I know that we dont tend to see eye to eye on many things here, but I will keep giving you my opinion anyway. Feel free to ignore it.
Something is happening and I'm worried about it.
My wife moved out 6 days ago. Our plan was to remain friends, and have dinner together with the kids once a week. People here have advised me to not push for being friends, and to back off as much as possible. In this first week in separate houses, I have not called her, emailed, or texted her. I saw her once at the kid's soccer game and we chatted for a few minutes. That's it. This sounds good. How does this make YOU feel?
Today she called to talk to the boys. My parents were here visiting, which she was unaware of. She was very close to my parents. I told her my parents were here, just because I didn't want to seem like I was hiding it, and I figured the boys might mention it to her. I could tell in her voice, she was a little shaken that they were here and she didn't even know. I asked her a question and there was a pause before she could answer, I think she was choked up.
She said, "I have to say, something has changed about you." I asked what she meant. She said the week went by and I didn't call to ask about our plan to have dinner together as a family as we had discussed. She said it was obvious that I was changing. I said I don't mean to be changing WHAT? Why did you say this. ARENT you TRYING to change yourself for the BETTER???, and I do still want to have dinner together but I think I need a week or two with the new living arrangements before I'm ready for it. She said that was fine. Look back at this, and let me know your opinion. Does sound like it's coming from a place of strength? It makes it seems like youre AVOIDING her because it HURTS too much. I dont really think thats the message you want to convey.
Then she asked if the boys could come over to her house on Sunday, which is supposed to be my day, just for a short visit. she wanted to make sure they knew which house was hers when they get off the bus and to see what their new rooms look like. I thought for a second and thought about DB. I said I guess it is OK, but didn't we agree that they would stay with me for the week and couldn't they just take the bus home to her house on Monday as planned? She said OK, that's fine, she'll pick them up at school. Good! I think part of it was that she wanted the kids to see her house but I wonder if she was just missing them. Then she said again that I was changing. I said I was just trying to give her the space I thought she wanted. I asked her what she meant again and she said, it's OK, we don't have to discuss it, but it was obvious, and that she should have expected it. I said OK, do you want to talk to the kids then? and she said yes, so I put the kids on the phone.... It felt very uncomfortable. Its going to be uncomfortable. You want to be married and she doesnt. She knows she is hurting you. Shes hurting. Nothing is going to be easy.
I'm not sure how to interpret this. I was doing everything I could to back off, and live the DB way. I didn't call to arrange the dinner. I didn't call at all. I didn't initiate any contact. She obviously noticed, and the fact that my parents were here visiting without her knowledge also evoked something in her. I dont really understand what the problem is. It sounds like you were doing well...?
Maybe this is having the desired effect....Maybe she is missing my parents and sad that they don't want to see her. maybe she is missing the kids. Maybe she didn't like being alone for a week. But I'm worried that my backing off is really going to push her away. How is this pushing her away? SHE asked YOU about the dinners right? She said she should have expected it. I am worried that she's going to just push forward, and it might even make things easier for her, knowing that I'm not trying to pull her back anymore. Its scary. A very wise woman told me the following: FAITH and FEAR cannot coexist. Which do you have, Gabs? I'm worried that my backing off is going to make a wall between us and she is going to move further away from me. Now she can break off completely, stop worrying about how I'm doing... .another step "forward." Do you think it would be easier or harder for her to make those steps if you were knocking down her door trying to see her?
A part of me wants to send her an email tonight and say that we should plan our first dinner together. I could continue with my plan to be "friends without pursuit" but not back off so much that I'm being aloof and avoiding contact. You can either pursue or not pursue. I dont think there is a middle ground, really. Nobody says to be aloof and to avoid contact. Those are your interpretations of the rules. What you should do is not INITIATE contact. I don't like the way it feels and I'm worried that it's pushing her away. Faith or fear, good buddy? She was going to go to the Farmer's Market tomorrow where my band is playing and now she said she won't come, I guess because she assumes my parents will be there and it would be weird. Or maybe because I am backing off so much she feels uncomfortable around me now. It isnt your backing off that is making her uncomfortable. Im guessing its spending a week in a quiet house full of boxes by herself thats making her uncomfortable. I think being friends without pursuit might have been safer and better. Safer for WHO? Better for WHO? Maybe I'm backing off too much and it's going to backfire. In the end, it isnt the BACKING OFF that is the key. The key is your own self-improvement. The backing off is needed to give you the space to do that. You have to stop focusing on her so much. I know it's hard. But its so important.
What do you have planned for next week without the kids?
