3 weeks ago on a Wednesday my W came home from a happy hour with coworkers and told me she's moving out. She said she doesn't love me, doesn't know if she's ever loved me, feels trapped in our M, needs to find herself, wants to date other people, etc. She instantly put up a wall and was totally emotionless. I tried to talk through the options with her, ie her moving into the 2nd BR, us getting marriage counseling, etc., but she was set on moving out and said she's ready to get D.
I was totally blindsided and devastated. 6 months ago she confessed to having an emotional connection to a coworker who she found attractive. She said it hadn't gotten physical and I believe her. She did lie about him working in her company vs just in the building, but I didn't find that out til this past weekend.
When she told me that 6 months ago, I told her she needs to go NC with this guy and we need to start spending more time together - she had been going out after work w/ coworkers and more and more frequently. I told her I'd cut back work on the weekend to spend more time with her. She was distant in the ensuing months, even with me trying to be more affectionate.
The Saturday after she told me, she moved out. I asked her if it had anything to do with the guy from before and she lied and said it didn't. We've been together 10 years ( married for 3 ) and have always had a very good relationship. We met in college and neither of us were very experienced with dating. We don't argue very much, raise our voices, call each other names, etc. She hasn't been as loving toward me the past 6-9 months, but I chalked it up to the stress we've both been under - we moved cross-country and she changed careers last Oct.
I spent the first 2 weeks soul searching. It didn't make sense how she could turn so cold without even wanting to work on things. Especially since I feel I always try to be understanding of her feelings. Last Friday she came over to swap out some clothes, and we sat and talked. I was trying to put on a mask of happiness but she was actually happy. I poured my heart out, but she rejected me hard again. I asked her why she doesn't just file for D now and get it over with if that's what she wants. She said there's no need to rush and to wait until after the holidays are over. I told her I wasn't going to sit around and be her crutch and that I was going to take the weekend to think it over, but I may just file the papers next week.
Last Sunday I was going through the phone bill and I noticed an unfamiliar local number she had been talking to everyday starting a week before the BD. I called and confronted her on it. She was evasive at first, but eventually conceded it was the same guy as before. She emailed later that day and apologized for lying, but insisted it had nothing to do with her feelings - she was just talking to him for support.
I replied saying that she is cheating on me by having an EA and that I deserve better. She was indignant, saying she hasn't had sex with him and we have different definitions of cheating. I didn't reply and she wrote back later saying she'd break off contact with him until her next IC session, which was yesterday, out of respect for me.
Unfortunately, on Wed I made a mistake and feel we took a step backwards. We had a Hawaii trip upcoming next month that we've been planning for a while, and I was still holding onto hope that we could go together.
She emailed on Wednesday after a slight back and forth asking how each other's day was, with a smiley face and asked "What are your thoughts on Hawaii?" I instantly perked up and replied "I'd love to go and spend time with you..." She replied that she doesn't think we should go and that she doesn't want me to get the wrong impression of her wanting to get back together.
I felt extremely rejected for the 3rd or 4th time since she's left and wrote back hastily, saying how I was fine before she emailed but now I feel like [censored], and asking her if she realizes how much her behavior is affecting me. She wrote back saying she doesn't know if she should communicate if I'm going to backlash like that.
I found this site yesterday, have read through all of the newcomer threads, and have already bought/started reading DR. To me, it seems like she fits the WW model, and I fit the "nice guy".
My plan atm is to not contact her, and to try to be short if she contacts me. If she does contact me, should I ask her about her decision wrt the OM? I feel like I need to stand up for myself more, and tell her not to contact me while she's still in contact with him.
Sorry for the novel, I tried to summarize as best as I could.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Ya I've read through all of the threads above. The WW stories helped me make a little sense of everything that is going on. I think I'll read through them again.
So sorry you find yourself here, but you are in the right place and will get great advice. Some of it may be hard to take, but everyone has YOUR best interest in mind.
First off, you definitely have a WW. Any time an OM is involved, it means wayward. She has followed the standard WW script so far in terms of the emotional distance, trickle truth about OM, and the seemingly instant turning cold after BD, like she just flipped a switch.
The thing is, your W has been involved with this OM for quite some time and has been thinking about leaving for a while. She detached from you and your M months, or even years ago. Yes, it's terrible that she didn't have enough consideration to talk to you about it, but welcome to the club. There are many LBH's here, including myself.
First rule - don't believe a word she says. The EA is more than likely a PA. Also, I highly doubt she has cut off contact with OM at all. She's probably in daily contact, but has learned to hide it better from you.
I suggest you read through all the homework that Cadet posted above, but start with Sandi's threads. The first is "A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)" and the other is "For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2". Both are extremely helpful and contain a wealth of information about the WW mindset.
You need to immediately set some firm boundaries. Your WW will try every trick in the book to emotionally manipulate you into giving her what she wants. It's hard to hear, but she does not love you and cannot be trusted at this time. You probably won't believe me, but please trust that I know what I'm talking about. I let my WW treat me like a doormat for months before finally standing up for myself. Had I been more decisive early on, I think I could have totally changed my situation, and possibly avoided D. This early time after BD is critical. Please read the homework and define some clear boundaries soon.
You should separate your finances ASAP, including bank accounts, credit cards, etc. There are LBH's who have been financially wiped out by a WW in just a couple of weeks - do not trust her. I would also set up an initial consult with an attorney soon. You don't have to file for D, but find out your options and get familiar with the process. Knowledge is power. Avoid contact as much as possible, and never initiate. If you don't have kids together, I would probably suggest NC at all, until she has left OM and is willing to discuss reconciliation.
I know how overwhelming this all seems and you are reeling right now. Others will be along shortly with more advice. Do your best to follow it and take action to protect yourself. Hang in there, it's going to be a VERY bumpy road.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Luckily, our finances are already separated. She always had a weird thing with money and didn't want to co-mingle after getting married, even though I was making more at the time.
She does have clothes/stuff left in our apt though, because she doesn't have anywhere to take them really. She is living out of a suitcase, hopping between temporary AirBnBs.
Should I tell her she needs to come and get her stuff or I'm going to put it in storage, or is that too vindictive?
Also, we have a few things that one of us pays for that we share. ie. Netflix, Hulu, our phone plan. Should I move to separate those? I just feel like it's a little petty at this point.
Hi, glad you found your way here, but sorry for the reason. IMHO, the quicker the LBH shows his WW that he has no intentions of waiting around while she sees where her A goes.....the quicker she'll ditch OM. And I said "show" b/c words mean nothing to her.
In a nutshell, you need to change the dynamics of this relationship. As of now, she is the one who wants out......maybe. She wants to play around and then decide, but pretty sure she won't pick you.....is that about right? You, the LBH, are wanting to save the M. That tends to place you in a position of pursuing her. So, change that dynamic and become the WAS, and let her have the role of LBS.
You don't have to get into an A, or run out to file for D. Just make her think you are dumping her instead of her dumping you. You know how, don't you? Of course, since you've said you fit the nice-guy type, it will take a lot of b@lls to dump her, won't it? It won't feel "right" to you. You won't want to do it.
So, I'm just saying what would work for you to take charge of this sitch b/c ATM, she's the one driving, isn't she? The one who is being pursued is the one who has the power in the relationship. These words may not set well with some people, but that's the shortcut version.
I have not seen a successful in-house separation. At best, they take on the role of "friend" and are contented to live as roommates and in limbo to the end of time, or until another man comes to rescue them from their miserable existence. Get the picture?
Do you have kids?
Has there ever been cheating on either side in the past? Any other marriages?
Get legal advice ASAP.
Please do not agree to be her BFF.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's not an in-house separation, she moved out almost immediately.
No kids, no prior cheating. She doesn't consider what she's doing now to be cheating. I'm pretty confident it's still just an emotional affair and hasn't turned physical ( you may disagree, but she isn't a very sexual person. the emotional connection is much more important to her )
Isn't it a good idea to keep the lines of communication open in a non-pursuing way? Would your advice change if there weren't another man in the equation?
In the DR book, it says to keep doing what's working. I saw positive signs when I wasn't being pursuing, but still communicating. Admittedly the last email exchange we had, before I found this forum, I relapsed and came off as needy and she responded negatively. I'm afraid if I leave it at that, she won't reach back out and will drift further away. This was her last message:
"Maybe it's better that I don't communicate? I dunno. I just hate that you went from feeling fine to feeling like absolute [censored] as a result of my outreach. Makes me feel sad and like I shouldn't reach out.
You tell me."
That was 5 days ago. Why would it be so bad to send something like:
"How did your therapy session go on Thursday? I had one on the same day and felt really good after mine.
Hope you had a good weekend."
I'm not very concerned about getting legal advice. We've maintained separate finances since we were married and make comparable salaries. It would be an amicable split with us just walking away with what we each have.
