Detachment. Hope. I've struggled with both. Some would argue I'm not really detached, but I've found ways to pretend I am.
I keep hope in a treasure box. I store it deep in my heart. Every once in a while, I'll take it out and look at it - but I always put it back. I refuse to let go of hope - I just keep it put in a safe place, kind of like a candle in the window. I can't see anything with it, but it comforts me knowing it's there.
Detachment is something I kind of force. I take an imaginary step outside my mind when I'm in the moment with H. I talk with him, validate what he's saying, and learn as much as I can from what he says. I force myself to be numb in the moment. It is not easy. I walk in the room with him, or he enters a room where I'm at, or calls - I immediately remind myself to go "numb". He can't affect me unless I let him.
You all know I'm more successful with this sometimes better than others. However, it really, truly helps. I try to pretend I'm looking at the situation in front of me with "secret eyes". One version of me is interacting, while the real me is off watching the entire thing like a movie. It takes practice.
I practice when I'm being really emotional all by myself. I'm hurting, I'm crying, totally breaking down. I begin a dialogue with myself. "What are you upset about?" "Why do you think you feel this way?" Etc. Yes. I answer myself, too, because it forces me to calm down.
If anyone walked in, I would look insane. I don't care. I'm teaching myself how to think in the moment and detach from the feelings. Each interaction with H, continues to go better and better. I'm able to hold it together in the moment, for the most part, and go react in private or come here and vent.
None of you are allowed to make fun of me! I'm trying to share what helps me learn to both keep hope alive while working on detachment at the same time. I'm not perfect, God knows, but I'm giving it all I have.
