There are 2 central issues that keep setting me back. First, I feel like if I don't try to make connections, or show intimacy towards my W she will just grow further and further apart.
Second, the betrayal really, really hurts. Still. The fact that I have no trust, and assume she still talks to OM (they have to occasionally for work at the very least) makes it hard for me to stay calm during our arguments. I keep giving in and getting in heated, drag-em-out fights.
TL2 - why do you think that during the 9 year period where you were re-engaged she didn't fully commit herself?
I feel like if I don't try to make connections, or show intimacy towards my W she will just grow further and further apart.
I'm no expert but based on MWD's books the opposite is true. The more you pursue, the more she will back off. However, if she indicates she wants some attention from you, that's a different story.
But from what I can tell from your posts, your W has admitted to her mom that she's still emotionally and/or physically involved with the OM! That's a boundary she's crossed that should be unacceptable to you, and which makes her unavailable to you anyway right now. She has to shed him first, no contact, and then you will have to give her time and space to get over it so that she will eventually be open to you again.
That is going to take a while...longer than you want. But you have to stay the course bro.
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the betrayal really, really hurts. Still. ...I keep giving in and getting in heated, drag-em-out fights.
That's why you detach. That's why you GAL. That's why one of the best 180s you can do is to cut that stuff out...because giving in does not produce the result you want. All you're doing is venting all of your negative thoughts and energy at her. Hammering on her like that, even if you have very good reasons to be hurt and angry--and you certainly do--will only make her feel like this is even more hopeless. It will also make her close her heart to you more fully.
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TL2 - why do you think that during the 9 year period where you were re-engaged she didn't fully commit herself?
I don't know fully why. I know that once I experienced initial success I backslid in the following ways:
- I assumed we had resolved our problems through MC when we actually had just taken an emotional break from them without really solving the trust issues and communication issues.
- I let her off the hook on our 'trust, but verify' agreement.
- The trust issue was huge. I should have stayed in IC a much longer time than I did.
- I pushed too hard once we stopped MC for more closeness and intimacy before she was ready.
- I don't think she really got over all of the negative energy I had thrown at her in the past. We had a lot of bad fights and I yelled a lot in the middle years of our marriage.
Nothing shuts a person down, male or female, like being yelled at and devalued like that. Instead of backing off for a longer period, showing her true love and patience until she was able to work her way back to me, I got too aggressive (very high sex drive, unfortunately) and she decided to meet my physical needs and I (not fully realizing it) stopped meeting her main need right then, which was to give her space.
I DB'd pretty good for the first few months...but we had a convo where we decided we had gotten all we could our of MC...and also didn't want to keep spending the money...and once I stopped that and IC, and didn't have someone I wanted to talk to and give some objective feedback about my impulses and my decisions, we (and I) backslid.
Despite the fact that I had ended the angry outbursts years ago, I didn't end the more aggressive pursuit of her physically and sexually and that was still pressure she didn't want. Being me, at that time I just thought I was showing her how much I really wanted her...but all she saw was someone who didn't love and respect her enough to give her more space.
So we made a lot of progress in our M. We got to be much better companions and friends and enjoyed spending time together, things were generally fun and peaceful. But she had never really taken the wall down.
And now I'm likely facing D in the next couple months. If I had stuck to DB'ing years ago, we either would have been divorced then, or I would have at least done a better job in the recent past so that we would both have had a better chance to be happier, and I would have been actually meeting her needs the way she needed them met.
