don't feel any obligation to be courteous, considering she gave me no heads up at all about filing for D. I know she was happy with these initial numbers, so she'll probably be upset that I'm objecting. Waiting for the flood of TMs in next few days talking about how terrible I am.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Just caught up on your sitch after you were kind enough to post on mine.
It sounds like you are doing wonderful as a dad and I can only hope to strive to do the same if/when D cones my way.
I wish I had advice to give, but at least know you have my support and you will be in my thoughts. I hope things continue to look up for you and only wish you the best my friend.
