Black and white

[Zues126]

JulieH/photoka: This black/white rant applied to my belief in the commitment of marriage. In many of our cases our spouse broke that commitment. I agree that them bomb-dropping us and starting a physical affair with an outside party is terminating the marriage. At that point we need to move forward with our lives. There is nothing left to be committed to. This doesn't mean we burn bridges. It just means we keep our eyes open. My last point was that we move forward focused on positive thoughts, and don't fixate on our WAS's or our M's failings. Yes, there are emotions to work through, but at the end we must simply own our part, work on ourselves, and let the past go. It's definitely a process, but with enough time and deliberation it does happen.

Avanti: My plan with STBX is very simple. I communicate only when absolutely required, and then I do so with as few words as possible, speaking only to the business end of things, with and possible emotions/judgments/opinions/defenses or ANYTHING taken out. For example, I won't ask her not to put the kids in the middle. I won't tell her how I think we should agree on things before communicating to them. I won't explain why I won't make the schedule change. I won't apologize. I won't reason. I won't debate. Nothing nothing nothing.

She did email me and ask if I could bring the children over so she could take them trick or treating. She mentioned that our D8 was really sad that she couldn't go with mom like she does every year and offered an adjustment that would make that work. Personally I think she is being extremely manipulative, and is making a mountain out of a molehill with D8 in an attempt to coerce me to give her what she wants. I believe what she should have done would be just to tell D8 casually "this is your time with dad" and then bring it up with me if she wanted. NOT to allow it to become a big deal and tell D8 she'd see what she could do. This is a joke. HOWEVER- I will respond with something strictly business-like and professional like "I agree we should continue to flex when possible for the best interest of the children. Unfortunately my plans with the children won't make that possible."

I can tell you that in the last YEAR those have been my responses. Why? Because I'm not playing. I don't pretend to know her motives, but if she is trying to push any of my buttons she will find me like she's trying to play a game that has dead batteries. She can push buttons all she wants but nothing will happen. It doesn't matter what she does, I will not give her a reaction of any type. It will be completely flat. Because any emotional response I gave would just pour gas on the fire and encourage her to try further ways to manipulate me or push my buttons. Pass. She gets nothing from me. She can do what she wants but she'll be playing solitaire. Of course she can get exasperated and complain to her friends about how unreasonable or crazy and inhuman I am...but she will do that anyway...and if she can't see it's her own horrendous behavior that has driven me to this point to protect myself from her then it doesn't matter anyway. So I'm not starting a war. She's trying to light a fire, I'm just becoming wet wood.