confused newbie 4

[Ancaire]

tl2 - Yeah! You are gaining insight and compassion, and they are both requirements for true forgiveness one day.

As much as I dislike present circumstances (dislike being far too moderate a term) I can clearly see how much it forced me to grow up! I played a role in the breakdown of our M. I accept that and also see to what extent my role pushed H down a path he never intended to take. I know I can forgive him. At this moment, I'm not telling him too much about it, because he's not "all in." He needs to earn his place back, or he will never respect me again.

I know that on one level. On the other, I feel so badly for him I want to make it easy for him. Thanks to forum members, I know to resist the impulse. Right now, H still sees me as the problem. I feel so badly for him...stuck with a loyal, forgiving, compassionate, faithful wife. Poor thing. I hope he wakes up before doing any more damage.

DBing is HARD! But I want a great marriage - so I'm willing to put in the work.

[dday]

Ancaire, I believe that you are on the right road there. I hope someday, my W decides to join me in having a great M. Don't have any signs of that yet, but I am still hopeful.

Hard to have hope, no expectations and detach at the same time.

[tl2]

Detachment and no expectations are very practical and pragmatic demonstrations of hope.

Expecting, longing, sadness, etc. are the antithesis of hope.

Detaching and getting on with your life is the most hopeful, affirming, positive thing you can do.

[gs9]

Ancaire, I believe that you are on the right road there. I hope someday, my W decides to join me in having a great M. Don't have any signs of that yet, but I am still hopeful.

Me too Dday. Keeping hope alive for me, you and everyone on here.

Hard to have hope, no expectations and detach at the same time.

I was just talking about this on my thread earlier today. Hope and detachment are like water and oil. Hard to mix em.

[Ancaire]

Detachment. Hope. I've struggled with both. Some would argue I'm not really detached, but I've found ways to pretend I am.

I keep hope in a treasure box. I store it deep in my heart. Every once in a while, I'll take it out and look at it - but I always put it back. I refuse to let go of hope - I just keep it put in a safe place, kind of like a candle in the window. I can't see anything with it, but it comforts me knowing it's there.

Detachment is something I kind of force. I take an imaginary step outside my mind when I'm in the moment with H. I talk with him, validate what he's saying, and learn as much as I can from what he says. I force myself to be numb in the moment. It is not easy. I walk in the room with him, or he enters a room where I'm at, or calls - I immediately remind myself to go "numb". He can't affect me unless I let him.

You all know I'm more successful with this sometimes better than others. However, it really, truly helps. I try to pretend I'm looking at the situation in front of me with "secret eyes". One version of me is interacting, while the real me is off watching the entire thing like a movie. It takes practice.

I practice when I'm being really emotional all by myself. I'm hurting, I'm crying, totally breaking down. I begin a dialogue with myself. "What are you upset about?" "Why do you think you feel this way?" Etc. Yes. I answer myself, too, because it forces me to calm down.

If anyone walked in, I would look insane. I don't care. I'm teaching myself how to think in the moment and detach from the feelings. Each interaction with H, continues to go better and better. I'm able to hold it together in the moment, for the most part, and go react in private or come here and vent.

None of you are allowed to make fun of me! I'm trying to share what helps me learn to both keep hope alive while working on detachment at the same time. I'm not perfect, God knows, but I'm giving it all I have.

[dday]

I do have a lot of hope for all of us. You all are like a surrogate family now. It's weird that I can write my true feelings here, and not care about being judged. I am working on that in the real world too. I'm getting there, but the one I want to tell I'd the one I am not supposed to, due to pressure. Ironic or what, I don't know. Luckily, baseball is over so I won't have several games a week to interact with her. That should help quite a bit. This still [censored], but I have had a decent day after the rough morning. Kept busy with the extended family

[gs9]

No way we'd make fun of you. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. It helps to hear how others are being successful with this.

[Fogg]

This is a difficult process, maybe the most difficult thing we will experience in life and it does help to use the forum as help. Just be careful it doesn't occupy your only source of support because you really need a support system of people you can see face to face. Men's groups can be very helpful if you can find one.

It's good you had family to spend time with today.

[dday]

I feel much more peaceful when I am not around W. That's not to say that I don't want to be with her. But, in the current state of M, I have a hard time not being pushy and slightly needy. So, it is easier for me when I am not in contact with her.

Maybe, after our conversation the other day, if I can hold out on contacting her she will see that I am in a different place than I was a month ago. I am far from detached, but I am much more disappointed in her. I KNOW that I can be fine without her. Life is a lot less comfortable right now, financially, socially, and with the boys.

I don't feel like I am as CD with her. I function normally, cook, clean, etc. Which is stuff that she did before. I don't need her approval to be ok anymore. Maybe I have detached a little and became more self sufficient too.

Still holding onto hope. Maybe I need a little box to keep it in too Ancaire? I like that concept.

Well, back to farming stuff. At least the big tractors are really cool toys! I feel like my boys around these things!

[mutatio]

Hi dday, sounds like your making slow steady progress forward. I think this is the best way to make lasting change in yourself.

I'm sorry but I've forgotten, is your wife in IC? If so do you think it's helping? The reason I'm asking is my wife is and I think it's making it worse for me. Is you wife working on herself in any way?

Are you knowledgeable in aspects of farming? If so I may have a question or two.