Evil_E, we are dealing with something similar here. H is getting orders in three months. H has his own apartment, but is here a lot working on the house to get it ready to sell when he leaves for his next duty station. S17 is graduating from high school this year, so we are sticking it out here until then, but will probably return to my hometown afterwards. It makes for a very awkward situation though because H comes and goes like he lives here. We can't get enough space between us to make him miss us, but we don't get any quality time together to make him want to stay either.
Thank you for responding. How far away will his next duty station be? My W's will be roughly 2 1/2 hours away. Which brings me to this - for a W and mom who supposedly loves her children so much, why is she so resistant to all of us moving with her? I mean, wouldn't a loving mom want her children near hear all the time instead of being a weekend mom? Her excuses for us staying here: 1) great school system and our son is having some trouble but they are helping him; 2) near my family - she has always been big on family support even though they only see my family every two or three weeks (even though we are only 5 mins apart); 3) financial - we currently have two houses (one is rented) and couldn't afford it. I call BS on this one. The area where her next duty station is like job heaven for my field, where I would make much more than am now. I even said I could pay the house here and we could either rent it out or come back every couple of weeks. No go.
Quote:
We can't get enough space between us to make him miss us, but we don't get any quality time together to make him want to stay either.
Same here. How does one get quality time in our situation? My W made the statement in one of our counseling sessions that she doesn't know if she would feel separated because she would come home every weekend... WTF does that mean??
It does seem like we are on similar paths, no?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
That's why they call it the "fog". It's like they temporarily throw all their moral convictions out the window and become narcissists who only care about themselves.
No sense in trying to understand it. It will never make sense.
Hi, Thornton! Thanks for stopping in - how are things going?
I have a question that I would like to have a future answer for. Its been a while, but when things were low for us and more like after the BD, but on a couple of occasions my W has mentioned that if we don't work out she hopes we can be the best of friends. I have no intention of this and feel that if she does file for D, then the best we can be is acquaintances. I believe I read somewhere on here that a poster said "either we are married or will be acquaintances."
Would it it appropriate to tell her that I have no intention of being her friend, pal, buddy, etc., if she ever mentions that again or would that be something best served if she files? I hope my question made sense...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I agree with what the other poster said. But only tell her this if she asks you. Don't bring it up on your own.
I think one of the main keys to DB is that you start to make the WAS feel like they are the LBS. And the only way to do this is with your actions.
You start moving on. You start living your life without them and enjoying it. I think WAS's can feel it when they sense the LBS moving on. The LBS gives off a different energy, and they have a glow about them.
That's why DB always pushes GAL and "acting as if". You have to start making the WAS feel you losing interest (and not in a spiteful angry way). But in a peaceful, loving way.
That's why I keep telling you to stop doing things with her. If she asks to hang out, tell her you have plans (and act excited about the plans when you tell her).
She might resist and act angry and start talking divorce. It's all fluff. She will try to manipulate you to get you connected emotionally because it soothes her. She can leave you and venture out on her own and have the comfort of knowing you will be waiting if she decides to change her mind.
You do not want her to feel comfortable right now.
You HAVE to get over your fear of losing her before you can get her back.
You HAVE to get over your fear of losing her before you can get her back.
Make sense?
Perfect sense! Thank you for stopping in and giving me some much needed advice. I see what you are saying and am feeling better about doing just what you say. I will admit, its tough and scary, but I have a plan. She texted earlier about all of us maybe going out to eat Saturday...I haven't answered yet but I think I will say no because I want to watch the game. I guess that's a baby step for me, haha.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I wouldn't be so specific about the reasons for not being available - You can just say - no thanks, I already have plans, and leave it there.
As for the 'friends after D' thing. Thornton has already given good advice there. If my H ever asks me this Q, I plan to say...Aah, that's nice, but I don't really think that's going to work for me...
Last edited by Sotto; 10/16/1502:37 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
As for the 'friends after D' thing. Thornton has already given good advice there. If my H ever asks me this Q, I plan to say...Aah, that's nice, but I don't really think that's going to work for me...
Thank you, Sotto! I like that and may steal it for my own use!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Even better, find some friends to watch the game with away from home.
"Sorry, can't make dinner on Saturday. A bunch of us are getting together to watch the game and grill some brats."
Now that sounds perfect!
So, let me ask ya'll this - I got a phone call from my step FIL asking for my W's phone number so they could call and wish her happy bday, which I found very odd because I know they have her number. At any rate, we talked for a little bit and I suspect the real reason for the call came out when he mentioned (more like indirectly asked) that my MIL wasn't all that happy with my actions. Seems that my "snooping" when gathering intel about the EA was told to her family, but she conveniently forgot to mention the reason why I did it. So, to all of her family with whom I really do (or did) have a great relationship, now think I snoop in all her stuff and did all of these other things.... I kept it very civil because I like him, so I just said that there is a whole lot more to the story that isn't being told and left it at that. Was that an appropriate response?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
So, I am sitting here at work (it is a slow day) wondering how all of this mess happened. Just how does everyone not think of their situation? I seriously have trouble shelving things and am down a bit now. I just can't stop thinking about my W and the M. The sad thing is, I have a gut feeling that my M is over yet I want it to be fixed more than anything. I guess another poster's thread about the holidays really hit me.
And then there was the whole FIL thing that also got me to thinking. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. For the majority of time, the only things I do with the W are family centered. With her moving to another base in a couple of months, I just can't see not doing this, although I know I need to really cut our contact. My thinking is that our young kids need the family unit and will more than ever when she leaves.
I try so hard to put on the good face, yet my heart is breaking so bad inside. I just never understood how someone could be so loving up to Valentine's Day turn around and BD in March.
Right now its my kids keeping me grounded. If not for them, I just don't know.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
