Perhaps he feels guilty and thinks coming clean is the only way he can get it off his mind. I would not look at it like he is trying to hurt you unless of course his tone and body language showed it was to hurt you.
The more important question would be why he wanted to run off into tbe sunset. What was he looking to find? It was a fantasy for him. Even if he did go off chances are it would have never competed with the fanfasy in his head.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Try looking at it from another angle, he's confessing, He's telling you she's gone for good and is nowhere near. Many would kill for a message like that. Yes it's outside the MC room, yes he's broken a rule you'd agreed on but this, on the face of it, should be encouraging news. Your glass is half full Ancaire, try making yourself see it that way as much as possible.
There's going to be gut wrenching stuff, some is already out, but it's history and is not going to change, so prepare for it but see it in the wider context of starting a new R, with a clean slate, no secrets. It's a far better staging platform than lots of unknowns potentially eating away at you, building resentment...
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Yes, he's confessing. Every confession is killing me. My guilt is so strong, I'm choking with it. Why, oh why, wasn't I a better wife when I needed to be? I thought he was so much stronger - it's really a shock to find out I'm the one with all the hidden reserves.
Avanti, you are correct. My strongest desire is for a NEW marriage, one so much better than the last. It will be easier with the truth out there than wondering what else I'm going to find out 5 years down the road.
I'm being as calm as I can be when talking to H, and venting my thoughts and feelings here. If I told him how broken and weak I see him right now, I don't think it would be very helpful.
My glass is half-full. He still speaks to me. He's still planning to attend MC and Retrouvaille with me. He cares about me. He's beginning to remember that I am actually a really good person. He realizes what harm his recent actions have done to our children. I've shocked the crap out of him by fighting to remain married. I've shocked him even more with my willingness and commitment to forgive him.
I'm physically ill today. My head is pounding and I've been throwing up since morning - but no fever. I know it's stress. We all know I'm supposed to avoid that - but this situation is more than my body can handle. I'm grateful he's out of town until this weekend.
I'm trying. I'm really trying, I promise you that.
Ancaire, I threw up almost every day for a month after BD, I understand. It is a shock, on every level. You are not weak. You have been so strong, such a rock, such a good strong friend to everyone here. I think your feelings need to be expressed, your reactions are completely normal, let them out and don't be afraid of your pain. You don't need to be strong 24/7, you can and should break down sometimes, you need to. Let it out. Cry, stay in bed today. If you keep it all in it will come out in unexpected ways, in sickness, in rage, in who knows what. Its ok to have a bad day. Its part of the process. You are going to be ok.
We all know you are trying hard Ancaire, sorry if you thought I was being tough on you, it was far from my intention to be so.
Think of your sitch this way, if you can survive it with such grace, there's not much in the world that's going to challenge you from now on.
Relax a bit, take a bath, listen to some soothing music, pamper yourself, breath and chill. Start building that picture in your mind and start to believe it can happen.
The mediation will really help with the mental monsters, it does take a bit of time and practice though, it's not an immediate fix but it's pretty quick if you accept it and follow the guidance given.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti - I didn't think you were being tough on me. I love the way you see things so clearly, and love even more that you share your thoughts and ideas. Please, never stop!!!
Photo - I can't cry anymore...my head would literally explode! LOL I was just sharing/journaling...I'm fine. I try to share what's happening in my life, because I know people are trying to learn from what's going on in my situation, and I feel compelled to be as honest as I can be, in case it helps someone else.
I'm totally going to put into practice Avanti's suggestion to meditate on my positive outcome, though. I need to work out the steps to get there, and until I really see what it is I'm longing for, I can't decide how to get from A to B. I kind of look at it as a map. I want to get to the park, but there are streams, roads, and mountains to bypass to get there. I need to visualize the path, or something awful could happen and I would never arrive!
Retrouvaille information, for those who are curious:
Go to the main website, .org
You look for meetings somewhere near you. The meeting closest to our city didn't start until April of next year, so I found a city about an hour and a half away that started in October. You have to pay a non-refundable deposit to sign up, so I asked H, he said ok, and I paid the very reasonable deposit.
After sign-up, a representative contacts the person who signed up. They ask if spouse is aware, and ask a series of questions. I can't remember them all, but the three that really stick out are:
"Are you committed to working on your marriage?" "If there is another person involved, we require you to break that off before attending. Are you prepared to do that?" "If you are attending MC, please inform your therapist that you are attending Retrouvaille."
They go on to explain a little about the program and what to expect that weekend. They are a donation supported group, so they ask that in addition to your deposit, you be prepared to donate what you can at the end of the weekend. If you can't afford anymore, that is okay. You are asked to bring snacks to share with 15 other people, because most attendees are stressed, and like to nibble.
You have the main weekend, which lasts Friday through Sunday. (Meals are provided.) Then you have 6 follow-up weekends (one afternoon) to attend where you continue building on what you learned.
After talking to the person who signs up, they then contact the spouse and ask the same series of questions. I know H talked to them, because he told me he did. He is aware of the time commitment, too, and still willing to go.
I just received a letter from them, which goes over all this again, and stresses that if you are not willing to put in the work, or willing to give up Other Person, not to bother attending. It only works if you are prepared to do the work. I put it on H' s desk, so he'll have to see it. I will ask to make sure he did.
If he states no objection after that, I'll really start to feel hopeful. He can be in no doubt that we are "working things out".
After the weekend, I will of course be back here to tell you all about it! They boast an 80% success rate of saving marriages, no matter how troubled. That's really something to be excited about. I have to figure with their stance on OP' s and substance abuse, most of the 20% that don't make it, probably have major issues or a lying spouse.
H has a pool tournament this weekend. Then the next weekend, we start to really put in the work. I'm hyperventilating! LOL
I hope it helps your marriage evolve to it greatest potential. At the least you should have a good idea of where he stands in relation to you and the marriage.
I wish I had profound wisdom to impart to you. Sorry, all I have my mantra of patience, kindness, compassion and understanding. That's all you need for a marriage or for raising children. Actually that's all you need in life. I wish I believed that in my heart 20 years ago like I do now.
Thank you for your support, you have be very kind to me and I greatly appreciate your thoughts. I have a good feeling about your situation even though it will not be easy.
Judy. Even though it is painful your husband is being honest and confessing. That is a good sign AND he is willing to go to MC and Retrovaille. I soooo want that. I think you have done everything right. You acted right away. I have been asking for honesty for years and I thing I gave H space when he asked for it and that gave him the freedom and now he is gone.
Jpeg, I gave mine space, too. I was supposed to stop pursuing and work on me. During that brief period is when he met his "tru luv"...
I know he would have done it in any case...I think that's what all this was about. He told me he wanted to date other people. I just didn't realize he meant instantaneously. Jerk.
On the other hand, I think we can surmise from recent events, his choice to abandon his wife and family didn't work out quite the way he had planned. His kids are disgusted with his behavior. His wife doesn't trust him or look up to him anymore.
I am so very glad, though, that early on I told him I didn't want that old marriage back either. I told him our choices were D or MC, but we could not go back to that. Then I refused to help him with his D, since I thought it was the wrong thing to do. I was fine setting up temporary spousal support though, remember? That's when reality began to hit him.
I think I'm on the upside of this thing...but I am terrified to believe it. All the wise folks here say time and patience is needed in any case, so I'll just make it through one day at a time, and see what happens.
You didn't do anything wrong. These WS's have their own rulebook - I think they have to pass some sort of insanity test before they get their copy. Clearly, their minds have fled.
