LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (2)

[gs9]

gnicks, you are still seriously attached to your WW and her emotional train ride. You need to get off the train and quickly. You are only hurting yourself and slowing your healing.

I'm trying to get off the train. I'm trying to detach with out closing the door on R. I have always been an all or nothing person. I either do something or don't do it. 100% or nothing. Every time I've ended a relationship, it's over and I have nothing to do with them again.

How do you detach and get off the train but still hope for R? Trying to navigate this process.

Remember, this is the woman who recently practically accused you of domestic abuse to get you out of the house. She is not thinking straight and is going to be all over the map. You cannot trust her judgement or her motives. She is looking out for herself. Do not fall for her manipulation. The tears, breakdowns, and confessions are all part of the wayward script. She might really be feeling those things temporarily, or it might just be a superb acting performance. And it's almost guaranteed that she's going to be feeling something totally different in a short time.

I get it. Thank you for the reminder. I don't trust her but I want to. I know I can't though and she is running on pure emotion right now. I am hopeful she snaps out of it.

Please try to focus on you and your beautiful daughter, who needs to have at least one stable parent - that is your job now, because your W is NOT thinking rationally. Regarding being friends with your W, I think it would be impossible at this time. I never say never, and maybe that would be an option way down the road, but don't even consider it right now. You communicate to her that friendship is not an option, and if she feels the same, good. A WS often plays the friendship card in an attempt to relieve their own guilt, and us poor LBS eagerly grab up every little morsel of attention. All it does it keep you attached and gives the WS plenty of cake.

I will not be her friend. I appreciate Sandi sharing her story and being given the opportunity to firmly state this fact to WW.

Have you spoken to an attorney yet?

I have before this last incident and I will again prior to us going to court.

Please take precautions and try to minimize time around your W. She cannot be trusted.

I have been. She went out last night. I'm going out tonight. She'll be gone for the weekend. Really trying to minimize the time around her to decrease the chance for any incidence and increase the chance for her to see/feel what she is missing. Oddly, I'm finding I don't miss her when she isn't around. I know it's bc I don't like the person she has become and I know I will not go back to an abusive R. So if she's not willing to get help I don't want to be with her or around her. I'm really in a pretty good place. She will either pursue me and the M, she'll get the help to be healthy and we will have a very healthy M or.....she will go through with the D and I will not have to deal with her BS anymore.

Hang in there, you are going to make it through this.

Thank you for the encouragement. I know I will make it through. I am trying to not make any mistakes. I know I will but I want to be sure 5 years from now I can look back and know that I never gave up and I did all I could to save the M and our family.

[gs9]

You said you wouldn't leave the house. She said you shoved her. Now she's being nice. I think it's all a form of manipulation.

Stay the course. Cordial but firm.

Yes, it is all manipulation.

The cordial but firm stance is working. I will stay the course.
I've been receiving more respect, gentleness, and even apologies plus it's creating boundaries which are great for me and D4. I am no longer a doormat

[CaliGuy]

G

So far everyone who has posted has been telling you what? You aren't detached ... Ever stop to think about why? Typically the LBH fears if he detaches he will lose his W .... Guess what, you can not lose a bird who has long since flown out of the cage... She is already gone. And like a bird you might see her on a tree limb, power line... What happens if you try to catch her? Yup... She flies away... Your approach should be more about doing your thing, if the bird arrives... Great but you know you can never cage that bird ... Make your surrounding more attractive ... Make yourself better... Let that bird be a bird ... It's never going to be a cat or a dog

Fear

fear is at the root of control, you are walking on eggshells trying to nice your W back into the M, not going to happen... A woman can not love a man whine she does not respect. She is controlling g the situation by manipulation and you are not helping matters staying attached to those puppet strings ... I use Clint Eastwood as a visual in most situations ... What would he do with a sink ful of dishes... Ponder do I wash them/not wash them? Do you really think a plate or 3 is going to save your marriage?? She just days ago accused you of a physical attack , then you awaken to her apologizing ..... Yeah that's 5 gallons of crazy you need to let her go and figure herself out

As far as the affair.. Citing the date ... You need to continuously tell her you are sorry for your actions, you can not change the past, if you could there are a lot of things you would do differently ... Then end it.

As far as God... Yeah sometimes you have to give your M to him, pray that you do not understand this all but above all that as a Believer you trust in Him and His plan.... his plan not yours ... That's where we all struggle is it not... When our plan no longer is clear to us... he knows best. I can attest that I would have NEVER learned the lessons I needed without going through what I went through, what I continue to go through... And I still know he is in full control of all this ... That epiphany saved not only my M... More importantly ME

[gs9]

So far everyone who has posted has been telling you what? You aren't detached

Very true. I'm trying to detach. I need to quit trying and just do it. I find myself wondering about everything. Trying to solve a puzzle that's missing a ton of pieces. No reason to try to start to solve it.

Fear

fear is at the root of control, you are walking on eggshells trying to nice your W back into the M, not going to happen.

Walking on eggshells is something I did all through our M. No more! I've stopped worrying about making her angry. Her anger is her problem

A woman can not love a man whine she does not respect.

I've set boundaries and I'm standing up to her. I have seen her beginning to respect me.

She is controlling g the situation by manipulation and you are not helping matters staying attached to those puppet strings

I'm doing my best to recognize the manipulation and not fall into these traps

I use Clint Eastwood as a visual in most situations ... What would he do with a sink ful of dishes... Ponder do I wash them/not wash them? Do you really think a plate or 3 is going to save your marriage??

I do not. But I also don't want to make things worse. The dishes would be just one house task. I guess the question should be " do the dishes in the sink bother me?" They do not bother me so I should only do the dishes if I feel like doing the dishes/running the vacuum/ making the bed etc etc....
This makes more sense to me and is me taking care of me.

She just days ago accused you of a physical attack , then you awaken to her apologizing ..... Yeah that's 5 gallons of crazy you need to let her go and figure herself out

I wish she was only 5 gallons of crazy. 5 gallons I could handle

As far as the affair.. Citing the date ... You need to continuously tell her you are sorry for your actions, you can not change the past, if you could there are a lot of things you would do differently ... Then end it.

I spent almost a year apologizing for it and asking for forgiveness. I stopped apologizing when she started cheating. Should I validate her feelings but not apologize? Is that how validating works?

above all that as a Believer you trust in Him and His plan.... his plan not yours ... That's where we all struggle is it not... When our plan no longer is clear to us... he knows best. I can attest that I would have NEVER learned the lessons I needed without going through what I went through, what I continue to go through... And I still know he is in full control of all this ... That epiphany saved not only my M... More importantly ME

I know with out Him I would have never made it this far. He has done a great work in me over the last 15 months and He will be faithful to complete it. I do struggle daily to take my hands off the situation and have to remind myself several times a day to give WW and M to Him.

Thank you for the constant reminders.

[otw]

Hope and detachment are a funny mixture. I struggle with it

[gs9]

Hope and detachment are a funny mixture. I struggle with it

Like water and oil

[CaliGuy]

G

Detachment is not something that one "just does" .... It's gradual and slow, just as are all things that truly take root... For instance the changes one makes in themselves, when you set a goal to lose 20lbs you work at it and measure the progress.... You do not just chop off your legs ... Detachment is similar

Seems to be some confusion about detachment ... I think there is a post about it somewhere. For me... Dead serious ... I struggled with it, 2 years later I'm not so sure I ever really did detach but I did arrive to a place of indifference, what my W did or didn't do no longer played with my emotions... Sure some things pissed me off but so did things a coworker did and I accepted them the same

The trick to this is to become a better version of yourself ... Not to win W back, but because you refuse to be defined by something out of your control. The BD can shake one to his core, we lose our sense of self, our esteem is shot, I argue it's a thicker fog for us than for them.... Difference is we navigate out of it much faster because there are no outside influences keeping us in the fog

So ... Make some goals, think about what kind of person you want to become ... I transformed myself into Cali 2.0 and he is a MUCH better version than I ever would have imagined 2 1/2 years ago... That's the only thing we can control, our own growth from all this .... The rest is wasted energy

[gs9]

Thanks Cali, I believe I'm making progress everyday and I'm trying to focus on D4, me and on the positives. Had a really good afternoon/ evening. Didn't hardly think about her at all. I hit the casino and played poker til the wee hours of the morning, didn't get home til 5am. Of course this means I slept about 40 minutes before needing to go to work but a day of Rockstars and fat burning pills will push me through .

I'm feeling the indifference. I'm settling into a place where I know there is an end to this and I will either have a W who shows true remorse, repentance and a commitment to pursuing a very healthy self and M or she won't and I won't have to put up with her BS every day. Either way I'm not going back to the abusive M I was in and that is a great future for me and the kids.

[gs9]

Need to check in with you all.

We went to a mediator and basically only sorted out a parenting plan. Now my WW has an idea to use a different schedule which I'm fine with but she wants to see another mediator to do the new plan and finances. Our finances should be easy because we're splitting everything and our income has been close until this year and the jump in my income is based on several real estate closings which shouldn't affect the financial agreement moving forward. I did lawyer about this.

Anyway, I jumped online and used Rocket Lawyer to create a new parenting plan. I plan to present it to her this weekend. Is this a solid DB strategy?

[CaliGuy]

It's solid you if it's about protecting yourself and the children... Not if your are looking to get a reaction

For me and the mediation, I accepted that D was what W felt she needed/wanted and I respected that, that being said it wasn't something I wanted ... Had it been I would not have been here. I did not help in setting these things up, I did however like you ... Found out what my rights were and I more than once voiced I would not settle for anything less than what I felt was fair. Not mean not angry.. But firm and confident I would walk away just fine... I was able to remove the emotions in the mediation process, even was happy n chipper understanding that this was on her, her choice ... And I would make lemonade out of the lemons she was trying to throw at me.

Parenting plan.... I think shows strength and something a concerned and involved father would put into place to protect his rights to the kids ... So yeah I think it's solid provided you aren't trying to guilt her or force her hand in someway