Black and white

[Zues126]

Do you think they push buttons because they are still attached and want to see if you are, or do you think it's because they are just selfish and controlling and incapable of thinking of anyone but themselves?

In general this type of speculation is considered mind reading. However it turns out that you can indeed discover their motivations when their behavior is specifically aimed towards you. There is a chart that I was given by my DB coach. Based on how YOU feel when they act a certain way, you can determine THEIR motivations. How is this possible? It's because they know you intimately, they know your buttons and what each one does, so when they are doing things strictly for your benefit you actually can tell what they are trying to accomplish. Here is the chart:

You feel: Irritated
Their motivation: Attention

You feel: Insufficient
They feel: Insufficient, desire to prove their value

You feel: Powerless
They feel: Powerless, desire to gain control

You feel: Hurt and/or Angry
They feel: Vindictive, desire for revenge

Couple of examples. I took my kids on a trip once early on. When I dropped the kids off I was only there for 30 seconds, yet she managed to tell the kids about all the things she did over the weekend at a mixed bonfire. It was clear she was aiming this to me. My DB coach asked me how it made me feel. It came down to I felt insufficient, like I was left out, she didn't need me to have a good time. My DB coach pointed out that she probably felt insufficient as I just had a great weekend with my family without her. Another example would be when she took back Sunday nights from me and said she wouldn't allow that again until after court. I felt quite powerless and a bit angry. It was clear her motivation was that she felt she was losing control, and possibly wanted to hurt me as well.

In this instance (with the Halloween thing) I feel partially irritated, partially angry. So I expect she is looking for attention and maybe a little revenge.

Before moving on I must say this is very cool. Again, I would never have believed how I felt about anything could reflect someone else's motivations, but when it is someone that knows your buttons and is taking specific actions aimed only at you, it is actually possible.

As to the other reason of 'why is she doing this', it is really just her acting on how she feels. There is no overarching strategy or consistent underlying theme (like she wants R, or she doesn't want me to move on, etc). She just acts based on how she feels. When she feels hurt, she might lash out. When she feels forgotten about, she might cry for attention. This doesn't MEAN anything, other than she is going through her own emotional journey and simply feels justified in acting out her feelings.

Do you think this would have the same effect on a male as it would a female? If i communicated this way I think my husband would not even notice and possibly just think everything is going great.

I really don't know. When you said this would drive you nuts as a spouse I hope you know that wasn't my intent (except for the 5% of the time I'm feeling very childish myself). I really am simply protecting myself. But I would never treat my spouse this way. I am doing this because she ended our marriage, destroyed my family, and will continue to do as much damage as I allow her to in my life. I'm out on that. So if SHE did this I would be appreciative because I don't want anything from her. However if I was in a relationship with someone that did this it would be pretty difficult. I guess I wouldn't feel like I was in a relationship with them, because there's really no communication other than level 1 stuff. I DEFINITELY wouldn't recommend this as a 'strategy' in terms of trying to change WAS's behavior. Don't worry about changing his behavior. You can't. Just do what you think is appropriate based on the situation you are in. Unfortunately I was in a situation where this is appropriate for me.

I did not ask you, is infidelity a deal breaker for you as well? Are you done? Let's say she had remorse and wanted to work on marriage, would you still be willing to try?

It's funny, I used to ask myself that question all of the time, as do most new LBS's. As well as "how could this ever come back together again", and "are we moving towards that or not", and "what would she need to do differently", and "could I forgive her", and many others. Eventually you get tired of that. Because quite simply that's not happening. She has already destroyed my family and my marriage. I don't see any reason to let her destroy my present. And at this point it wouldn't even be her doing it, it would be me by obsessing and spinning in circles. Which is necessary for a while (a LONG while it seems like), but eventually you let it go. One more point- LBS's sometimes feel the need to tell themselves it is done to try to achieve 'closure' and end the 'limbo', when in reality they don't know how they'd really feel and they haven't even started to comprehend how permanently destructive divorce really is because they're still reeling in shock.

So I will tell you where my brain goes if those thoughts ever pop up. I think "it doesn't matter because that's not what's in front of me", and "if that situation ever arises I'll figure it out then", and "I can't really imagine how I'd respond in that situation", and "God only knows, anything is possible with God, and I will follow his lead".

What I can tell you is that I am moving forward with my life as if I knew there was zero chance of R ever being possible, and I truly don't expect that to happen, and I've gotten pretty comfortable with that fact. But because I'm enjoying my life and excited about the direction I'm going I don't need to ensure that percentage is 0% to continue to grieve, grow, heal, and move forward. And I don't need to cling to whatever non-zero percentage is there because I am appreciative of what God has given me and the journey I am on.

Hope that answers the questions a little bit for me anyway. Thanks for following Julie.