H and I had a productive talk tonight. He does not believe I will ever be able to forgive him for the OW. I explained that that would be true, normally, but I can clearly see my role in his feelings of hopelessness. If not for that, I would be happy to never see him again. I did say he was probably going to have to help me heal. He accepted that, but I think he's afraid to believe I can get past it.
The talk started out with him being angry and hateful. Ended with a commitment to do our best at counseling and see where we wind up. I told him I wasn't in love with him at the present time, either. I reiterated that I believe D to be the wrong choice unless you've tried everything you can first. I told him if D is where we ended up, we would not be friends. I would go out of my way to never have to see him again.
He's still angry with me for telling the kids about the A and OW. I told him I could understand why he felt angry with me, but the kids being upset with him was HIS fault. He chose the behavior, he gets to reap the consequences. I was under no obligation to keep his bad behavior hidden. He says they'll never respect him again. I said they could, but he would have to earn it. (I got a glare for that one.) I'm not sorry I told them. Doing so is what started to turn the situation around. All the lies and sneaky behavior, and thinking he was getting away with his A just made it fun. Once they knew, and jumped his butt, is when he started to feel guilty and ashamed.
Remember when I found out I had been exposed to whatever OW might have? I called the doctor that day and asked about the best way to proceed. They told me I could be tested, but it would be better if H were tested first. If he comes back negative, I will be okay. He didn't talk to me this week without getting mad and hanging up on me, so I never had a chance to tell him about my phone call with the doctor. (We see the same one.)
He went in today for an unrelated issue. I almost can't type I'm laughing so hard. He had no idea I'd talked to them about my possible exposure. He gets in the room, and to his surprise gets a stern talking to and tested for STD' s. He was quite angry with me about that. LOL I don't really care how he feels about it. I need to know.
I reminded him if he hadn't been lying to me all along, the entire situation wouldn't have developed. I wouldn't have gone near him! He only has himself to blame for that, too. I wasn't taking any chances with my health, and planned to get myself tested ASAP. Now I can wait for his results, which I think is how it should be in the first place.
We briefly talked about his friends, where he spends so much time (guess where he is right now) and how I am unwelcome to join them. He's said so many bad things about me, he doesn't quite know how to suddenly start showing up with me. I reminded him our marriage is our business. If I am willing to go, with all of them thinking the worst of me, surely he can tell them the situation is a bit more complicated than he's been letting on. He said he'll work on it. I'll give him a few weeks.
I'm finally feeling a little better. Calmed down a lot! One day at a time. At least we're both willing to see where this goes. I can do a lot of DBing if he's keeping an open mind! Starting to feel hopeful...just a tiny bit.
