Still riding the waves

[mleigh4]

I am EXHAUSTED!

Had our Halloween party last night. 7 crazy boys running around my house shooting Nerf guns and having pillow fights. Thank goodness only 1 slept over. Once the house got quiet about 10, I sat on the couch, had a little wine and passed out!

1 of the dad's had stayed to help. He kept asking questions about my marital situation, I let him know we were separated, but not much more. I honestly had no desire to talk about H or my marriage, but he just kept bringing it up, talked about his divorce 5 years ago that he is clearly not over. Kept saying the grass isn't greener, it's not fun "out there", that my H better wake up, etc.....all I could tell him was that it's never too late to go back, that it may be worth a shot?

H had texted before the party at about 4:00 asking what time the party started, first contact since Monday. I told him 6. Not sure why he wanted to know, he never showed up! Not sure if he was waiting for a formal invite?

H texted about 10:30 that night asking how the party went. I did not respond. That was a first for me, a little harder than I thought it would be, but I got over it quickly.

I have been doing a lot of thinking. I feel on Monday I had an awakening of sorts. All of a sudden I can clearly see that this situation is not changing anytime soon. It's funny, I really thought I was already there, I really did, but clearly I wasn't. I get this sense that I need to keep moving. Living separate lives and only spending special occasions together is not working for me. It has all become so CLEAR to me. A true internal awakening.

So this morning H texts again asking about the party and asks if he can have son today since I had him on his scheduled night last night. I responded this time about the party, that it was crazy but one of the dad's stayed to help out. I told him absolutely fine to have S, (I think I NEED the break!) I also threw in that it's time to start thinking of how we will split up the holidays as they are fast approaching. It's out there! I did it!

H replied he will head over to pick up S, but said nothing about the holidays.

While here, he said his dad was heading over to borrow his key to the lake house. FIL has a house on the lake a couple hours away. I guess MIL and her sister are going to use the house for a weekend get away. I wonder how MIL husband feels about that? Anyway, it reminded me that I have a key to the house myself. So I told H, I really should give that back to your dad because I don't need that anymore. H said, don't you ever want to go? I answered, not really. I didn't say this, but that house holds way too many memories for me, we spent a couple of summers there before BD happened. I went shortly after BD with a girlfriend to "get away", suggested by FIL, and it was terrible. Too hard to go there. Anyway, I couldn't figure out which key it was, it used to be marked, so I told H that I will let his dad know I will get that back to him. H was quiet.

So, looks to be a quiet day for me. I need to run to Costco to get dog food, and grab dog from H later (they wanted her for the day), but otherwise I am couch bound!

Oh, I also finally struck up the nerve to start a conversation with house buyer at school drop off! I am shy so it wasn't easy, but he is just so darn adorable. He is all smiles and so friendly! We chatted until the bell rang. Can never have too many friends, right?