I envy you on that. I bounce between "come back", and "let's get this over already". I think my W feels she has to go through with this. I hope she realizes what she has lost and wants to come back, but who knows.
Anyway, you're kind of a role model for me in this. Thanks, and good luck!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
S19 was here today. He said W called him and asked him to get together. He said he was busy and couldn't talk then (he hasn't been interested in seeing or talking to her).
He asked me what he should tell her. I asked him if that meant he wasn't going to see her right now. He said yes (this kills me...he always hugged and 'loved on' his mama). I asked if he minded telling me why. He said he didn't want to talk about the situation or hear her reasons if that's what she was going to talk about, he was angry at her and hurt. I asked why don't you tell her in advance you don't want to talk about that but still will see her? He said he didn't want to see her. Again, breaks my heart.
I said in that case you should be honest, loving, kind, and respectful because she is your mom. You could say something like, "I don't want to right now and need some time. I will let you know."
I have no idea if that was a good way to handle this or not. Or if I didn't do/say something I should've.
At 19 years old I would say let him make his own decisions. If he wants your advice, give it to him but don't push him to do something he is not comfortable with. These situations devastate kids at any age and it's part of the consequences your W needs to face. Maybe the loss of time with her son will help her realize what she is giving up.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
I agree with dwh that your son is old enough to make up his own mind. It's good to let your S know how to react in a calm and non-reactive manner to his mother, even when he's feeling hurt. You were probing, but not pushy. I am sure that your son appreciated your concern and your feedback, and that you didn't brush him off or tell him what to do.
It hurts doesn't it, when we see our kids hurt?
But I guess your S needs time and space to process all these new developments.
Like what dwh said, this time and space away from your W may be what she needs to see what it is that she will lose if she walks away from the family.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Yes Grl experiencing that with the kids is a hard thing...even worse that she doesn't see it as a big deal. But I'm learning not to focus on my disgust or disbelief in what she says or does.
Out of my hands for the most part since very little communication.
Frankly, I don't think she sees it as a loss. She sees it as her doing everyone a favor because she's been projecting her own unhappiness onto everyone else. I don't see that fog lifting, and according to her, her therapist has supposedly told her that she doesn't think there's any way for the M to get better and so agrees with W. Whether that's accurate or not I don't know.
She seems to be thinking that she's doing us all a favor and everything will be find once she rips the band-aid off as quickly as possible so that we can all get over the sting and move on. And in doing so she is once again acting completely contrary to every value she has always said she upholds, and acting in total contradiction to her faith.
And she's got a lot of friends who've done similar things, and a therapist to rubber stamp it.
It [censored] about her therapist and her friends.
Why did the therapist feel that the M won't work?
If she's so thick in her fog, she prob wouldn't start missing the kids yet. But take heart that she might just start to feel more when she sees less of them.
XH was always pretty adamant that he could cut off kid from his life and make do with OW's kids. But eventually, he realised that it's just not the same, and he has admitted as much. He knows damn well that no other kid will love him as much as his own kid.
If your wife has always had a great R with S19, she will know what it is that she's missing out on. Whether or not she admits it is another matter.
I suppose you can only do what you're doing right now and hope she comes to her senses.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I think you're right. I'm pretty sure she's just thinking that given enough time everyone will get over it, life will go on, the kids will eventually come around and see her again, she just has to push through, and the sooner she does it, the sooner everyone will get past it. And there is truth to that I suppose.
Actually the thing that has been most interesting is that they've both on their own really rallied around me...not in an adversarial way (choosing me over mom) but more in a compassionate, supportive way which has been surprising and, I have to admit, kind of nice...and also made me feel like I/we have done some things right with them.
Was hard to see any positives here at first, but that's definitely one of them.
And of course the way the feel is that they want their intact family back as well.
