3 weeks ago on a Wednesday my W came home from a happy hour with coworkers and told me she's moving out. She said she doesn't love me, doesn't know if she's ever loved me, feels trapped in our M, needs to find herself, wants to date other people, etc. She instantly put up a wall and was totally emotionless. I tried to talk through the options with her, ie her moving into the 2nd BR, us getting marriage counseling, etc., but she was set on moving out and said she's ready to get D.
I was totally blindsided and devastated. 6 months ago she confessed to having an emotional connection to a coworker who she found attractive. She said it hadn't gotten physical and I believe her. She did lie about him working in her company vs just in the building, but I didn't find that out til this past weekend.
When she told me that 6 months ago, I told her she needs to go NC with this guy and we need to start spending more time together - she had been going out after work w/ coworkers and more and more frequently. I told her I'd cut back work on the weekend to spend more time with her. She was distant in the ensuing months, even with me trying to be more affectionate.
The Saturday after she told me, she moved out. I asked her if it had anything to do with the guy from before and she lied and said it didn't. We've been together 10 years ( married for 3 ) and have always had a very good relationship. We met in college and neither of us were very experienced with dating. We don't argue very much, raise our voices, call each other names, etc. She hasn't been as loving toward me the past 6-9 months, but I chalked it up to the stress we've both been under - we moved cross-country and she changed careers last Oct.
I spent the first 2 weeks soul searching. It didn't make sense how she could turn so cold without even wanting to work on things. Especially since I feel I always try to be understanding of her feelings. Last Friday she came over to swap out some clothes, and we sat and talked. I was trying to put on a mask of happiness but she was actually happy. I poured my heart out, but she rejected me hard again. I asked her why she doesn't just file for D now and get it over with if that's what she wants. She said there's no need to rush and to wait until after the holidays are over. I told her I wasn't going to sit around and be her crutch and that I was going to take the weekend to think it over, but I may just file the papers next week.
Last Sunday I was going through the phone bill and I noticed an unfamiliar local number she had been talking to everyday starting a week before the BD. I called and confronted her on it. She was evasive at first, but eventually conceded it was the same guy as before. She emailed later that day and apologized for lying, but insisted it had nothing to do with her feelings - she was just talking to him for support.
I replied saying that she is cheating on me by having an EA and that I deserve better. She was indignant, saying she hasn't had sex with him and we have different definitions of cheating. I didn't reply and she wrote back later saying she'd break off contact with him until her next IC session, which was yesterday, out of respect for me.
Unfortunately, on Wed I made a mistake and feel we took a step backwards. We had a Hawaii trip upcoming next month that we've been planning for a while, and I was still holding onto hope that we could go together.
She emailed on Wednesday after a slight back and forth asking how each other's day was, with a smiley face and asked "What are your thoughts on Hawaii?" I instantly perked up and replied "I'd love to go and spend time with you..." She replied that she doesn't think we should go and that she doesn't want me to get the wrong impression of her wanting to get back together.
I felt extremely rejected for the 3rd or 4th time since she's left and wrote back hastily, saying how I was fine before she emailed but now I feel like [censored], and asking her if she realizes how much her behavior is affecting me. She wrote back saying she doesn't know if she should communicate if I'm going to backlash like that.
I found this site yesterday, have read through all of the newcomer threads, and have already bought/started reading DR. To me, it seems like she fits the WW model, and I fit the "nice guy".
My plan atm is to not contact her, and to try to be short if she contacts me. If she does contact me, should I ask her about her decision wrt the OM? I feel like I need to stand up for myself more, and tell her not to contact me while she's still in contact with him.
Sorry for the novel, I tried to summarize as best as I could.
