I think it really is over this time

[dwh15]

Talking with W yesterday (again, kid stuff) she said she really appreciated my giving her space and time to think these last couple of weeks, how it was a nice surprise from what she expected. I validated, I think:

"I do see better how you needed that, and how my communication style tends to be more aggressive than necessary. I'm sorry you didn't feel that you could have that space without leaving, and I do appreciate your taking steps to truly solve problems."

The thing is...that wasn't BS and wasn't scripted. I have truly come to see that.

Nice validation, but a little wordy. Next time, maybe more to the point. Something like "I'm happy that the time away has helped you." I wouldn't keep mentioning your aggressive communication style, or thank her for trying to solve her problems. I understand the motivation but try to avoid reminding her of past problems in the M - you're not to that point yet.

I'm not saying this was right or consistent with DB, I'm not sure, but I sensed an opening so said, "I'd be happy to go to lunch or dinner or something sometime if you think you ever want to talk about it."

Her: "I've been thinking about it. I'm trying to get there. I'll let you know."

Me: "I appreciate that."

Oh tl2. Again, I get it, but asking her out is a huge form of pursuit, and will likely just push her away. Try to restrain yourself going forward. Wait for her to make those kinds of moves.

Her: "So how's the house project going...."

And she asked me about a house project I'm working on. I gave a brief response, then, "Hey, I won't keep you, I'm sure you've had a long day. Hope you have a good night."

And we ended the call.

Good job on being the first to end the call, and on a positive note.

I don't have a lot of unreasonable hope here because she has done that a lot in the past years when we've had problems to try and head off my aggressiveness...she doesn't want to say yes and give me false hope/encouragement or talk to me and have me push on her too hard; she also doesn't want to say No for fear that I will, again, panic and push too hard, pursuing.

The real challenge now is, if by some chance she does change her mind or open up a little, that's only the beginning of another long, difficult process, because we have too many serious issues to simply come back together easily and engineer the best possibility for success. Probably a long way off if possible at all right now, and I'm still trying to go by the rule of Don't believe anything you hear (especially since there is a strand of hope there which I don't want to blow out of proportion).

I think I'm finally at a point where I'm detached enough to take things as the come and be ok regardless of outcome.

Sorry to tell you, but nope, you're nowhere near detached. Brother, I know exactly what you're feeling because it's where I was at a few weeks ago. If you're still contemplating reconciliation and how you will handle it, you're still too attached. That needs to be something that you don't close the door on, but also do not sit around and think about. It's very difficult to really detach, and takes a long time. Everyone is different and I think sometimes it takes a bunch of little things all adding up to reach that point.

In my case, I was doing the same as you for months, making posts about how detached I was, but the next day worrying about something WW posted on Facebook, or some comment she made. What finally pushed me over the edge was when WW introduced the OM she is living with to her immediate family. Something about that realization flicked a switch in my mind and I truly began to accept that my M is over. You need to reach it in your own way and on your own time frame. I'm not saying you totally let go of hope, but you tuck it away in a corner of your mind, and try to not focus on it in your day to day life. You're doing well overall so keep working on you and things will get better.