Photoka, you are so kind to so many and you tend to put yourself last in the queue for attention and care.
You remain committed to DB'ing what does that really mean to you? When did you last read the DR book? Isn't it about time to get your head back into its text and really applying it from the bottom up, no missed steps?
The first step being to clear everything you know to date away and start afresh, the next is to determine some goals and then create plans to help achieve them.
If you find this hard, ask for help, this is where I say you need to start putting yourself first. Let others help you for a while and get your mind straight.
You say you are scared to lose your H (here's a 2x4) you aren't doing yourself any favours by allowing yourself to be in limbo. You seem frozen, uncertain how to behave, unsure of your feelings... A set of goals and plans will change that for sure and you'll feel so much better as you'll be able to change from consulting your feelings to consulting your plan.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
