H and I had a productive talk tonight. He does not believe I will ever be able to forgive him for the OW. I explained that that would be true, normally, but I can clearly see my role in his feelings of hopelessness. If not for that, I would be happy to never see him again. I did say he was probably going to have to help me heal. He accepted that, but I think he's afraid to believe I can get past it.
The talk started out with him being angry and hateful. Ended with a commitment to do our best at counseling and see where we wind up. I told him I wasn't in love with him at the present time, either. I reiterated that I believe D to be the wrong choice unless you've tried everything you can first. I told him if D is where we ended up, we would not be friends. I would go out of my way to never have to see him again.
He's still angry with me for telling the kids about the A and OW. I told him I could understand why he felt angry with me, but the kids being upset with him was HIS fault. He chose the behavior, he gets to reap the consequences. I was under no obligation to keep his bad behavior hidden. He says they'll never respect him again. I said they could, but he would have to earn it. (I got a glare for that one.) I'm not sorry I told them. Doing so is what started to turn the situation around. All the lies and sneaky behavior, and thinking he was getting away with his A just made it fun. Once they knew, and jumped his butt, is when he started to feel guilty and ashamed.
Remember when I found out I had been exposed to whatever OW might have? I called the doctor that day and asked about the best way to proceed. They told me I could be tested, but it would be better if H were tested first. If he comes back negative, I will be okay. He didn't talk to me this week without getting mad and hanging up on me, so I never had a chance to tell him about my phone call with the doctor. (We see the same one.)
He went in today for an unrelated issue. I almost can't type I'm laughing so hard. He had no idea I'd talked to them about my possible exposure. He gets in the room, and to his surprise gets a stern talking to and tested for STD' s. He was quite angry with me about that. LOL I don't really care how he feels about it. I need to know.
I reminded him if he hadn't been lying to me all along, the entire situation wouldn't have developed. I wouldn't have gone near him! He only has himself to blame for that, too. I wasn't taking any chances with my health, and planned to get myself tested ASAP. Now I can wait for his results, which I think is how it should be in the first place.
We briefly talked about his friends, where he spends so much time (guess where he is right now) and how I am unwelcome to join them. He's said so many bad things about me, he doesn't quite know how to suddenly start showing up with me. I reminded him our marriage is our business. If I am willing to go, with all of them thinking the worst of me, surely he can tell them the situation is a bit more complicated than he's been letting on. He said he'll work on it. I'll give him a few weeks.
I'm finally feeling a little better. Calmed down a lot! One day at a time. At least we're both willing to see where this goes. I can do a lot of DBing if he's keeping an open mind! Starting to feel hopeful...just a tiny bit.
Ancaire, you are amazing. Truly amazing. How you have figured out DB, detachment, 180s, all so quickly is truly beyond me. If anyone stands a chance for reconciliation it is you.
And I am so glad for your Dr! Praying you will get a clean bill of health.
I have also been struggling with H's dragging my name through the mud. I like how you clarify things and simplify them. If/when H decides to check back in, all he does need to say is that things are more complicated than he let on. That's easy to say and all that would be required. That gives me hope, I was getting stuck thinking that one could be insurmountable.
Have you ever thought of becoming a counselor or a mentor or life coach? Your grasp of complicated issues is so quick and laser sharp- you really have a gift. Coupled with compassion and a great sense of humor.
TxHubby, I think, at least for me, if I asked my H those questions it would backfire on me because he would feel like I was shaming him. He does need to be asked these questions, but not by his W. He needs a good friend, an older brother, a father, a respected male to ask him this. But I agree 100% that he needs to think about this.
I do agree with you. That's why I told her I wish I could talk to her H. The life story he's writing right now for himself makes him look like a real degenerate.
Glad you two are talking. This is a very good spot to have gotten to, but also a very precarious one. Please tread lightly.
Right now my goal if I were you would be to not blow anything up between now and retrouville, or between now and professional counseling. I mean, that's the next step, right? He's agreed to go, right?
In sales they have a rule: When you make the sale, STOP TALKING. They've already said 'yes'. If you keep talking, there is nothing more to gain. But you can talk yourself out of a sale by bringing up a concern, or pissing them off, etc. So when you get the handshake, get the signature, and keep moving!
Same way, the height of absurdity would be if you decided that rather than waiting a week or two to get professional help, you were so impatient that you feel you can tackle these issues on your own...only to result in him getting angry and calling the whole thing off. Oops! Don't do it. Just be friendly and relaxed.
One other point- you are the betrayed party, but that doesn't make you or your views 'right'. The way you're talking you sound as if you're in the right, he's in the wrong, so therefor you get to dictate how things need to play out, what you want, what he needs to do, how he needs to be, etc. I'm just telling you how I feel reading this, and I would bet he feels the same way. Yes it stinks that he hurt you in so many ways. But if you want a PARTNERSHIP you need to listen as much as you talk (or more), you need to try to understand him as much as you want him to understand you (or more), and you need to validate and respect his opinions and viewpoints as much as you expect him to respect yours (or more). You have been carrying the lion's share of the work, but just because he starts coming around doesn't mean you can dump it all on him and say "you're turn to carry the load A-hole". NO. You are a TEAM. He reached the point of deciding he couldn't be on a team with you. Don't give him reason to think he's right. If this doesn't work you both lose, bigger than you can imagine. So take the righteousness, ego, and most your confidence out of it. Be HUMBLE. Accept that maybe you are wrong in some big ways. Be openminded that you might be missing some things. Tread softly, as softly as if you had been the one that betrayed him. You are not right. You are on a team, and if you can't find a way to both be right this won't work.
Hopefully you know I recognize you are doing amazing for being so new to this, and I am proud of you for not hitting him in the face with the seven ball. Just want you to save your M.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
TxHubby, I wish you could talk to my H too. I really wish someone would step in on my behalf.
I also wish that someone had pulled me aside pre-BD and opened my eyes. I don't know that I would have believed them though. I guess some lessons have to be learned in the hardest way possible. I have officially been humbled by this experience.
Zues, I understand what you are saying. My plan is to do nothing other than be friendly to H until we begin counseling. We ironed out the most pressing issues in the conversation earlier.
His sheer rage at me was a problem. He did a LOT more talking than I recorded. I did boatloads of validating and apologizing. I played a huge role in the breakdown of our marriage. I would never be able to forgive him otherwise...and not just for the A. He's been awful. I told him I felt like I walked him all the way to hell, opened the door for him, and told him to have a good time. I told him the burden in my soul is so large, I am in no position to judge him.
In recapping the highlights, it seems I missed a few key parts.
The only two things I'm not sorry for is the whole issue with me being exposed to possible STD' s, and tattling on him. The main reason I did that was because he blamed everything on me, and ALL the kids were furious with me. I was tired of being told how our family would still be together if I'd just done what Dad asked me to do. The STD testing is probably obvious.
I've got tons to keep me busy this next week, and out of his way. He has pool tournaments is weekend. It's not the right time for me to start going. We're barely even friendly, so I'll wait until I'm invited. I'm fine with that.
At least the rage is diffused. It was making me a nervous wreck.
That was quite a conversation with your husband. I am envious of you. I would love to talk to my wife. With patience and small steps you'll get there. Be well
Judy - it sounds like you still have that good man in there somewhere. When I read how your H is being honest with his answers and how he talks about recognizing that his kids have lost respect for him( you of course are spot on regarding him having to earn back the respect) - i think that shows that he has regret and he is willing to try . I know Retrouville will be a great experience for the two of you and I can't wait to hear about it.
TxHubby, I wish you could talk to my H too. I really wish someone would step in on my behalf.
I also wish that someone had pulled me aside pre-BD and opened my eyes. I don't know that I would have believed them though. I guess some lessons have to be learned in the hardest way possible. I have officially been humbled by this experience.
I really don't understand theses ass hats. We all reflect on our lives. Do they want to look back and see that they made a joke of their whole life and hurt so many people that loved them? What the hell kind of life is that. I was a Marine sergeant at one time and I'd love to go all drill instructor on men acting like this. I wish I could run a "boot camp" for dipshit men acting like total jackasses to their wives and family. Drop them off with me for 6 weeks, when you get them back they'll never do this [censored] again. The whole first week will probably be just me kicking them in their asses so hard and often that they have to eat standing up. Then we'll work on the story of their lives. We all write our life stories every minute of every day. That's something that someone older and wiser shared with me when I was very young. I've thought about that every time I face decisions in my life. Do the right thing or do the wrong thing? Dishonoring your marriage is never ever the right thing. It never ends well for the jackass that does it. Again, at the end of it all, what do these assholes want the story of their lives to be? The hero? ...or the villain?
