LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (2)

[sandi2]

I get it. Thank you for the reminder. I don't trust her but I want to. I know I can't though and she is running on pure emotion right now. I am hopeful she snaps out of it.

But you can't trust her. Yes, she is running on pure emotion, but IMHO, it is worse than a somewhat "normal" person's emotions. It is the accumulation of negative things that has been building in her. And as for her snapping out of it.......I have not heard one story that confirms a WW snapping out of it. That is not to say she can't come out, however, "to snap" indicates a fast all-in-one action. It won't happen that way. Something could happen to definitely get her attention and the dots start connecting.

For a while now, I have mentioned to LBH'S the dynamics in the relationship with their WW. Today, I sent a very long post to another LBH, who has in-house separation, about an article on this subject. It seemed to confuse him, so I am hesitant to copy it again. If you want to read it, visit Vise's thread and see posts for today.

[dday]

Gn, you seem to be doing pretty well. Keep it up and remember to protect yourself and the kids. I still have hope for us all. Keep doing your part, and you and the kids will be in good shape.

[gs9]

It's solid you if it's about protecting yourself and the children... Not if your are looking to get a reaction

I wrote it up it for a couple reasons.
1. Protect my time and rights with D4.
2. I'm going to waste as little money as possible going through this D.
3. Help me detach. I really feel kind of numb to it. I can't control it. Spending 50% D4 childhood is not my choice.
- if it causes some type of reaction in her I can't control it nor do I want the burden of controlling her reactions. (spoken as a mantra )

Found out what my rights were and I more than once voiced I would not settle for anything less than what I felt was fair. Not mean not angry.. But firm and confident I would walk away just fine... I was able to remove the emotions in the mediation process, even was happy n chipper understanding that this was on her, her choice ... And I would make lemonade out of the lemons she was trying to throw at me.

I have on more than one occasion showed her she wouldn't push me around or push me into making decisions before I'm ready.

Parenting plan.... I think shows strength and something a concerned and involved father would put into place to protect his rights to the kids ... So yeah I think it's solid provided you aren't trying to guilt her or force her hand in someway

Not trying to guilt her or force her hand in anyway. It's something that has to be done. I want to make sure I protect my rights and don't waste money.
WW is pushing for us to start the plan right away to help D4 adjust to times of WW caring for her and times when I care for her. Is this something we should start right away or wait until the D is final? I'm thinking it doesn't hurt to start it right away.

[gs9]

[quote]
For a while now, I have mentioned to LBH'S the dynamics in the relationship with their WW. Today, I sent a very long post to another LBH, who has in-house separation, about an article on this subject. It seemed to confuse him, so I am hesitant to copy it again. If you want to read it, visit Vise's thread and see posts for today.

Brilliant. I recognize this behavior in our MR dynamics. For the first 6 years of our M I allowed her to be abusive to me. I pleaded, begged and poured my heart out to her. Telling her she was destroying me and ruining our M but her behavior didn't change because my reactions to the behavior didn't change.
Over the last month or so I have created boundaries not accepting abusive behavior. i.e I moved out of the basement, I reclaimed the master bedroom and I have firmly stated that I will not tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully. Then when she does (most of the time) I have been able to calmly walk away or put in my headphones and walk away. What I have noticed is that she is being more gentle when she speaks to me, she is being more considerate and she has even apologized for her outburst twice. It's not 100% and she's still pushes to see what she can get away with but it has been better. The great part is that I don't even care if it's real for her or not. I'm still receiving the respect I should have been receiving all along.

[sandi2]

Great! That's good to hear.

[gs9]

I know we are to resist giving reassurance and the last time my WW said something like "I know you want the D too" I said " this is all your choice" I feel I said too much.

What are some best practices for handling statements/questions like this? I think if we were home and she made one of this reassurance statements/questions she would follow me around insisting on an answer. If I ignore it I may have to leave the house all together

[dwh15]

I know we are to resist giving reassurance and the last time my WW said something like "I know you want the D too" I said " this is all your choice" I feel I said too much.

What are some best practices for handling statements/questions like this? I think if we were home and she made one of this reassurance statements/questions she would follow me around insisting on an answer. If I ignore it I may have to leave the house all together

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you said, if that was it. When she says YOU want the divorce, it's fine to remind her this is her choice, and just leave it alone. Maybe others can chime in with thoughts but I can't see a problem.

[CaliGuy]

It's common ... "You want the D too". , "see we are better off this way" ...."you are happier now" ...... All those types of statements. For me it was a great chance for a nicely rehearsed truth dart. I very calm would look her in the eyes and tell her " no this is never what I wanted, I do not want a D but I respect your choice and your decision, I would do many things differently if I could, that being said I will continue to focus on making myself better and I will be ok regardless." End of story end of conversation ... I would tell her I had some things to take care of and leave. This did open up dialogue as she typically wanted to know what I would have done differently ... Which gave me a chance to validate and address her valid complaints ... Not the BS ones just the valid ones

When you detach and GAL... Get your feet back underneath you and control the interactions to be calm (on your end) you will start noticing some change in the dynamics. As sandi posted in that other thread... The LBHs fear and reactions to sway the WW ends up speeding up her running from him

[gs9]

Journaling......
Well didn't see her much this weekend which was nice. I was gone last weekend so she was away this weekend. I created a parenting plan and let her know it was at the house if she would like to review it. Also told her I didn't feel we needed to spend more money on a mediator. I'm not going to do any more of the work for her. I just did the parenting plan to show her it could be done with out spending another $500.

I felt really good this weekend. Just hanging with D4 and some friends. Didn't even really think about her much. I feel like I'm detaching more. And I believe I've been seeing a change in the dynamic.

Took D4 to the Pumpkin patch then football at a friends house Saturday. Sunday Church and then S12 and S14 baseball games. WW was already there. D4 went up to greet WW and I hung out by the dugouts. Close to game ending WW took D4 to the playground.
I sent a text that said " You ok with D4 this afternoon"
She replied " Yes, are you leaving?"
I replied "when the game ends"
I went to watch football at a friends and then to the casino to play poker. I was playing well and stayed pretty late. I got home at 3am. WW came into the MBR.
She said "where have you been"
I said "We aren't going to talk about things like that"
She said " I want to discuss the parenting plan"
I said " We can discuss it after work tomorrow. I'm going to bed"
She said "I think you've been drinking. I can tell by your mannerisms"
I said " I have not been drinking. I have not had a drink, sip or drop in over 15 months. Here smell my breath"
She said "your breath smells like vag*na" and left the room.

Dynamic changes
-more respect
-2 apologies
-asking if I'm leaving and where I have been
-accusing me of being with other women.

the great thing is that I've really come to place of I hope she returns and I know it will be a lot of work but if she doesn't I'm going to be great. I just had a great weekend with out her hanging with D4 and friends. On Saturday when I saw her at the baseball game I even thought "I don't even find you attractive.....actually you are disgusting and repulse me"

[annab74]

Yay for progress Gnicks!