Yes, he's confessing. Every confession is killing me. My guilt is so strong, I'm choking with it. Why, oh why, wasn't I a better wife when I needed to be? I thought he was so much stronger - it's really a shock to find out I'm the one with all the hidden reserves.
Avanti, you are correct. My strongest desire is for a NEW marriage, one so much better than the last. It will be easier with the truth out there than wondering what else I'm going to find out 5 years down the road.
I'm being as calm as I can be when talking to H, and venting my thoughts and feelings here. If I told him how broken and weak I see him right now, I don't think it would be very helpful.
My glass is half-full. He still speaks to me. He's still planning to attend MC and Retrouvaille with me. He cares about me. He's beginning to remember that I am actually a really good person. He realizes what harm his recent actions have done to our children. I've shocked the crap out of him by fighting to remain married. I've shocked him even more with my willingness and commitment to forgive him.
I'm physically ill today. My head is pounding and I've been throwing up since morning - but no fever. I know it's stress. We all know I'm supposed to avoid that - but this situation is more than my body can handle. I'm grateful he's out of town until this weekend.
I'm trying. I'm really trying, I promise you that.
