Thank you As. You are right. I hate how this feels like I am playing games, but you are right. I didn't respond to all of his texts yesterday because I was actually really busy. And he text me twice for a phone number, so maybe an hour after the second text I texted back "Google it, I don't have it with me."
I am having a rough day. I took my D to her counseling session today. She is doing SO much better than she was, but still its a huge struggle for her to deal with noises. Mostly noises that I make- she reacts with rage whenever I swallow, yawn, breathe, chew, etc. She will repeat the noise in an exaggerated way, yell at me that I am disgusting, etc. It becomes very depressing to be around her, to be told 100X a day (at least) that I am gross. H and I both trigger her. She can hear the same noise from one of her brothers, or a friend, or even the dog and it is ok. If she keeps her reaction quiet, and doesn't yell at us or mock us, the sound repeats in her head all day and then she gets angrier and doesn't sleep and she just gets mean all around. So basically I am her verbal punching bag. It is a neurological problem called misophonia- and there is no treatment except to manage her stress and her reactions. Her other issues - medical and pyschological- are well managed right now, so that is positive. In the last 6 months she is sleeping and eating better than in her entire life, and has stopped passing out, her heart rate is normalized, and her mood is better than ever.
Anyway, I ended up in tears at the appointment, just broken down, my beautiful D who I love so much cannot tolerate being in my presence, and the only person who can truly understand this is H and, well, you all know, I don't have him any more. I want so much to send her away to boarding school or somewhere so I can have some peace, but she also has other issues (ocd, thyroid disease) and she isn't good with taking her meds and she is just 14 so she needs me. And then she would probably start reacting to other noises and she'd be stuck dealing with this all on her own.
I feel so alone. I can talk to the "misophonia" moms and they get me about her, and I can come here and talk to the DB'ers and you all get me about H, but some days I feel like I am being hit so hard from two directions and I just don't know how I am getting through this. But I am. I am holding my head up and functioning each day, and its not killing me, but then other days, like today, I feel like it might.
I have such bad chest pains too, thought it was stress, but then I realized I did a lot of pushups yesterday because of my new do pushups or clean rule instead of calling H. I am up to 12 pushups now. I do the modified ones so maybe that is cheating? Whether its cheating or not, I am feeling it, so its doing something.
Also S11 is still doing better. Not great, but better. This week has been a huge improvement for him.
I am tired of being strong. I want a man, preferably H, to be at my side, to help me through this, to be a co-parent and a real partner in my life. I miss my H so much. I really do. I don't want him to go away for 6 months. I am scared that if we (me and the kids) do well while he is gone, he will think he is not needed and not come back. I am scared that if we don't do well while he is gone, he won't want to come back to dysfunction. Of course I will do my best for the kids and my best to make sure they thrive. And then he can make his decision at that point.
