Need advice for a WW who left Part 4

[Vanilla]

Somewhere along the line the court thinks WW has full custody.

This looks needs based.

A new L?

V

[TxHubby]

Still having a hard time today. Guess I wasn't nearly as detached as I thought.

None of us ever are. You love her. Your posts scream it. We all lie to ourselves and say we've detached and don't care anymore but we're actually trying to convince ourselves of that. Sure she has hurt you beyond imagination. I know that hurt well my friend. Yet, even after crushing your heart, you love her. That's not a bad thing. Love is powerful. BTW, she loves you too, she's just f'd in the head right now due to the affair. She's chasing fairy tales and hopefully she'll discover they're not real. Good luck to you. I sincerely mean that.

[dwh15]

Somewhere along the line the court thinks WW has full custody.

This looks needs based.

A new L?

V

V, it is needs-based, but the custody arrangement looks correct from what I can tell. Still waiting on my attorney to let me know. It's been 2 days and I've left messages both days. He's been great so far, but starting to get frustrated. The issue seems to be that WW makes a LOT less than me, so I'm really getting hammered. What really bugs me is that the court only accounted for WW working 25 hours/week when computing her income. Why not 40 hours? I'm expected to work full-time but she gets a pass? That's one of the things we may end up challenging.

WW called today and we briefly discussed the matter. Of course she's perfectly happy with the order. And why not? It allows her to sit around and do nothing for the next 7 years. She asked if I was going to challenge. I just said I was waiting for my attorney to review and would let her know.

One thing that I'm proud of is that we spoke for 15 minutes, but I remained calm and detached the entire time. Not necessarily happy but not mad either. Just business-like. Then I ended the conversation before she had a chance, and afterwards, I felt fine. In the past, I would have been reeling for hours or days after an interaction like that. I do feel like I'm detaching a little more each day. I'm not waking up with a smile every day but I'm not crying either. I'm gonna get there.

[dwh15]

Still having a hard time today. Guess I wasn't nearly as detached as I thought.

None of us ever are. You love her. Your posts scream it. We all lie to ourselves and say we've detached and don't care anymore but we're actually trying to convince ourselves of that. Sure she has hurt you beyond imagination. I know that hurt well my friend. Yet, even after crushing your heart, you love her. That's not a bad thing. Love is powerful. BTW, she loves you too, she's just f'd in the head right now due to the affair. She's chasing fairy tales and hopefully she'll discover they're not real. Good luck to you. I sincerely mean that.

Well, the post you quoted was a from a few days ago, but I agree. In fact, I think I'll always love my STBXW. I assume that even when I start dating again, it will have to be with the understanding that I love her. But that doesn't mean I want to be with her anymore. She is so selfish now, and has done so much damage to me and her kids that I would not want her back in our lives.

I could never go back to the M we had before - the last 5 years were terrible and I was lonely and depressed. In fact, in may ways, I'm happier now that I have been in quite some time. Now, IF WW ever comes out of her wayward fog, and starts to resemble the kind, loving woman she used to be, then I could consider wanting to be with her again. But I'm not pinning any hopes on it or planning my future around it. In fact, I would say it's highly unlikely, but I guess you never know.

For now, I'm starting to look ahead to a bright future with my kids in a successful career, taking fun trips with my family, and even dating again. There's a mystery and excitement about a promising new, unknown future.

[Vanilla]

I agree, it can be reworked on full time.

In my sitch, WH wants to play golf, he is 3 years younger than me, I work 70 hours a week. My L suggests I consider saying I will go to semi-retirement, I have no pension and WH has some unless he cashed it in. WH earned 4 times my profit when he worked but poor WH is unable to work. I won't lie, that's not my intention, I love what I do and will work until I am no longer able to do so.

My business is doing poorly as a result of this chaos and S. It is temporary, why should it not be so?

Do all you can for you, never hold yourself back, it is worthwhile keep going and growing. In the end you will be so successful that the WW slice will be short change and short term. Her loss as I absolutely know dwh is going to be a great success.

Grow, learn, even outstrip every limit you have, be prosperous so much so that none of this matters. Grow your cake.

In anticipation of that make a full settlement if you need to, so that WW can never reopen the box.

V

[123mich]

dwh, you have a great outlook.

[WhyUs]

dwh,

Did you have a hearing on the financials or just get an order in the mail? In my case there was a hearing scheduled and we ended up settling the temporary financials outside of the courtroom. I am guessing if we had the hearing the judge would have sent the orders to us in the mail.

I am just wondering if you have already had a chance to present your case to a judge.

[dwh15]

dwh,

Did you have a hearing on the financials or just get an order in the mail? In my case there was a hearing scheduled and we ended up settling the temporary financials outside of the courtroom. I am guessing if we had the hearing the judge would have sent the orders to us in the mail.

I am just wondering if you have already had a chance to present your case to a judge.

We had a hearing in front of a Friend of the Court referee - not a judge. Spent about 90 minutes going over everything. Got a recommendation letter in the mail, which will become the temporary support order, unless me or WW objects within 14 days. I know she's fine with it, but I'm still waiting to hear back from my attorney, 4 days later. Getting really frustrated and thinking about looking for a new attorney if I don't hear back soon. It really bugs me that WW's support was based on a 25-hour work week instead of 40 hours.

[dwh15]

Have had a couple of sort of rough days. I'll go hours at a time and feel totally detached and not thinking about WW or the D. But then will have waves of sadness or anger hit me and last for a while, then seem to subside. At least the downs are getting less frequent, but the anger, if anything, seems to be coming on stronger. I'm sure it's all part of the ride, but really getting sick of the ups and downs.

Also, I heard from WW's father yesterday. He asked for my help this weekend with doing some yard work. He's currently fighting a pretty severe back injury and I had previously offered to assist however I could, so I'm glad he reached out that way. He's a very proud, independent man, and rarely asks anyone for help, so I'm sure it was humbling and he must really need it. So he's taking me to breakfast Sunday morning then I'll spend a few hours on the yard.

We spoke briefly about him meeting the OM recently, and I asked what he thought. He said the guy seemed level-headed but much older than he expected. He also thought that WW was acting irrational, was not going to end up happy in the long run, and he was glad I had primary custody of the kids. He confided to me that his first wife, from over 35 years ago, had left him for his best friend at the time, so he understands what I'm going through. I had never heard that was what happened before, so I'm glad that he trusts me enough to confide personal info, and hope that I can continue to have a relationship with all of WW's family, who after this many years have become my family too.

[Dawgs]

I could never go back to the M we had before

The thing is, if/when your W comes out of the fog and wants to try again, the M won't be the same. It never will be. I am not saying that it won't work, it just won't be the same - it will be new, different, and stronger. If that makes sense.