She Wants Me to Leave....3rd Time in 4 Years

[NDY]

Small steps for whom? Her or you?

[Huddy]

Who's benefiting from this sudden rush of compassion? Does what she's doing help you, or does it help her do what she's got planned? You've got to remember, at the minute, everything she does is for her benefit, not yours.

[isittoolate]

Feeling a little down and lonely to say the least.

W has been away for 2 nights and is back later today.

OK I went out on Friday and went to Gym yesterday and will play with the Boys later today (bike ride and games) but the whole sitch feels depressing.

Been reading The Passion Trap which does highlight some of the problems that have been in our M.

Me being the one-down partner and her the One-Up.4 years ago she made statements like ' I feel I'm settling for 2nd Best''I feel I picked the wrong 'type'.

These are statements of a One-up Partner. Although I have changed for the better since 4 years ago evidently its not enough - I get the feeling the ILYBINILWY statement means in her eyes She is still the One-Up partner and I am being 'left behind'- so she has lost (or even never really got it back) respect for me and therefore desire.

The remedies in a lot of these self-help books require both parties to work on the M. W has had enough, thinks she's tried hard to right things and ain't willing to carry on being unhappy.

Our frictionless, no argument M has been the downfall. No Arguments, no discussion on feelings, no change.

[Huddy]

Those are hurtful things to come from a spouse. So, how do you react? Do you just take it on the chin, or do you make her think differently? make her respect you. Stand up to her and show her the real IS.

[isittoolate]

Huddy

When we reconcilised 3.5 years ago after me DBing for 6 months and essentially changing from a not very nice person (unsociable with not mates, miserable and passive aggressive) into a much nicer person ....She gave me a list of 15 things to improve or change and a short list of 'thoughts'.

I've listed the ones that were partially or wholly NOT FIXED


1. Snogging - learn what turns me on
2. Arrange overnight childcare so we can go places **This was fixed later as we got a new childminder who could stay overnight** BUT we did less and less trips as the R disintergrated and she became more distant and me more 'paralysed' by fear of a ILYBINILWY speech.
3. Marriage Guidance
4. Take the Lead with Sex

She also wrote me this list of thoughts:

- He's not keeping up with me professionally or physically I got physically fit but professionally I have always been behind her - not massively but she is more ambitious in her career and earns 25% more than me. We work indirectly in the same profession (a specialist medical field) and have many mutual friends and acquaintances across the whole UK -
- I'm supporting his work - no support for mine - just complaint about work/life balance - TOTALLY FIXED I supported her work issues for years and years and even got cards thanking me for my support
- The person I've ended up with is not the person I met in London -A difficult one as in London we fell in love, got engaged, bought a flat, got married and were totally into each other. To maintain that intensity after children is impossible. She harks back to the golden times.

- Sociableness is important to me - together and separately We havent done enough things together for sure - partly I have a circle of friends (men) and she has several circles of girlfriends (gym, school mums,)I have never tried to curtail or control her social life but i also havent made enough effort to make quality time for us together. she always made childcare arrangements for nights out
- I feel that I'm settling for less than I hoped for - not in my nature This one refers to the miserable,passive aggressive and unsupportive man I was before. She never mentioned this last week specifically just the ILYBINILWY words - thought this was pretty much fixed but if she still thinks Im socailly inept and professionally behind her then it rings true.
- the attractions gone - I wish I'd gone for a different type - I thought this referred to the lack of intimacy and sex - physically I am attractive - I guess it also means she had lost respect for me and therefore desire. Does she respect me now? Yes as a partner, but not as a lover


All this is hard to write publically but cuts to the real issues between us:

Sex, intimacy, quality time, keeping up socially and professionally. Respect and desire.

[OhGreat]

Why are you paying so much attention to her nonsense. For better or worse. Seriously bro. Knock her off that pedestal. Let me tell you something, people who really feel superior never have to, or want to or will make anyone else feel inferior. Ever.

[Huddy]

A list? Yeah, she knows how to make a marriage work. So, to look at your last line, who's doing the respecting and desiring here? She gets to decide on your entire life and you just go along with it, or else?

I thought my sitch was bad, but a list! That would have gone straight in the bin. I'm sorry, but she's got you on your knees here it's time for IS to stand up and show her what a man you really are. You've got this, you can do it!

[sandi2]

Sandi2 - Im a little confused as I dont think I have a WW.

How do you define WW? She can be wayward and not be in an affair, if that's what you are thinking. The foundation of waywardness is built before an A even starts.

Look back on page one of this tread. Just this one paragraph is textbook vocabulary for a WW.

She stated how she hadn’t loved me for years and had only reconciled previously to give Us one last chance and for the ‘sake of the children’ and how she needs to be happy. She has spent years making everyone else (me and the kids) happy at the expense of her own happiness and it was time to end it. She wants to be happy and not with me.

I could go along with her degree of unhappiness with the SSM, etc., to a point. I do believe women leave a M b/c they give up and want better for their life. I believe it can happen without a third person in the picture.

The pure selfishness is the motivation of waywardness. If she said she tried again for the sake of the children, and with almost the same breath tells you she is going to end all of that and get what makes her happy, then how would you classify it?

She refuses to work on the M and she puts her own desires above what's best for her children.

Get your focus away from her and the list of things you would have to change to keep her. Don't change yourself just to get her back. That doesn't work. Know why? B/c she'll write a new list!

By all means, improve yourself as a man. You can be better than this, can't you?

[dday]

Sandi is exactly right, as usual. My W had a list of things I needed to fix for her to work on the M. I did all of them, quickly and consistently. She still filed. Changed the "reasons".

Make yourself the best that you can be, and you are a winner either way the M goes

[isittoolate]

Thanks all for your replies. Sometimes the thoughts whirl round and round my head and I need this forum to get them out.

Then you guys shake the wheat from the chaf...thanks again x

I am changing to be the best man I can be and the best Dad to our boys:

I put S8 to bed tonight and he spontaneously said 'ILY Daddy' ...first time for a long time and I nearly cried.

The boys and I are really connecting. We had fun today on a 10 mile bike ride with a stop in the Park.

I'm working away until Wed pm...then back to see my boys. I can GAL with work colleagues who I meet one or twice a year for the next two nights....should be good.