Black and white

[Zues126]

I want to share an excerpt from an email my mom sent to her betraying partner...Many things I could post on so sorry for not replying to other comments just yet. Right now I want to focus on something I feel quite passionate about: LBS's rewriting history. I get it. Our M's were bad. The "I don't want to return to that M either" and "I'm willing to recommit if WAS demonstrates growth as well", these are reasonable to a point. I mean, our M's were terrible and we'd definitely want to ensure this didn't repeat by both making the M better and ensuring our partner knew what a commitment meant. But focusing on the negatives in our M and WAS is not a healthy place to dwell.

As you know my mom was betrayed by a 12 year partner. He gave her a bunch of excuses, blaming her for much of it, basically saying "this was what was missing in our relationship and why I strayed". So zero accountability. The funny part is he asked my mom "you never told me what you felt my shortcomings were". This is what my mom replied (edited for protection):

Can I find times that I didn't like? Outlooks that I was uncomfortable with? Specific days when I wish A instead of B? Sure, I could come up with some kind of list for you. But if you are asking what you did that would drive me to cheat on you, there is no list.

We have different priorities and world views. Your growth and development is your business. Did things annoy me? Did I judge things? Of course, but I never focused on that. Believe me when I say this: making a list of YOUR shortcomings would be more about ME and MY shortcomings. What is it that makes me uncomfortable about something you are doing? Is it you? No, most likely it is me. What can I learn about myself examining my discomfort?

It makes no sense to hash over why my feelings might be hurt one day or how you could have given me more. You are you and as long as we were a team it is your growth not mine. It is your struggle. You felt lonely, you felt pushed away. Everything in this world will challenge us. Nothing in this world is going to fulfill us totally. I don't know how to say this to you any clearer. Making a list of your shortcomings will only tell me about me. I thought we were on a path and that we would bring out the best in each other. I did not look to you to make my world right.


My mom was a good partner. Not perfect. But I am really proud of how she has handled this, and her maturity. This was inspiring to me, making me want to really challenge myself even more to not vilify WAS and to hold myself accountable for my own happiness.