More questions: What has the sharing percentage turned out to be? Official over nights as well as actual time shared? And I'm going to throw something radical out there -- what if Wednesday becomes H's day? Would that create an imbalance or a disruption for S? Could you trade those two hours for a different two hours during the week? Just trying to think outside the box. What you are doing is not working. And you can either lay down the law to enforce what you have, or you can change what you have. Neither one is right or wrong. Explore some options, here.
More questions: What has the sharing percentage turned out to be? Official over nights as well as actual time shared? And I'm going to throw something radical out there -- what if Wednesday becomes H's day? Would that create an imbalance or a disruption for S? Could you trade those two hours for a different two hours during the week? Just trying to think outside the box. What you are doing is not working. And you can either lay down the law to enforce what you have, or you can change what you have. Neither one is right or wrong. Explore some options, here.
Thank you Sunny - I do value these discussions with you. the sharing percentage is 60/40 during the school year and he has to make up the extra overnights during the summer and school breaks to make the calendar year 50/50. I believe he has 21 overnights to make up. Wednesdays are set up the way they are because of his work schedule. He doesn't get off work until 7:00 pm. Which is why I pick him up from school and get to see him until 7:00 so that he doesn't go more than 3 days without Mom. I can't trade the hours because he works from 4pm to 2am every day. We set it up for me to have that dinner time on Wednesdays so he doesn't go 3 days without seeing Mom.
I understand where you are coming from Sunny, I really do. I do believe that I do have to enforce the rules and set this boundary. H is used to me rolling over and letting him do whatever he wanted because it is what is easiest on him. This is me being EP 2.0, no more door mat. I would like the respect of being considered when our child is concerned.
Last edited by ep0215; 10/16/1501:36 AM.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I should say that he had his schedule changed when he left so that he could work days on Wed to have that extra overnight. Friday - Monday he works 4pm to 2am
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Wednesdays are set up the way they are because of his work schedule. He doesn't get off work until 7:00 pm. Which is why I pick him up from school and get to see him until 7:00 so that he doesn't go more than 3 days without Mom. I can't trade the hours because he works from 4pm to 2am every day. We set it up for me to have that dinner time on Wednesdays so he doesn't go 3 days without seeing Mom.
I understand where you are coming from Sunny, I really do. I do believe that I do have to enforce the rules and set this boundary. H is used to me rolling over and letting him do whatever he wanted because it is what is easiest on him. This is me being EP 2.0, no more door mat. I would like the respect of being considered when our child is concerned.
OK, then if Wednesdays are your days, and you want to enforce that, why is your email about a day's notice on schedule changes? Wednesday is not his day. Tell him so. I get that you are asking for a day's notice if he wants to change the schedule, in this case, take your time, but really, that's not the issue. The issue is that he believes it's OK to hijack your time on a regular basis. That's the behavior you need to put a stop to. Explain to him that Wednesday afternoons are your day, please do not make plans for S during that time. Period. In this case, it doesn't really matter if he gives you notice that he wants to hijack or not, if your answer is no, then it's no the day before and the day of. Right? Do you see where I'm coming from here?
Yes thank you. I think that was a point in my head but I just didn't know how to express it. I am going to write another draft
Ok, I think you have it, but let me just clarify. There are two different possibilities: 1. H, you can have S any Wednesday you want, I just need 24 hours notice, please. 2. H, I don't care if you give me 24 hours notice, three days, or two weeks, Wednesday is mine, please don't make plans for S that afternoon.
There. Much clearer to me, anyway. And it matters which one is your stance, two very different conversations with H.
I am okay with number 1 but I feel like if I give an inch he takes a mile
Then why don't you go with #2 for a while? Phrased more diplomatically, of course. And then, over time, as all three of you get settled in, you can shift as you need it. Maybe if things are working out well and H is following the plan, you could be the one to suggest that H/MIL take a Wednesday afternoon occasionally. But not the other way around.
Our parenting plan is going to say next to nothing, because we work it out on an ad hoc basis. But you are not in that position, you need something more spelled out right now. And that's OK, enforce what you have for a while, and let things take their course as S gets older and as you and H settle into co-parenting.
Do you get along with MIL? Maybe you could invite her to join you on an outing that's clearly your time? Just to make her feel included?
And it matters which one is your stance, two very different conversations with H.