i have worked very hard on what to say to the kids with IC and a lot of my own thinking. Everytime i asked w what she wanted to say she said "i dont know" I know this is her thing and should let her stumble through it, but the kids are way too important for that and i needed to make sure they are ok. I sent w an email with points and my opinion for a guide to the conversation, I asked for her opinion. I am expecting her to just say it looks good. terrible that i know that is the response she will give, makes me feel she doesnt care.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Kids always think it is their fault their parents are seperating. Keep repeating it over and over.
I have heard that time and time again. Here is a question, when having the talk with the kids - and one parent wants to end the M and the other wants to keep/save it - is it right to tell the kids its a mutual thing? I mean, if it comes to that, I won't do that...I will be there (and tell the truth), of course, but it will up to her to tell them that its her idea. I won't ever lie to my children, period. After all, she is the one who left the marriage and I am not about to agree to that - sort of she made the bed, now she has to lie in it. I firmly believe that divorce isn't the answer.
Is my way wrong?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I struggled with this as well. I then thought about the kids need both parents. I will not jeopardize the relationship with their mother. They will eventually know the truth. I won't deny that I would like it to work out if they ask.
It is very hard to not lie but also protect certain things.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I struggled with this as well. I then thought about the kids need both parents. I will not jeopardize the relationship with their mother. They will eventually know the truth. I won't deny that I would like it to work out if they ask.
It is very hard to not lie but also protect certain things.
I agree. The kids do need both parents, true, and I would never put their mother down, either. But at the same time, going along with it as a "mutual thing" is akin to lying, which is something I can't do to my kids. Imagine what they would think when they find out the truth?
I have a friend whose W wanted a D and they worked on it for almost a year, until she said she was done and wanted to file. So, just before they sat down to tell the kids (ages 8,6, and 3), he told her this: "Tell the kids you don't love us enough to try and that you think its best to break up our family." Now I am not sure if that was the right avenue to take, but she looked at them and couldn't do it. That was years ago and they are happily married now.
Last edited by Evil_E; 10/16/1502:29 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I am no expert but from what I have been reading on the topic and its my understanding its best not to place blame or talk bad about the other parent, the kids have part of that parent in them and this affects their self worth.
I too would like to tell the kids how their mother wants this and I don't... but that is placing blame.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
I too would like to tell the kids how their mother wants this and I don't... but that is placing blame.
Is it placing blame to have her tell them? After all, it IS her idea, no?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Me either! Maybe someone can chime in on his tactic?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Well the kids now know. Was one of the hardest things I have ever done. S4 really doesn't know what is going on. D7 began crying immediately. I was full of tears. I somehow did most of the talking. W did not shed one tear. I don't know what to think about that. We diverted everything int doing something fun but it had some bad effects. D and I will have our own discussion without w.
I am gutted right now. Trying to be strong
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
