I think all of your feelings are normal dday. Don't beat yourself up.

You are going to have to toughen up and detach. I know how hard it is.

I went white knuckle, pitch black NC for a month until she reached out to me. She wanted to know when she could come get her things, ugh! Then we went another 2 weeks pitch black NC. The waiting, obsessing and not knowing created so much anxiety in me. But I kept listening to the vets here, it's really all I could do.

I was worried about every single thing I did. Was it going to
solidify her decision etc??? I was terrified.

My advice to you:

1. Always come here first before doing anything.
2. Never react to something your wife does or says. Come here first and we will talk you through it. Tell her you need some time to reflect on it if she expects you to respond right away.
3. Find things to be thankful for. Literally anything to be thankful for: a sunset, your car, your kids, your friends. Sit and think about how thankful you are for these people/things. Allow yourself to feel thankful. This REALLY helped me once I started doing it everyday.
4. Stay calm. Time is your friend, allow things to play out.
5. Have fun and be adventurous even though you don't feel like it. Force yourself to get outside of your comfort zone.
6. Be the best damn dad there is! Your kids are watching you!

Hang in there buddy, this isn't your life forever.

Thorn