6 months in the storm

[ep0215]

Thank you Avanti and Azzork. I spent a lot of time writing in my journal last night thinking about my goals and working on the letter I want to send to H but never will. Therapeutic for me really.

A few things:

1. I do want to be more compassionate to H as my son's father. One thing that really bothers me is that he never calls or tries to FaceTime S4 during the 4 days he doesn't see him. It's like he forgets he has these people in his life until Tuesday comes around. Last night I called him before S4 went to bed so that he could at least leave his Dad a voicemail. I knew he wouldn't answer my phone call. He left his Dad the sweetest good night message and 5 minutes later I got a TM thanking me for the voicemail. I will continue to do that on the nights I have S4.

2. I am not sure how to handle this one...I had to call H about the fishtanks and he mentioned he was going on a bike ride through the city. I said 'have fun' but inside I am dying. I asked him to do things like that so many times as a family and the answer was always "I don't have time" or a flat out "no". I hate that he is doing these things now, single. At the same time I feel sorry for him that he is doing them alone when he could have been having this much fun with the two people who love him the most. I am not sure if this is something I can turn into a goal or if I just need to work through this as grief.

Just some thoughts today while S4 naps...finally.

Going to the park this evening with my sister and some friends, S4 too, to watch the Orchestra play outside and have a picnic. Really looking forward to it.